There oughta be someone you can call to help you with that.
Look, it’s not like the pandemic created this problem. Difficulty leaving work on time, leaving work at work, and leaving work out of our dreams has been a top issue for my clients from the first moment I had a client. In fact, it was the first thing I wanted help with from my first coach. Why is it so hard to just stop?
The companies we work for, the language from the top, and the messages from the managers we report to – along with the examples they set – all contribute both positively and negatively. Like diversity, commitment to employee welfare and boundaries is something you can’t just talk about once and call it good. Companies need to send consistent messaging through words, actions, and examples to be effective. Then – they have to do it again and again and again. If possible, I’d like them to do it without my having to join an ERG to prove it’s important.
But what if your company’s overload plumbing is a bit… out of order? Does that mean you’re stuck with the overflow of work? The continual back-up of things to do?
Not at all. You, my friend, possess mad plumbing skilz. And if you don’t, I’m here to help.
Here’s how to reach me, else, carry on for 5 things you can do to unplug fast and stay loose.
If you’re suffering from overwhelm and would like to work with me, sign up for a free consultation. Let’s see if I can help. Schedule that here.
If you’re out of work, or working on the health care front lines and would like to see if coaching helps, it’s my honor to assist you for free. Schedule that here.
Heard about my 6 week course – Reboot your day job? – Find out more here.
Number 5:Remember why you took this job. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to slowly boil yourself in work. Whatever that reason was, it’s likely that it’s not the same reason you work late. Let’s say you took the job you have so that you could get to work on full stack projects. OK. Now ask yourself – do you get to work on full stack projects? At all? If the answer is no, you’ve got a different problem. If the answer is yes, then ask yourself if took the job work on full stack projects day and night. Hint: The answer is no. Sometimes this exercise alone is enough to re-set your perspective on those long nights and make it easier to just … log off.
Number 4:Leave earlier than you dare to. Clients often try to just leave a half hour earlier. Turns out there’s not enough upside to that small change to actually motivate you to endure the discomfort you’ll feel the first week you unplug. So go big. Leave on time, on the dot. Leave early enough to actually enjoy your day.
Number 3: For goodness sake – PLAN something at quitting time. Do not leave this up to your own brain. It is just going to ask if you don’t want to do five more emails, finish one more task, or worse yet, plop on the couch for reruns of Law & Order until you wish you were back at your desk. Plan something wonderful. Take a class, dig out a hobby, or just play a card game. Whatever it is, make sure it’s better than work.
Number 2: Prepare for the discomfort. You’ve established a pattern with yourself and others. For the first week, it’s going to be a bit uncomfortable. You’ll wonder what people think about you… working your eight hours and leaving. You’ll feel funny ghosting all those pinging IM’s from your co-workers. You’ll worry about keeping up. Have a plan for this. Use Tech to give everyone the 411: Clearly set your status – I’m gone. Call if it’s urgent – see you in the AM. Block your calendar as “out of the office” in the evening so people with flexible schedules don’t book you for meetings. Breathe. This is scary but it just might be the most invigorating thing you’ll do all year.
And now, the Number One Way to Stop Working On Time –
Tell your boss. You heard me. Walk or Zoom into his office and tell him you’re trying an experiment. You don’t think it will cause him any issues, but you just want to let him know. You’ll be logging off – on time – for two weeks. Tell him you want to hear from him if this is a problem. And then? Follow through.
Would you kick this cute little guy in the face? Of course not. So why are you doing that to yourself?Looks like a long blog… take a shortcut and listen to it instead. Check out the pictures below first. Rock on!
A few years ago, some friends and I hiked the John Muir Way, a trail that bisects Scotland. The hike was fantastic. It led us through pastures, fields, towns, and beside canals. Did you know that you can smell the scotch in the air around a distillery? I kid you not. At one point, we spent a day passing fields of sheep. It was May, so there were lambs. If you’ve never been around ’em, they bounce around in little groups. With different levels of curiosity and courage, these little cuties follow you along their fences and, sometimes, scramble underneath the wire and then scurry back inside. I was utterly charmed.
I also worried about them, I wanted to make sure they got
back into their fields. I wanted to
engage with them; I couldn’t take my eyes off them. One thing I didn’t want to do was put them
in a cubicle and make ’em sit in a chair until their spines were misshapen and
their eyesight went.
I wouldn’t do that to a lamb, but I’m all too willing to do that to myself.
Why is that?
Today, let’s open up the Awareness Toolkit and take a look at unkind behavior towards ourselves.
Before we start, let me clarify here – we’re STEM people, we
have projects and deadlines, we have bugs, defects, and production problems – sometimes,
we just have to dig in and do the thing.
We have to fix it, finish it, or get it working again.
Collaboration is our lifeblood. We know that investing in our social network
is key to getting through difficulties, so we make sure we help out other
people. We brainstorm, listen to peers as
they talk through an idea, or interrupt ourselves to help others hit their goals.
If we’re not doing this to some
extent, we won’t succeed.
When we overdo these behaviors so that our health, relationships,
or positive outlook suffers, then we’ve entered the dark zone of sacrifice.
For me, it’s the forced march. I fall into the habit of working long hours
without a break. I forget to drink
water, I resist getting up, I pile up snacks to give me little boosts of dopamine
as I work to my own detriment. I don’t notice
that I’m getting less and less done, and I’ve crossed the horizon into
diminishing returns.
For others, it shows up as giving up their own
desires to say yes to other people.
It can show up as skipping lunch because you’ve accepted too
many meetings. Doing one little thing,
to help someone, then another, then another, until you’re staying late to catch
up.
We can fall into overdoing our good habits of determination
and collaboration. Our thinking takes on a more extreme turn.
We think that something is more important than ourselves,
we believe if we don’t complete this task or say yes to this request, the
results will be threatening or even catastrophic. We convince ourselves our value is tied to
achievements. Sometimes, looking at
our current situation, we tell ourselves, just this one more time. Next time, we’ll plan better. Meanwhile, we’re staying later, we’re feeling
resentful, and we can’t even list our results for the day.
Any of that sound familiar?
Listen, lambkins, it doesn’t get better until you become
aware of the issue and of the ways it goes wrong.
This behavior stems from a positive intention. We presume
our self-sacrifice makes us team players. We’re tough, dedicated, and have the
ability to go the extra mile. At work,
most of us want to be excellent. We want
to go above and beyond. We also feel
like none of this could have predicted. This
is the reality, we need to sacrifice for the good of the company. True dat, right? NO!
Hey, I got it right this week… here’s the whiteboard of where we start on this journey.
Here’s what our behavior,
driven by this positive intention, looks like:
Changed or canceled personal time – we move
our vacations, are afraid to plan them or take them, we miss birthdays or
family celebrations, we get home just as the kids are going to bed. Not only once or twice, but on the regular.
Forced Marches – Long hours, extreme effort,
unrealistic expectations.
I just did this last night. There
were three of us working on a production issue, which we knew we could resolve,
but the root cause would become obscured.
One of us had a hard stop that blew right by as we egged each other on,
looking at one more thing, checking one variable, trying to get to the complete
answer. It was made worse because we
already gathered sufficient evidence, an hour before, to prove the source of
the issue.
Poor planning, lack of experience – when we run
out of time on projects, or can’t deliver results, we don’t look like pros. This is so hard to say because it kinda hurts
me to admit it.
As professionals, trapped in the
go-go, can-do mindset, we don’t do the less glamourous work of continually reframing
our MVP (minimum viable product). If all
our projects end up in a big push or fail to come in on time, we really owe it
to ourselves and the company to demand that we step back and re-evaluate. These issues are solvable, and we stop
ourselves from finding solutions when we don’t require them. I’m not saying it’s easy or that I have this
solved – it crops up over and over – like crabgrass. The key is to face it – be
aware.
Exhaustion, Stress, Resentment – I don’t think
I have to explain this. If you’re sacrificing
your health, your sleep, the breaks that your brain needs to thrive, it’s going
to show, and you’re going to get cranky.
Falsely Helpful – Oh my, we’ve all met this
person. We ask them for something, and it’s clear that they don’t have time to
help. We try to take our request
back. They won’t let go of it. We apologize; they insist that there’s no need. With a big, fake smile, they head off at a
hundred miles an hour to do what we’ve asked, and we’re left there, feeling
guilty. Don’t be this person. Just say no.
Being Kind to Yourself Is the Best Gift for your Team
Are you ready? Let’s turn this nasty cycle on its head.
Go from Self-Sacrificing to Self-Affirming.
Here’s where we end up as we become aware of the consequences of sacrificing ourselves to work and move to a self-affirming stance.
When we adopt a self-supporting
attitude, we remind ourselves that our health and life priorities are first. After all, we’re working for a reason. I’m pretty sure it’s not a deep desire to
drop dead at my desk while my family doesn’t even notice. Sad to say, this has been a real possibility
for me at times. The good news is I’m
aware of my propensity, and I’m not willing to live like this anymore.
As we’re faced with challenges, in this new mindset, we
tell ourselves, if I don’t finish, fix, solve, do whatever I’m tempted to
sacrifice for, then I’ll find another
way.We remind ourselves that
there will always be another emergency, but there’s only one of us. We can’t do anything well if we’re exhausted,
miserable, or running in circles.
Scary huh? Did you just reject all of that out of
hand? You’re not broken. You are right on track. My clients, and I, resist moving to a self-affirming
place. Here’s why:
We THINK this behavior means:
We’re selfish
We’re mediocre
We’re not a team player
We’re risking our job
All of that is pretty darn frightening. Better play it safe, and keep sacrificing, right?
If you need some help working through how to affirm your right to health, optimisim and a great personal life, just say the word. You can book a 25 minute session with me and I’ll walk you through your personal, specific issue. It’s free, it’s my jam, and I promise it’ll be useful. Click Here. I can help you – THIS WEEK.
NO! Because we’re wrong. When you act in a self-affirming way, you actually demonstrate this:
Belief in your ability to find better solutions – we love
to be around people who think there’s a better way and want to try to find
it! We love this. You’ll love being this person. Try it. You won’t always win, but others will want to
help you solve things better, and the more you do this, the more value you add
at work.
Stopping when your productivity falls, calling it a night
– nothing will help your team more than knowing the right time to call it a
night and send people home. Sometimes,
we’re all just waiting for the one person who has the backbone to say uncle.
Professional planning, designing, tracking, and
delegating – Once you’ve committed to never sacrificing yourself, you’re
going to need to change the way you work.
Don’t wait to figure this out before you stop overdoing it. You have to stop first, then you’ll be driven
to figure it out. This is counter-intuitive,
but it’s the magic key. When you have to
face the consequences of being self-affirming, then you figure out pretty quick
how to prioritize, plan, and all the other good stuff. Be brave! Jump in!
Self-respect, good health, smart breaks – think about
a person you know who doesn’t sacrifice their health for their job and still
manages to knock it out of the park. There’s
a man I’ve worked with who is like this.
He exercises, he leaves on-time most days, and he’s well respected. If he can do it, we can do it.
Treating others as competent – this is the most unexpected and beneficial side effect. When you treat yourself respect, when you don’t overdo it, you have to rely on others to do their jobs. You stop over-helping and that, allows others to grow too. In a way, you’re less selfish? What? Yep. True.
See this little lambkin?
This is us, heading off into the world of work. We have no idea what’s about to hit us.
Have some compassion for your innocent self, trying to do a
great job in a challenging world. There’s
no need to sacrifice yourself, lamb.
Your Brain isn’t out to get you new results…it’s busy in the kitchen looking for snacks.
Look, You Aren’t Stupid.
You know you have to change your actions in order to get different results, but why, oh why, is it so hard to do?
I know! Especially when you’re trying to change the actions you take in situations that repeat. Those are the worst. I sit at my desk and boom! An hour’s gone by. I’ve answered a ton of emails but I still don’t have my project done. Bummer huh?
Changing our actions, especially context driven actions, is really hard.
Most of us just vow to take new actions.
How’s that been working for you?
Me neither.
But, if we take a moment to reflect on the results we’re getting and the thinking that is leading us there, we can start to tie results to thoughts. We can start to change our thoughts, which will create new feelings and new results.
Here’s one of mine.
I used to think “I don’t even have a minute between meetings for a bio-break.” And that seemed to be true. I felt rushed and mistreated when I thought that. And I would go from meeting to meeting, uncomfortable and, let’s admit it… a bit of victim about the whole thing.
OK… now that you’ve stopped laughing at me… let’s move on.
It’s funny, right? Because it’s clearly ridiculous. But that’s not the way it felt to me at the time. I felt bad. I was considering just not drinking any water all day. I couldn’t see another way out because I really believed that I didn’t have a single minute to spare. Worse yet, my results were proving that my thoughts were correct.
Hold the Circus Wagon, Spunky.
Then I said those words in a coaching session. Because my coach cares about my well being but doesn’t particularly believe everything I say and she isn’t being paid to sympathize with me, she asked me “Is that true?”
Um. Yeah?
Seems obvious, but to get to the point where she could ask me that, we had to know what I was thinking. And that is what a coach is for. If you would like to have a coach show you what you’re thinking … you can sign up for a free 25-minute session with me here. Click here. My goal here is to help other people the way my coach helped me. True dat.
She didn’t buy it. “What would you tell a team member with that problem?”
Huh. “I would never condone that kind of self punishment. I’d tell them, you take a break when you need a break. Everybody else is.”
Whoa. Wait a minute. So everybody else has time for a break. So, I must have time for a break?
I started to look at my thinking, feelings, actions and results from a more objective perspective. And, I started to believe that the results I was getting were unacceptable.
That was the turning point for me. I would never condone any human being enduring the results I was getting, so … I’m a human … and … therefore… I don’t condone those results for me.
Suddenly I had tied my outcome to a value (people shouldn’t be treated like that.) Then I changed my thinking.
So my thought became – Hey, my biological needs come first. That includes sleep, hydration, fresh air, sunlight, movement, and food. (You need those things, Dudettes – just in case you’re not sure.) When I think like that- I feel empowered and committed – to my own well being. And so I take action. I take care of myself.
Here’s the magic… when I started doing that, always taking care of myself – I did wind up being late. I started suffering the consequences of fitting in my basic needs.
I had new, much better problems. I was hydrated, well rested and felt comfortable – but I was a few minutes late to meetings.
So then my new thought was… how can I take care of myself and be on time? Do you see the beauty of that?
If I’m late and I don’t like the way that feels, I start to make it more important to end meetings early. But I don’t apologize for taking care of myself. And I don’t go back to believing I don’t have time for a pit-stop.
And that? Changes everything.
Next week – What is it like to work with a life coach?
