Tag: Work-Life balance

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Disconnecting… from Impossible to Done.

Did you say Workload and Culture? Lady, we have got to talk.
The whole blog, including additional comments, read for you.

Me: So, you’re overwhelmed. Tell me about that.

Client: I got up this morning at four am because we have a big project due.   I worked until six am, let the dogs out, and I’ve been working right here at my computer until our session started.

Me: That’s, let’s see, four am to seven pm, that’s fifteen hours? 

Client: (shrugs) I have more to do when we hang up.

Man, when that client spoke those words, my heart broke. I knew exactly how they felt. If you’re struggling with workload, like my client was, the idea of leaving on time probably leaves you with a lot of “yeah, buts…”

  • Yeah, Lady, but I can’t just stop. All this work will crash and burn.
  • Yeah, but, you don’t understand the expectations at ABC XYZ Corp.
  • Yeah, but, I’m in the middle of a major corporate project with huge visibility

I’m using my Saturday to write this blog and let you know… There is hope…

Let’s tackle those objections right now.

Last week, I tackled the 5 steps to unplug in my blog, which include planning ahead and letting your manager in on your intention.

Tackling the inability to disengage is the first step in my Reboot Your Day Job program. Coaching gives you a safe place to work with someone who can help you “try on” new ways of approaching old challenges.

Although the corporate world can and should help us – by providing flexible schedules, transparent conversations about resourcing and prioritization, allowing people the freedom to determine how and when they work, supporting meeting reduction policies, and looking for ways to reduce the email / IM chatter load on knowledge workers…there’s still a lot you can do, right in your own chair, while you wait for that utopian moment.

So – why aren’t we throwing down our mice and logging off?

Workload and Culture.

At first glance, they seem like likely culprits. After all, most of us have some loose definitions of the two that look something like this:

WORKLOAD: The never-ending avalanche of requests, demands, emails, interruptions, projects, emergencies, reactivity, and problems ….. supplemented with training, upskilling, the need to understand new technology and our jobs, and our business partner’s job so we can add value and find big ideas…topped off with a dollop of ERG’s, clubs, and engagement activities so we can support our colleagues, share the joy of STEM, work toward social good, combined with expectations that we will soon be networking and innovating -possibly in a building, after packing a lunch and commuting.

CULTURE: What you see everyone around you doing, what you hear your colleagues saying, what you believe is expected behavior, and what you imagine is required of you to fit in and succeed in your company.

Those are some pretty strong headwinds

I mean, all that AND I have to wear pants? What happens to all that work and all those expectations when we unplug? Not what you think.

I’ve walked clients through this over and over. Here is what doesn’t happen:

  • They don’t get fired.
  • They don’t fail to deliver on the big project.
  • They don’t stagnate and they don’t lose credibility.

Not one. Not one single client.

Why? Here’s what you don’t see when you’re stuck in overwork.

(I’ve included links to prior blogs for a deeper dive… you’re welcome!)

Every manager, everywhere, has said “Find a way to get it done.” No manager, anywhere, meant “Work until you drop.” when they said it. Why? Because of all the negatives that overwork creates… see the list above.

So what does happen when you unplug? Well, I hate to say it… but you wind up dealing with some pretty uncomfortable things… which is why… unplugging isn’t easy.

The two reasons why clients fail to unplug.

The number one reason why people don’t succeed when they try to unplug is fear: fear of what will happen to their projects, fear of what other people will think of them. This fear prevents them from even trying to unplug. I could cry when I think of it. What a shame!

What people don’t seem to be afraid of is the lost opportunity costs of overwork, missing out on creative solutions, missing out on collaborative opportunities, restricting other people’s growth, and reinforcing a culture of endurance and overload. All of which are the direct result of overwork – for you and your company.

The second reason is discomfort – it feels WEIRD to leave on time.  It feels WRONG to not be at work while the sun is out.  It feels UNCOMFORTABLE to ignore those little pings and dings, emails and IM’s.  If there’s one thing we know, it’s that we don’t like difficult emotions. Difficult emotions drive people back to overworking before they can see the benefits and find ways to overcome those feelings.

                Oh, you thought that grief and abject despair were the only difficult emotions? 

Wake up and smell the coffee, my friends.  We humans also don’t like – boredom, being fidgety, mild anxiety, discouragement, confusion, uncertainty, and about a million other emotions that don’t require a divorce or a death in the family.  That includes that little bit of uncertainty you feel when you’ve been away from your email for an hour.   Cal Newport discusses this in his book Digital Minimalism.  I’ve blogged about it here: Learning to Carve.

So, what’s the answer?

The answer is… follow the five steps I gave you last week. Clients never believe that this can work. Heck, I didn’t believe it until I tried it. That’s why I recommend a two-week experiment. That’s enough time to overcome discomfort and see real benefits. That’s enough time to start taking the actions that leaving on time forces you to take – thinking big picture, finding creative solutions, turning to others for help and inspiration – and it’s enough time to expose the problems your overwork has been masking. Two weeks is also short enough that the whole world of work won’t collapse if I’m wrong (which I am not.)

And that? Is just the only way to find out for yourself.

If all of this is just a bridge too far for you, I get it. I really get it. I needed a coach to help me get my overwork under control. I’d like to help you too. Click here to sign up for a free 25-minute session... no hard sell, just empathy in spades and real tools you can use.

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Let’s Get Back to You

There oughta be someone you can call to help you with that.

Look, it’s not like the pandemic created this problem. Difficulty leaving work on time, leaving work at work, and leaving work out of our dreams has been a top issue for my clients from the first moment I had a client. In fact, it was the first thing I wanted help with from my first coach. Why is it so hard to just stop?

The companies we work for, the language from the top, and the messages from the managers we report to – along with the examples they set – all contribute both positively and negatively. Like diversity, commitment to employee welfare and boundaries is something you can’t just talk about once and call it good. Companies need to send consistent messaging through words, actions, and examples to be effective. Then – they have to do it again and again and again. If possible, I’d like them to do it without my having to join an ERG to prove it’s important.

But what if your company’s overload plumbing is a bit… out of order? Does that mean you’re stuck with the overflow of work? The continual back-up of things to do?

Not at all. You, my friend, possess mad plumbing skilz. And if you don’t, I’m here to help.

Here’s how to reach me, else, carry on for 5 things you can do to unplug fast and stay loose.

If you’re suffering from overwhelm and would like to work with me, sign up for a free consultation. Let’s see if I can help. Schedule that here.

If you’re out of work, or working on the health care front lines and would like to see if coaching helps, it’s my honor to assist you for free. Schedule that here.

Heard about my 6 week course – Reboot your day job? – Find out more here.

  • Number 5: Remember why you took this job. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to slowly boil yourself in work. Whatever that reason was, it’s likely that it’s not the same reason you work late. Let’s say you took the job you have so that you could get to work on full stack projects. OK. Now ask yourself – do you get to work on full stack projects? At all? If the answer is no, you’ve got a different problem. If the answer is yes, then ask yourself if took the job work on full stack projects day and night. Hint: The answer is no. Sometimes this exercise alone is enough to re-set your perspective on those long nights and make it easier to just … log off.
  • Number 4: Leave earlier than you dare to. Clients often try to just leave a half hour earlier. Turns out there’s not enough upside to that small change to actually motivate you to endure the discomfort you’ll feel the first week you unplug. So go big. Leave on time, on the dot. Leave early enough to actually enjoy your day.
  • Number 3: For goodness sake – PLAN something at quitting time. Do not leave this up to your own brain. It is just going to ask if you don’t want to do five more emails, finish one more task, or worse yet, plop on the couch for reruns of Law & Order until you wish you were back at your desk. Plan something wonderful. Take a class, dig out a hobby, or just play a card game. Whatever it is, make sure it’s better than work.
  • Number 2: Prepare for the discomfort. You’ve established a pattern with yourself and others. For the first week, it’s going to be a bit uncomfortable. You’ll wonder what people think about you… working your eight hours and leaving. You’ll feel funny ghosting all those pinging IM’s from your co-workers. You’ll worry about keeping up. Have a plan for this. Use Tech to give everyone the 411: Clearly set your status – I’m gone. Call if it’s urgent – see you in the AM. Block your calendar as “out of the office” in the evening so people with flexible schedules don’t book you for meetings. Breathe. This is scary but it just might be the most invigorating thing you’ll do all year.

And now, the Number One Way to Stop Working On Time –

Tell your boss. You heard me. Walk or Zoom into his office and tell him you’re trying an experiment. You don’t think it will cause him any issues, but you just want to let him know. You’ll be logging off – on time – for two weeks. Tell him you want to hear from him if this is a problem. And then? Follow through.

And that? Is just the beginning.

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No Sacrificial Lambs

Would you kick this cute little guy in the face? 
Of course not.  So why are you doing that to yourself?
Looks like a long blog… take a shortcut and listen to it instead. Check out the pictures below first. Rock on!

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A few years ago, some friends and I hiked the John Muir Way, a trail that bisects Scotland.   The hike was fantastic.  It led us through pastures, fields, towns, and beside canals.  Did you know that you can smell the scotch in the air around a distillery?  I kid you not.   At one point, we spent a day passing fields of sheep.  It was May, so there were lambs.  If you’ve never been around ’em, they bounce around in little groups.  With different levels of curiosity and courage, these little cuties follow you along their fences and, sometimes, scramble underneath the wire and then scurry back inside. I was utterly charmed.

I also worried about them, I wanted to make sure they got back into their fields.   I wanted to engage with them; I couldn’t take my eyes off them.  One thing I didn’t want to do was put them in a cubicle and make ’em sit in a chair until their spines were misshapen and their eyesight went.

I wouldn’t do that to a lamb, but I’m all too willing to do that to myself. 

Why is that?

Today, let’s open up the Awareness Toolkit and take a look at unkind behavior towards ourselves.

Before we start, let me clarify here – we’re STEM people, we have projects and deadlines, we have bugs, defects, and production problems – sometimes, we just have to dig in and do the thing.  We have to fix it, finish it, or get it working again.

Collaboration is our lifeblood.  We know that investing in our social network is key to getting through difficulties, so we make sure we help out other people.  We brainstorm, listen to peers as they talk through an idea, or interrupt ourselves to help others hit their goals.  If we’re not doing this to some extent, we won’t succeed.

When we overdo these behaviors so that our health, relationships, or positive outlook suffers, then we’ve entered the dark zone of sacrifice.

For me, it’s the forced march.  I fall into the habit of working long hours without a break.   I forget to drink water, I resist getting up, I pile up snacks to give me little boosts of dopamine as I work to my own detriment.  I don’t notice that I’m getting less and less done, and I’ve crossed the horizon into diminishing returns.

For others, it shows up as giving up their own desires to say yes to other people.

It can show up as skipping lunch because you’ve accepted too many meetings.  Doing one little thing, to help someone, then another, then another, until you’re staying late to catch up.

We can fall into overdoing our good habits of determination and collaboration. Our thinking takes on a more extreme turn.

We think that something is more important than ourselves, we believe if we don’t complete this task or say yes to this request, the results will be threatening or even catastrophic.  We convince ourselves our value is tied to achievements.  Sometimes, looking at our current situation, we tell ourselves, just this one more time.  Next time, we’ll plan better.  Meanwhile, we’re staying later, we’re feeling resentful, and we can’t even list our results for the day.

Any of that sound familiar?  

Listen, lambkins, it doesn’t get better until you become aware of the issue and of the ways it goes wrong.

This behavior stems from a positive intention. We presume our self-sacrifice makes us team players. We’re tough, dedicated, and have the ability to go the extra mile.  At work, most of us want to be excellent.  We want to go above and beyond.   We also feel like none of this could have predicted.  This is the reality, we need to sacrifice for the good of the company.  True dat, right? NO!

Hey, I got it right this week… here’s the whiteboard of where we start on this journey.

Here’s what our behavior,

driven by this positive intention, looks like:

Changed or canceled personal time – we move our vacations, are afraid to plan them or take them, we miss birthdays or family celebrations, we get home just as the kids are going to bed.  Not only once or twice, but on the regular.

Forced Marches – Long hours, extreme effort, unrealistic expectations.  

I just did this last night. There were three of us working on a production issue, which we knew we could resolve, but the root cause would become obscured.   One of us had a hard stop that blew right by as we egged each other on, looking at one more thing, checking one variable, trying to get to the complete answer.  It was made worse because we already gathered sufficient evidence, an hour before, to prove the source of the issue.

Poor planning, lack of experience – when we run out of time on projects, or can’t deliver results, we don’t look like pros.  This is so hard to say because it kinda hurts me to admit it. 

As professionals, trapped in the go-go, can-do mindset, we don’t do the less glamourous work of continually reframing our MVP (minimum viable product).  If all our projects end up in a big push or fail to come in on time, we really owe it to ourselves and the company to demand that we step back and re-evaluate.  These issues are solvable, and we stop ourselves from finding solutions when we don’t require them.  I’m not saying it’s easy or that I have this solved – it crops up over and over – like crabgrass. The key is to face it – be aware.

Exhaustion, Stress, Resentment – I don’t think I have to explain this.  If you’re sacrificing your health, your sleep, the breaks that your brain needs to thrive, it’s going to show,  and you’re going to get cranky.

Falsely Helpful – Oh my, we’ve all met this person. We ask them for something, and it’s clear that they don’t have time to help.  We try to take our request back.  They won’t let go of it.  We apologize; they insist that there’s no need.   With a big, fake smile, they head off at a hundred miles an hour to do what we’ve asked, and we’re left there, feeling guilty.  Don’t be this person.  Just say no.

Being Kind to Yourself Is the Best Gift for your Team

Are you ready? Let’s turn this nasty cycle on its head. 

Go from Self-Sacrificing to Self-Affirming.

Here’s where we end up as we become aware of the consequences of sacrificing ourselves to work and move to a self-affirming stance.

 When we adopt a self-supporting attitude, we remind ourselves that our health and life priorities are first.  After all, we’re working for a reason.  I’m pretty sure it’s not a deep desire to drop dead at my desk while my family doesn’t even notice.  Sad to say, this has been a real possibility for me at times.   The good news is I’m aware of my propensity, and I’m not willing to live like this anymore. 

As we’re faced with challenges, in this new mindset, we tell ourselves, if I don’t finish, fix, solve, do whatever I’m tempted to sacrifice for,  then I’ll find another way.   We remind ourselves that there will always be another emergency, but there’s only one of us.  We can’t do anything well if we’re exhausted, miserable, or running in circles.  

Scary huh? Did you just reject all of that out of hand?  You’re not broken.  You are right on track.  My clients, and I, resist moving to a self-affirming place.  Here’s why:

We THINK this behavior means:

  • We’re selfish
  • We’re mediocre
  • We’re not a team player
  • We’re risking our job

All of that is pretty darn frightening.  Better play it safe, and keep sacrificing, right?

If you need some help working through how to affirm your right to health, optimisim and a great personal life, just say the word. You can book a 25 minute session with me and I’ll walk you through your personal, specific issue. It’s free, it’s my jam, and I promise it’ll be useful. Click Here. I can help you – THIS WEEK.

NO!  Because we’re wrong.  When you act in a self-affirming way, you actually demonstrate this:

Belief in your ability to find better solutions – we love to be around people who think there’s a better way and want to try to find it!  We love this.  You’ll love being this person.  Try it.  You won’t always win, but others will want to help you solve things better, and the more you do this, the more value you add at work.   

Stopping when your productivity falls, calling it a night – nothing will help your team more than knowing the right time to call it a night and send people home.  Sometimes, we’re all just waiting for the one person who has the backbone to say uncle.

Professional planning, designing, tracking, and delegating – Once you’ve committed to never sacrificing yourself, you’re going to need to change the way you work.  Don’t wait to figure this out before you stop overdoing it.  You have to stop first, then you’ll be driven to figure it out.  This is counter-intuitive, but it’s the magic key.  When you have to face the consequences of being self-affirming, then you figure out pretty quick how to prioritize, plan, and all the other good stuff.  Be brave! Jump in!

Self-respect, good health, smart breaks – think about a person you know who doesn’t sacrifice their health for their job and still manages to knock it out of the park.   There’s a man I’ve worked with who is like this.  He exercises, he leaves on-time most days, and he’s well respected.  If he can do it, we can do it.

Treating others as competent – this is the most unexpected and beneficial side effect.  When you treat yourself respect, when you don’t overdo it, you have to rely on others to do their jobs.  You stop over-helping and that, allows others to grow too.   In a way, you’re less selfish? What?  Yep. True.

See this little lambkin?  This is us, heading off into the world of work.  We have no idea what’s about to hit us.

Have some compassion for your innocent self, trying to do a great job in a challenging world.  There’s no need to sacrifice yourself, lamb.

And that? Is just good to know.

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Have Mercy

This week I just have to say something about exhaustion.
Here it is: Have Mercy…on yourself.
The whole blog, read to you.

Needless suffering. This is one of the things that makes me show up, week after week, blogging, coaching and reaching out. There are other things I could be doing with my time and frankly, after a long work week, I often ask myself if this coaching stuff is really worth it, and then, something like this will happen:

Me: “OK, and how do you behave, right then, in the moment?”

Client: “I fall apart.”

Me: “What does that mean? Specifically.”

Next, I hear something like this – they go somewhere safe – home, out for a walk, or just shut the door to their office – and they stop holding back their emotions. I’m not talking about cursing a little bit or needing a tissue. I’m talking about big, sloppy tears or explosive physical releases – emotional exhaustion, physical exhaustion or both. Sometimes, they have to leave for the day. They have to cancel meetings, or they keep it together until they get home and then they lose it on their own time. Most often, they continue to work – literally crying or silently fuming while they continue to answer emails, write code, finish that report.

My heart breaks for my clients who go through this, not because I think they have been victimized at work. I’m heartbroken because the suffering is real, it’s chronic and it is needless.

I work with entrepreneurs, IT professionals, engineers, managers, healthcare professionals, and analysts. These are not people easily overwhelmed by life and the pressures of a career. My clients are uniformly smart, high performing, insightful people with a lot of drive. They are the people companies want most – and they are exhausted.

Look, nobody in corporate America is specifically trying to create workplace conditions that foster overwork, inefficiency, employee frustration, and exhaustion. I have never met a single person in authority who thinks it’s a good idea to foster a culture where people are afraid to go home, tied to ineffective teams and management and literally crying at their desks. Absolutely not. Most executives want staff to focus at work, be willing to deliver during project deadlines and figure out how to go home at a reasonable time.

Where is the disconnect?

Here’s my story:

I used to manage a convenience store for a major chain. I worked more hours than I can even speak to. I worked physically and mentally. I was working so much that I literally couldn’t keep weight on my body; I had to borrow clothes from a friend. My husband took a job in my store, just so he could relieve me. One evening, my father called me to say hi. My speech was redundant and non-sensical. All I could say is “I have to feed my son.” I repeated this over and over. My father, worried but out of state, sent my mother to my home. I remember saying to her, “I have to put him to bed. I need to get him ready for bed.” I remember not being able to stop. She had to take me by the hand and physically guide me to bed. The next day, the doctor ordered me out of work for a full week.

Here’s the thing. I worked myself literally to exhaustion. I was convinced everything I was doing was absolutely critical, vital to my success at work and the functioning of the business. And then, I was yanked out of the store for a full week. And you know what happened to the store?

Nothing.

Someone was sent to cover for me. Everything went on.

I was, in a way, irrelevant.

It was a humbling experience. It also made me vow to never work myself that hard again. All that suffering, all that work, had been for nothing. At some point, I had failed to notice the point of diminishing returns and just kept working. Now, so many years later, I can look back and see the cruelest part of all that – in that state of mind, with so few physical and emotional resources, I was never going to bring my store into a state of excellence. I was trying to hit standards, but what I needed wasn’t more labor. What I needed was time and space to network, learn and think about how to do that in a way that brought in revenue. I can tell you for sure, with my mind focused on how to get everything done so I could race home, sleep fast and hustle back to work – I was never thinking about the big picture. I was destined to kill myself in order to be mediocre. Ouch!

Here’s another story:

I used to work with a woman who over-worked herself daily. She insisted that everything with her name on it be perfect, meticulous. She was very unhappy and considering quitting. I remember asking her if she couldn’t just lower her standards for a bit. She was adamant that she couldn’t do a less than perfect job. She expected herself to deliver excellent work. She was unwilling to choose anything to leave undone.

She had a long commute so she rented a room near our office so that she could continue to work late. Her spouse remained at their home. Her unhappiness deepened. I asked again, why not just leave on time and see what happens?

She couldn’t bring herself to try it, even for a week. Instead, she left the company.

She basically drove herself to quit so she didn’t have to fail. The more perfect everything had to be, the further she got from the failure line, the less clear she was about how far she’d gone. She thought failure was one missing comma away when in reality it was a dozen minor details behind her. Diminishing returns are the most expensive.

Think about these stories. Can you see how the actions myself and my friend were taking were actually LESS helpful to our companies, families, and teams than if we’d given ourselves space to stop and take stock, regroup and refocus on what mattered?

Thought errors are easier to see in other people than ourselves.

That’s one reason we hire coaches. Nobody was making me scrub the floor under the shelves in my store on my knees. (Yes, I did that.) Nobody was making my friend deliver suitable-for-framing meeting minutes. Nowhere is this clearer than for my clients who own the business they work in. Everything they’re doing is literally up to them – and they too, suffer.

Even in endurance focused cultures where those who “sleep under their desks” are cheered, the rubber hits the road right under our own chair. Can we prioritize our work well? Can we tell people no? Can we accept some sub-par performance in less critical areas so we can deliver on the important stuff? Have we even stopped to think about what the most valuable work we can do today is? Can we just go the heck home when there’s still some work left to do? For many of us, we could, but we don’t. We want to please people, feel important and be excellent. Some of us are waiting for people above us in the chain to notice that we need relief and give us permission to stop the madness.

I’m not saying that we should never put in overtime. I’m suggesting that we set some guidelines for ourselves. I’m saying, figure out what you want to try, tell your manager what you’re doing and then do it. For a week. See what shakes out. And then try something else.

Don’t ask your manager to solve your work-life balance issue – quite frankly, they can’t. They can help, but in the end, you still have to do the important work and then get up and go home.

That, my tired friends, is having mercy on yourself –

And that? Is OK.

If you would like to have someone to bounce ideas off of – I’m here. Sign up for a free 25-minute session – Here. On me, no strings.