What we pay attention to not only matters, it measures.
If you have never googled commencement addresses, you are missing out. If you are only going to listen to one, then let me recommend This is Water by the late David Foster Wallace.
If you haven’t heard it, just click the link there and give it a listen. I’ll wait.
In his speech, Mr. Wallace talks about the discipline of consciously choosing where to focus our attention.
“This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t. You get to decide what to worship.” David Foster Wallace
He states that in real life, we all worship something… either a spiritual set of beliefs or something else, like beauty, power, or intellect – all of which, he adds, we are free to do. But, he adds:
“The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people…“
The act of paying attention signals to our brains what is most important. Mr. Wallace has some advice about what we might want to pay attention to and he also clues us in on how hard it is to follow his advice.
Our brains evolved to help us focus on the most crucial stuff: cookies, romance, and an awesome apartment. Our brains are also exquisitely tuned to revising and re-evaluating the world around us. This evaluation process happens every time we pay attention. Each time we bring our attention to an experience, our brains revise the reward we associate with the experience.
What does this mean?
It means that when we choose what to pay attention to, we not only consciously shape our experience – we also trigger our brains to revise how rewarding that experience is.
Dr. Judson Brewer – who I’ve mentioned before – has a great video that lays out the process for updating our brain’s value measurement. You can click the link and check it out.
Things get really interesting because the opposite is also true. When we do not pay attention to what we are experiencing – our brains don’t update our valuation of that experience.
Why does this matter?
Look, most of the time, we are on autopilot. We watch TV while we cook dinner. We whip through emails and tune out our co-workers. We are lost in thought while we wait for our food and while we eat it. We rush through our work without tuning into our emotions.
Every time we engage with something without paying attention to it, we fail to update our brain’s valuation system. So, we wind up believing that eating two candy bars for lunch is just as good as it was when we were twelve. We don’t notice how utterly miserable it is to be rushing through our workday. So we just. keep. doing it.
When we pay attention to something, we’re telling our brains that it matters… and that it needs to be re-measured.
According to Dr. Brewer, it takes as few as ten re-measurements to change the value our brain places on something.
According to Mr. Wallace – that is the way to freedom.
And that? Is just good to know.
People who are overworked and overwhelmed at work often need help finding anything that they can enjoy and hang on to while they work on resolving the source of their pain. In my six-week program, we tackle all of that – the overwork, the overwhelm, and the suffering. Six weeks, you’re better or your money back. Want to find out more? Click here.
Our culture does a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious job at setting up milestones for us… until it doesn’t.
Got milestones?
Sure you do.
If you’re two, you probably want to walk without holding someone’s hand.
If you’re twenty-two, you probably want an independent living situation.
If you’re forty-two, you probably want to educate your kids without going bankrupt.
And, if you’re sixty-two, you probably want to retire.
For some of you, those cultural milestones – driver’s license, graduation, homeownership, parenthood – are opportunities for saying no – No thanks, I’ll walk. No thanks, I’ll go right to work. No thanks, I’m going to travel and blog about it. No thanks, I’m taking a pass on kids.
Accept them or reject them, these milestones can come to define us.That’s swell, that’s easy, that doesn’t take a lot of thought and most of them are pretty satisfying. I love my car, my home, my spouse, my son, and my 401K. I don’t want to give any of them up.
The problem is… after two years of thinking short-term – as in… “How do I not get dead from a pandemic?” short term...the long-range plan is looking a bit dusty.
To make matters worse, pre-built milestones run out.
All these years, we were looking forward – forward to eating with a spoon, forward to driving on the highway without an adult, forward to buying a beer, making a living, having it all.
If we haven’t been practicing creating our own milestones, our own futures, we can be left looking like a blank canvas when the prebuilt template falls away.
So how do you create your own milestones? You can start with the advice that Dan Sullivan and Catherine Nomura say in “The Laws of Lifetime Growth” – Always make your future bigger than your past.
The book is a free listen on audible if you’re a member there… so check it out – or click the link above and find it on Amazon.
Having a future that’s bigger than your past is about letting go of the rules that hold us back, those cultural conditions that say the goal of life is to be able to stop working, that tell us that women do some jobs and men do others. (And yes, that’s still a thing. Hello.)
The goal of life is to become as much of who you are and what you are as you possibly can.
See that tree up there at the top of the blog?
Do you think it was looking at other trees to show it how to become that grand, spreading, wonder of global carbon reduction? If you do, please write me.
That sparkling green marvel is an example of what that kind of tree can become when it has plenty of water, sun, space, time, and – yeah – some luck.
What kind of human can you become if you have plenty of water, sun, space, and time?
What kind of human can you become if you just start where you’re at and keep growing?
What is the biggest, broadest, most ALIVE version of you that is possible in the world?
Don’t breeze past that question. A good answer should take you at least a half-hour of journaling. You have a lunch break… why not jot some ideas down?After all, that’s the milestone you want out there.
That’s the milestone we all want you to reach.
You – being that big, alive version of yourself – makes the future bigger and brighter for everyone.
You. The fullest expression of you…is the path.
Andthat? Is just the best thing ever.
I have a six-week program that walks clients through ending over-working. Clients consistently see results by week four, at which point – we do the work of building out what a bright future looks like. Sound good? Sign up for a quick conversation, let’s see if I can help you branch out.
Are you waiting on a ship that hasn’t come in yet?
Someday, you’ll have inbox zero. Someday, you’ll have a regular exercise routine. Someday, you’ll lose ten pounds and someday…you’ll live your best life… as your best self.
Here’s a secret. That day can be today.
All you have to do is agree that even though that day is today… your inbox might have 491 emails, 242 of them unread.
All you have to do is agree that what you did yesterday is no proof of who you are.
The dirty dishes in the sink this morning, the dog that ate your running shoes, the late-night nacho extravaganza yesterday, and the total lack of white space in your calendar today… doesn’t mean that you can’t be your best self and live your best life – today.
Did I lose you?
Hang in there.
This is a short read and you said that you wanted all those someday things.
Ok, do this with me… I want you to imagine yourself at eight-five. Unless you are eighty-five, then just be you.
You are eighty-five. You’ve already retired unless you’re the President, in which case, you’re excused.
You’re eighty-five. Your skin has lost its elasticity. Your joints are stiff and it takes a long time to get camera-ready.
Think of someone close to you – a spouse, a child, a friend. How old will they be? What will they look like?
What will you look like?
Where are you living? In your home? How are you managing in that home at this age? Who cares for the lawn? How do you get groceries?
Close your eyes and really see it. Then open them again. I’ll wait.
Let me ask you something.
What is that one thing, you know the one thing, you are always saying you would like to improve about yourself? I know there’s a long list, but start with the one you’ve been working on for your whole life and still haven’t nailed.
When you saw yourself at eighty-five, did that problem still exist?
Just think about that.
When do you believe you will change? Some murky year between now and eighty-five? Some murky year after eighty-five?
How important was this change to your eighty-five-year-old self?
OK … you’re free, come back to your current age. At this point in time, what are you telling yourself about how life will be when you:
Get to the perfect weight
Get your desk and inbox under control
Get your house running smoothly
Become a regular meditator
Kick sugar and flour to the curb
Build up serious muscle tone
Learn to be a full stack developer
Move to the next level at work
Buy that house, get that dog, have those kids, break that glass ceiling, be the change you want to see, become a force for good in the world and live life to the fullest?
What are you telling yourself about WHO you will be then?
Be that.
Be that person – now.
If you have great muscle tone and you’ve lost weight, then who are you? Healthy? Beautiful? So what? Why do you want that? So you can live long? So you can shoot a music video?
A person who had accomplished what you want to accomplish would be doing something different than you are doing now. They would dress different, they’d be serving soup to the poor this weekend, they’d be auditioning for the Voice.
Don’t wait until you’re eighty-five to do those things. Especially the Voice audition.
If you have inbox zero and blocks of space on your calendar at work – so what? What does that mean? Does that mean you’re organized? Does that mean you’re responsive? Does that mean you finally get to work on the important things and do that strategic thinking at work?
Why not skip the step where you wish you could do that… and just… do that? Act like a person that’s organized. Act like a person who gets five hundred emails a day and still is responsive. How would that even work?
Right. Some of this you can do right now… you can act organized… by planning and prioritizing and some stuff… like being responsive and strategic with five hundred emails a day just isn’t going to look like inbox zero – ever. It’s going to look like not answering those emails so fast and actually being on do not disturb while you do some work. And then it might look like pinging a few key people to make sure they have what they need from you. They’ll resend that email – believe me.
OK go back to being eighty-five and imagine you never did any of the things you wanted or believed you wanted to do. You’re overweight. You can’t get out of a chair. You spent your whole career being reactive, suffering at your desk, walked away from work early because you couldn’t take another day and your retirement fund is limited. Your mind is just as tumultuous as it is today… you never did learn to meditate. Your voice is shot and you never made a music video. Whatever it is that you are saying you’ll accomplish later – go to later and see the result of not doing it.
Wow! Right?
What did you learn?
When I did this exercise, I realized that not accomplishing that one thing wasn’t what brought me a deep sense of regret. It was all the things I didn’t do because I was waiting for me to be perfect before I started. At eighty-five, I was like – Amy, you idiot, why didn’t you just …. go for it anyway? Not even trying was my worst-case scenario… and now… I was living it.
Deep breath. Relax.
Straighten your spine.
What if the only moment you ever have to be your best self, living your best life… is now?
Everything’s OK – but you don’t really have plenty of time.
The time is now.
It is better to take voice lessons at fifty-eight, than never to have sung at all.
If you want to be a person who is relaxed, exercises, eats a lot of veggies and says no to cake, gets the most important work done during the business day, and watches plural site videos on the couch while eating popcorn …. while their spouse watches re-runs… then be that.
You’re not going to be perfect.
It’s not going to be easy.
You’re not going to be happy all the time.
And that’s OK –
None of that is actually happening for you now either. You already know how to do imperfect, difficult, and mildly annoyed.
You got this.
OK.. .one last trip to the future. Imagine you did that… ate big salads, went for terrific walks, only worked eight hours a day, and learned how to build a UI in angular while wearing your noise-canceling earphones as you cuddled up with your honey. Imagine you took singing lessons and did a walk-on at the local bar for your friend’s band and brought down the house singing Born to Be Wild at the top of your lungs.
You didn’t win The Voice but you sang, man, you sang.
Go a bit more into the future. You have been living that life, eating apples, walking in the sun, not overworking, learning new things, and belting them out at the corner bar on Fridays for years now, maybe decades. You just started one day… you read this crazy blog and you just…. started acting AS IF you were living your best life.
You didn’t make it a problem.
You didn’t need to be perfect.
You just…decided to act as if you already had your best life.
There oughta be someone you can call to help you with that.
Look, it’s not like the pandemic created this problem. Difficulty leaving work on time, leaving work at work, and leaving work out of our dreams has been a top issue for my clients from the first moment I had a client. In fact, it was the first thing I wanted help with from my first coach. Why is it so hard to just stop?
The companies we work for, the language from the top, and the messages from the managers we report to – along with the examples they set – all contribute both positively and negatively. Like diversity, commitment to employee welfare and boundaries is something you can’t just talk about once and call it good. Companies need to send consistent messaging through words, actions, and examples to be effective. Then – they have to do it again and again and again. If possible, I’d like them to do it without my having to join an ERG to prove it’s important.
But what if your company’s overload plumbing is a bit… out of order? Does that mean you’re stuck with the overflow of work? The continual back-up of things to do?
Not at all. You, my friend, possess mad plumbing skilz. And if you don’t, I’m here to help.
Here’s how to reach me, else, carry on for 5 things you can do to unplug fast and stay loose.
If you’re suffering from overwhelm and would like to work with me, sign up for a free consultation. Let’s see if I can help. Schedule that here.
If you’re out of work, or working on the health care front lines and would like to see if coaching helps, it’s my honor to assist you for free. Schedule that here.
Heard about my 6 week course – Reboot your day job? – Find out more here.
Number 5:Remember why you took this job. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to slowly boil yourself in work. Whatever that reason was, it’s likely that it’s not the same reason you work late. Let’s say you took the job you have so that you could get to work on full stack projects. OK. Now ask yourself – do you get to work on full stack projects? At all? If the answer is no, you’ve got a different problem. If the answer is yes, then ask yourself if took the job work on full stack projects day and night. Hint: The answer is no. Sometimes this exercise alone is enough to re-set your perspective on those long nights and make it easier to just … log off.
Number 4:Leave earlier than you dare to. Clients often try to just leave a half hour earlier. Turns out there’s not enough upside to that small change to actually motivate you to endure the discomfort you’ll feel the first week you unplug. So go big. Leave on time, on the dot. Leave early enough to actually enjoy your day.
Number 3: For goodness sake – PLAN something at quitting time. Do not leave this up to your own brain. It is just going to ask if you don’t want to do five more emails, finish one more task, or worse yet, plop on the couch for reruns of Law & Order until you wish you were back at your desk. Plan something wonderful. Take a class, dig out a hobby, or just play a card game. Whatever it is, make sure it’s better than work.
Number 2: Prepare for the discomfort. You’ve established a pattern with yourself and others. For the first week, it’s going to be a bit uncomfortable. You’ll wonder what people think about you… working your eight hours and leaving. You’ll feel funny ghosting all those pinging IM’s from your co-workers. You’ll worry about keeping up. Have a plan for this. Use Tech to give everyone the 411: Clearly set your status – I’m gone. Call if it’s urgent – see you in the AM. Block your calendar as “out of the office” in the evening so people with flexible schedules don’t book you for meetings. Breathe. This is scary but it just might be the most invigorating thing you’ll do all year.
And now, the Number One Way to Stop Working On Time –
Tell your boss. You heard me. Walk or Zoom into his office and tell him you’re trying an experiment. You don’t think it will cause him any issues, but you just want to let him know. You’ll be logging off – on time – for two weeks. Tell him you want to hear from him if this is a problem. And then? Follow through.
Would you kick this cute little guy in the face? Of course not. So why are you doing that to yourself?Looks like a long blog… take a shortcut and listen to it instead. Check out the pictures below first. Rock on!
A few years ago, some friends and I hiked the John Muir Way, a trail that bisects Scotland. The hike was fantastic. It led us through pastures, fields, towns, and beside canals. Did you know that you can smell the scotch in the air around a distillery? I kid you not. At one point, we spent a day passing fields of sheep. It was May, so there were lambs. If you’ve never been around ’em, they bounce around in little groups. With different levels of curiosity and courage, these little cuties follow you along their fences and, sometimes, scramble underneath the wire and then scurry back inside. I was utterly charmed.
I also worried about them, I wanted to make sure they got
back into their fields. I wanted to
engage with them; I couldn’t take my eyes off them. One thing I didn’t want to do was put them
in a cubicle and make ’em sit in a chair until their spines were misshapen and
their eyesight went.
I wouldn’t do that to a lamb, but I’m all too willing to do that to myself.
Why is that?
Today, let’s open up the Awareness Toolkit and take a look at unkind behavior towards ourselves.
Before we start, let me clarify here – we’re STEM people, we
have projects and deadlines, we have bugs, defects, and production problems – sometimes,
we just have to dig in and do the thing.
We have to fix it, finish it, or get it working again.
Collaboration is our lifeblood. We know that investing in our social network
is key to getting through difficulties, so we make sure we help out other
people. We brainstorm, listen to peers as
they talk through an idea, or interrupt ourselves to help others hit their goals.
If we’re not doing this to some
extent, we won’t succeed.
When we overdo these behaviors so that our health, relationships,
or positive outlook suffers, then we’ve entered the dark zone of sacrifice.
For me, it’s the forced march. I fall into the habit of working long hours
without a break. I forget to drink
water, I resist getting up, I pile up snacks to give me little boosts of dopamine
as I work to my own detriment. I don’t notice
that I’m getting less and less done, and I’ve crossed the horizon into
diminishing returns.
For others, it shows up as giving up their own
desires to say yes to other people.
It can show up as skipping lunch because you’ve accepted too
many meetings. Doing one little thing,
to help someone, then another, then another, until you’re staying late to catch
up.
We can fall into overdoing our good habits of determination
and collaboration. Our thinking takes on a more extreme turn.
We think that something is more important than ourselves,
we believe if we don’t complete this task or say yes to this request, the
results will be threatening or even catastrophic. We convince ourselves our value is tied to
achievements. Sometimes, looking at
our current situation, we tell ourselves, just this one more time. Next time, we’ll plan better. Meanwhile, we’re staying later, we’re feeling
resentful, and we can’t even list our results for the day.
Any of that sound familiar?
Listen, lambkins, it doesn’t get better until you become
aware of the issue and of the ways it goes wrong.
This behavior stems from a positive intention. We presume
our self-sacrifice makes us team players. We’re tough, dedicated, and have the
ability to go the extra mile. At work,
most of us want to be excellent. We want
to go above and beyond. We also feel
like none of this could have predicted. This
is the reality, we need to sacrifice for the good of the company. True dat, right? NO!
Hey, I got it right this week… here’s the whiteboard of where we start on this journey.
Here’s what our behavior,
driven by this positive intention, looks like:
Changed or canceled personal time – we move
our vacations, are afraid to plan them or take them, we miss birthdays or
family celebrations, we get home just as the kids are going to bed. Not only once or twice, but on the regular.
Forced Marches – Long hours, extreme effort,
unrealistic expectations.
I just did this last night. There
were three of us working on a production issue, which we knew we could resolve,
but the root cause would become obscured.
One of us had a hard stop that blew right by as we egged each other on,
looking at one more thing, checking one variable, trying to get to the complete
answer. It was made worse because we
already gathered sufficient evidence, an hour before, to prove the source of
the issue.
Poor planning, lack of experience – when we run
out of time on projects, or can’t deliver results, we don’t look like pros. This is so hard to say because it kinda hurts
me to admit it.
As professionals, trapped in the
go-go, can-do mindset, we don’t do the less glamourous work of continually reframing
our MVP (minimum viable product). If all
our projects end up in a big push or fail to come in on time, we really owe it
to ourselves and the company to demand that we step back and re-evaluate. These issues are solvable, and we stop
ourselves from finding solutions when we don’t require them. I’m not saying it’s easy or that I have this
solved – it crops up over and over – like crabgrass. The key is to face it – be
aware.
Exhaustion, Stress, Resentment – I don’t think
I have to explain this. If you’re sacrificing
your health, your sleep, the breaks that your brain needs to thrive, it’s going
to show, and you’re going to get cranky.
Falsely Helpful – Oh my, we’ve all met this
person. We ask them for something, and it’s clear that they don’t have time to
help. We try to take our request
back. They won’t let go of it. We apologize; they insist that there’s no need. With a big, fake smile, they head off at a
hundred miles an hour to do what we’ve asked, and we’re left there, feeling
guilty. Don’t be this person. Just say no.
Being Kind to Yourself Is the Best Gift for your Team
Are you ready? Let’s turn this nasty cycle on its head.
Go from Self-Sacrificing to Self-Affirming.
Here’s where we end up as we become aware of the consequences of sacrificing ourselves to work and move to a self-affirming stance.
When we adopt a self-supporting
attitude, we remind ourselves that our health and life priorities are first. After all, we’re working for a reason. I’m pretty sure it’s not a deep desire to
drop dead at my desk while my family doesn’t even notice. Sad to say, this has been a real possibility
for me at times. The good news is I’m
aware of my propensity, and I’m not willing to live like this anymore.
As we’re faced with challenges, in this new mindset, we
tell ourselves, if I don’t finish, fix, solve, do whatever I’m tempted to
sacrifice for, then I’ll find another
way.We remind ourselves that
there will always be another emergency, but there’s only one of us. We can’t do anything well if we’re exhausted,
miserable, or running in circles.
Scary huh? Did you just reject all of that out of
hand? You’re not broken. You are right on track. My clients, and I, resist moving to a self-affirming
place. Here’s why:
We THINK this behavior means:
We’re selfish
We’re mediocre
We’re not a team player
We’re risking our job
All of that is pretty darn frightening. Better play it safe, and keep sacrificing, right?
If you need some help working through how to affirm your right to health, optimisim and a great personal life, just say the word. You can book a 25 minute session with me and I’ll walk you through your personal, specific issue. It’s free, it’s my jam, and I promise it’ll be useful. Click Here. I can help you – THIS WEEK.
NO! Because we’re wrong. When you act in a self-affirming way, you actually demonstrate this:
Belief in your ability to find better solutions – we love
to be around people who think there’s a better way and want to try to find
it! We love this. You’ll love being this person. Try it. You won’t always win, but others will want to
help you solve things better, and the more you do this, the more value you add
at work.
Stopping when your productivity falls, calling it a night
– nothing will help your team more than knowing the right time to call it a
night and send people home. Sometimes,
we’re all just waiting for the one person who has the backbone to say uncle.
Professional planning, designing, tracking, and
delegating – Once you’ve committed to never sacrificing yourself, you’re
going to need to change the way you work.
Don’t wait to figure this out before you stop overdoing it. You have to stop first, then you’ll be driven
to figure it out. This is counter-intuitive,
but it’s the magic key. When you have to
face the consequences of being self-affirming, then you figure out pretty quick
how to prioritize, plan, and all the other good stuff. Be brave! Jump in!
Self-respect, good health, smart breaks – think about
a person you know who doesn’t sacrifice their health for their job and still
manages to knock it out of the park. There’s
a man I’ve worked with who is like this.
He exercises, he leaves on-time most days, and he’s well respected. If he can do it, we can do it.
Treating others as competent – this is the most unexpected and beneficial side effect. When you treat yourself respect, when you don’t overdo it, you have to rely on others to do their jobs. You stop over-helping and that, allows others to grow too. In a way, you’re less selfish? What? Yep. True.
See this little lambkin?
This is us, heading off into the world of work. We have no idea what’s about to hit us.
Have some compassion for your innocent self, trying to do a
great job in a challenging world. There’s
no need to sacrifice yourself, lamb.
Our lives are miraculous and if you’re reading this, you’ve already arrived.
Potential must be a BIG word. It has to be tall – because we need to live up to it, right? It’s inscrutable because we have to work hard to realize it. We had better get to it because we don’t want to fail to reach our potential. Right? Right? After all, our managers are eager to help us and we want to be excellent.
Too bad. Because we’ll never succeed at manifesting our true human potential. It’s a massive Catch-22.
Our human potential is unlimited.
If you would like a free 25-minute session – click here. It’s free, it’s on zoom, camera on or camera off. It’s my pleasure
Listen, I’m a person who always wants to take on challenges, learn, grow, and keep moving, I mean, that is some fun way to live. But I want to give a big, fat raspberry to that idea that we all need to hurry to reach our potential, or that there is one perfect manifestation of our potential.
So I decided to get the facts. I went to Google and got the first definition that came up. (Yes, do laugh, but we’re moving on.) When used as a noun, the definition is “latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness.”
Basically, we’ve got some stuff we’re not using yet. It may be useful but, we have to put some work in to make that so. When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound like life or death. It might not even be worth missing a family outing for.
Look, I don’t know about you, but I’ve got lots of “stuff” I’m not using. I’m not using my ergonomic keyboard; I’m not using my subscription to Dragon Speak. Fact is, both of those are going to require a bit of effort and time and I’m not ready. Why? Because I’m busy – I’m writing my blog, I’m rushing to get outside a enjoy a perfect September Saturday walking my dogs. I’m looking forward to getting my house clean and maybe cooking that free turkey from last Thanksgiving before I get another one. You know. I’m living my life.
You are too. Well, not my life. You’re living yours.
And that? Is a gift.
According to a Japanese Zen story, we can think of our human existence like this:
Our very existence, at this moment, on this planet, in this human form, is as unlikely as a sea turtle sleeping on the bed of the ocean for 100 years, waking up and swimming to the surface, and putting its head into a floating oxen yolk. Not just any floating oxen yolk, but a golden one, as in made of gold – heavy, sinkable gold, that is floating for a brief moment, pushed this way and that by the wind and waves. The likelihood of our 100-year-old sea turtle hitting that yolk perfectly – that’s the chances of us being here as humans, with our experiences, in this life and being aware of the present moment.
The minute I allow my quest to reach my human potential to cause me to refute the wonder of this present moment, I’ve let go of the rare gift of the here and now.
And it’s worse than that. I’ve used the distance between where I am and where I can go to mean that there is something wrong with me, here, as I am, because I’m assuming there is somewhere better to go, some better person to be.
It’s just not true.
There is no getting to my full potential, ever. And there’s certainly no getting to my potential without starting where I am now.
So go ahead, walk out into the superunknown of your own potential. Take risks, try new things, learn more stuff. Set goals; achieve them. All of that creates texture and flavor in this beautiful life you’ve been given. Work hard. Do stuff.
Just know, the future doesn’t hold a final goal that gets you to the place where your life starts with you in the starring role as a fully realized human.
Dude, you’re already there.
And that? Is a good idea to hold onto.
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Great Mornings, Great Work Days and Great Lives might happen by chance, but why not DIY?
This is one of my ten best mornings. That thought changed my life. It was a beautiful day and I was heading out the door to work when the thought crossed my mind. This is one of the ten best mornings of the year.
I stopped in my tracks. Ok, not literally. I still headed out to my car, put the key in the ignition and headed out. But mentally, I was stuck. Why, I wondered, was this such a great morning? I started to pick the last few hours apart. I’d woke up, had great coffee, meditated and listened to music while I dressed.
Making these things part of my regular routine was not a great intellectual leap once I’d uncovered this. Over the years, I’ve added to my routine, noticing what makes a great morning and what doesn’t. I can pretty much have a blast before work on any day I choose now. A great morning for me includes not checking my cell phone, sitting quietly on my cushion with my dogs curled up beside me, getting outside with one of them and walking or running – all accompanied by my favorite playlist. If I really want to have a perfect morning, I’ll eat breakfast on my deck and continue the music during my commute.
You build great mornings and days by noticing what’s working.
You can also build mental resilience – strong, positive thought patterns – by noticing what’s working.
First off, we need to notice and celebrate the positive in our lives. Why not, right? We certainly pay attention to the negative.
Next – analyze what happened. Figure out how you were feeling at the time and what actions you were taking. Jot down what you were thinking. Replay the thought and double check it… when you think it again, does it give you the same feeling you had? If so, you have found the right thought.
Putting positive events through analysis is a very powerful activity. Here’s why: When you are really on, doing great and being your best self, you’re having feelings that feel great, you’re taking actions that pay off and getting great results. So figuring out what you’re thinking is really helpful. When things aren’t going well, we have to work hard to find believable ideas that we can use to help ourselves. Well, the stuff we’re thinking on a great day is exactly that – believable thoughts that work. It’s good to have them in our back pocket for when we need them.
So make sure to catch those thoughts like fireflies and keep them in a bottle where you can see them glow.
To learn how to slow down your thinking and catch the thoughts that work, book a free session with me – here.
If your hero’s journey has gone south and you feel like this guy… read on.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.” ― Joseph Campbell
Joseph Campbell wrecked my life.
Nah, not really. But he did mess with my mind. For years, the idea that I should be following my bliss provided me with a certain feeling of discouragement. What did it mean? Was it the same as purpose? If I didn’t have one, did that negate the meaning of what I actually was doing?
What is our bliss? I’m pretty sure Mr. Campbell didn’t mean we should strive to eat donuts and drink whiskey – and certainly not at the same time. All the while I was asking this question of myself, I was studiously ignoring his other point:
“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” ― Joseph Campbell
Whaaa? I’m the answer? This is going to get messy.
Monkeying around… looking out there….
I thought a purpose was something people living the best lives had. I thought I should have one too. I tried some on – was my purpose to help other people? To … I dunno… create some big wonderful thing? Keep learning? Bake better cookies? Be a wife/daughter/mother/employee? Good grief. None of that sounded right.
I’d rather go look for meaning somewhere the heck else – like over there perhaps.
My life was, and is, banal at its core. I want to be safe. I want to spend time with loved ones. I want to share stuff and have a bit of fun, have a dog around and some music. I fritter entire days away reading genre fiction. My purpose? Maybe I just wasn’t one of the lucky ones who had a bliss to follow. I gave up. Besides, I had other problems – I was miserable at work. So, I set out to solve that puzzle instead. My search to be happy at work finally taught me how a person and a purpose come together.
Frustrated and unhappy, I decided to take the radical step to find one thing I enjoyed doing within my job – turned out it was being part of our team. I loved our team. I thought we were the best thing since ice cream. Once I found that one thing, I looked for ways to do more of it – how could I help the team? What did the team need? I told myself my work was fundamentally to focus on the well being of the team.
I decided I needed to understand what I was good at so I could use my strengths, if I had any, to help the team. I figured out how to figure out what I was good at, and then I started to do more of that.
Here’s what happened: I started to feel much, much better.
Thrilled with the results of my little lab experiment, I began trying to help other members of our team find, and focus on, their strengths too. Because, heck, I was getting good at it, and by the way, the research bears out the idea that this is a viable approach to productivity at work – which – is the name of the game in business.
Slowly, I began to view everything at work through the lens of team, strengths, happiness, and productivity. Life got way better.
I began to notice that work was better than my personal life. Huh. So I toddled off to investigate that. Here’s what I found – fear.
Fear that I would lose this job I now loved again. Fear that I would not be able to contribute meaningfully to our family if I lost my job. Fear that it would all go away.
Why was nothing just EASY?
“Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.” ― Joseph Campbell, Creative Mythology
To solve this problem, I became obsessed with finance. If I was debt free, surely losing my job would be no problem. I paid everything off. – Nope, still full of fear. If I had a certain amount of money in the bank – surely then I’d feel safe? – Did it. Still frightened as a child.What if I cut all our expenses and a professional with lots of creds confirmed that, if everything went to hell in a handbasket, I- armed with a job at the local grocery check out – could single-handedly hold the whole family up? Then surely, I’d feel safe.
Check. And no. Money didn’t cancel out fear.
Looking inside…
“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.” ― Joseph Campbell
Thanks, Joe. So, with a bit of exasperation, I chucked everything in my life except my day job, one volunteer gig and the people I loved – and started over. I listed out everything I’d have to do to finally be free of fear and feel safe. I started with the first item on the list. Physical health.
In my search to find health, I stumbled into a life coach. She said she’d help me lose weight by managing my mind. OK? That was new. I studied hard. I did everything she said to do. I pulled apart my thoughts, dissected my feelings and actions. I found at the heart of it all – I always felt – unworthy.
OH GAK. Not that Self – Esteem Shite Again. Really?
I kept working at it …and then… miracles. I started to understand that I’m amazing. I’m a mess – and – I’m amazing. Like a sleeping animal, waking and blinking in the light of the morning, I crawled out of my fear and stood, dazzled in the light of a new a day. All around me were other people with the same story – a story of – I’m a mess and I’m amazing. They weren’t saying it. They were living it – taking chances, trying things, laughing at their mistakes and full of sick-to-your-stomach, get-out-of-your-box daring. And Joy. And Compassion. So much compassion, for themselves and others.
That became my purpose. To model self-compassion and acceptance so that others can see what it looks like – in everything I do, I want to help myself and others find our strengths and see our own value. Here’s the beauty – I can do that at work, at home, alone or in a crowd. Turns out, purpose isn’t a static thing you find once and be done with. It doesn’t have to be grand, it doesn’t have to change the world. Purpose is a lens you create for yourself, through which you bring meaning to what you do.
Do I still have fear? Sure thing. Do I still want my job? You bet. Do I hit my purpose every day? Not by a long shot.
So, how do you craft your purpose?
You stop looking for one and start living.
Namaste, you messy, amazing people. Namaste.
This post is dedicated to my brave clients, all of whom are out there trying, failing, living it up. If this post resonates with you – sign up for a free 25-minute session Here: https://rockyourdayjob.as.me/free
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This week I just have to say something about exhaustion. Here it is: Have Mercy…on yourself.The whole blog, read to you.
Needless suffering. This is one of the things that makes me show up, week after week, blogging, coaching and reaching out. There are other things I could be doing with my time and frankly, after a long work week, I often ask myself if this coaching stuff is really worth it, and then, something like this will happen:
Me: “OK, and how do you behave, right then, in the moment?”
Client: “I fall apart.”
Me: “What does that mean? Specifically.”
Next, I hear something like this – they go somewhere safe – home, out for a walk, or just shut the door to their office – and they stop holding back their emotions. I’m not talking about cursing a little bit or needing a tissue. I’m talking about big, sloppy tears or explosive physical releases – emotional exhaustion, physical exhaustion or both. Sometimes, they have to leave for the day. They have to cancel meetings, or they keep it together until they get home and then they lose it on their own time. Most often, they continue to work – literally crying or silently fuming while they continue to answer emails, write code, finish that report.
My heart breaks for my clients who go through this, not because I think they have been victimized at work. I’m heartbroken because the suffering is real, it’s chronic and it is needless.
I work with entrepreneurs, IT professionals, engineers, managers, healthcare professionals, and analysts. These are not people easily overwhelmed by life and the pressures of a career. My clients are uniformly smart, high performing, insightful people with a lot of drive. They are the people companies want most – and they are exhausted.
Look, nobody in corporate America is specifically trying to create workplace conditions that foster overwork, inefficiency, employee frustration, and exhaustion. I have never met a single person in authority who thinks it’s a good idea to foster a culture where people are afraid to go home, tied to ineffective teams and management and literally crying at their desks. Absolutely not. Most executives want staff to focus at work, be willing to deliver during project deadlines and figure out how to go home at a reasonable time.
Where is the disconnect?
Here’s my story:
I used to manage a convenience store for a major chain. I worked more hours than I can even speak to. I worked physically and mentally. I was working so much that I literally couldn’t keep weight on my body; I had to borrow clothes from a friend. My husband took a job in my store, just so he could relieve me. One evening, my father called me to say hi. My speech was redundant and non-sensical. All I could say is “I have to feed my son.” I repeated this over and over. My father, worried but out of state, sent my mother to my home. I remember saying to her, “I have to put him to bed. I need to get him ready for bed.” I remember not being able to stop. She had to take me by the hand and physically guide me to bed. The next day, the doctor ordered me out of work for a full week.
Here’s the thing. I worked myself literally to exhaustion. I was convinced everything I was doing was absolutely critical, vital to my success at work and the functioning of the business. And then, I was yanked out of the store for a full week. And you know what happened to the store?
Nothing.
Someone was sent to cover for me. Everything went on.
I was, in a way, irrelevant.
It was a humbling experience. It also made me vow to never work myself that hard again. All that suffering, all that work, had been for nothing. At some point, I had failed to notice the point of diminishing returns and just kept working. Now, so many years later, I can look back and see the cruelest part of all that – in that state of mind, with so few physical and emotional resources, I was never going to bring my store into a state of excellence. I was trying to hit standards, but what I needed wasn’t more labor. What I needed was time and space to network, learn and think about how to do that in a way that brought in revenue. I can tell you for sure, with my mind focused on how to get everything done so I could race home, sleep fast and hustle back to work – I was never thinking about the big picture. I was destined to kill myself in order to be mediocre. Ouch!
Here’s another story:
I used to work with a woman who over-worked herself daily. She insisted that everything with her name on it be perfect, meticulous. She was very unhappy and considering quitting. I remember asking her if she couldn’t just lower her standards for a bit. She was adamant that she couldn’t do a less than perfect job. She expected herself to deliver excellent work. She was unwilling to choose anything to leave undone.
She had a long commute so she rented a room near our office so that she could continue to work late. Her spouse remained at their home. Her unhappiness deepened. I asked again, why not just leave on time and see what happens?
She couldn’t bring herself to try it, even for a week. Instead, she left the company.
She basically drove herself to quit so she didn’t have to fail. The more perfect everything had to be, the further she got from the failure line, the less clear she was about how far she’d gone. She thought failure was one missing comma away when in reality it was a dozen minor details behind her. Diminishing returns are the most expensive.
Think about these stories. Can you see how the actions myself and my friend were taking were actually LESS helpful to our companies, families, and teams than if we’d given ourselves space to stop and take stock, regroup and refocus on what mattered?
Thought errors are easier to see in other people than ourselves.
That’s one reason we hire coaches. Nobody was making me scrub the floor under the shelves in my store on my knees. (Yes, I did that.) Nobody was making my friend deliver suitable-for-framing meeting minutes. Nowhere is this clearer than for my clients who own the business they work in. Everything they’re doing is literally up to them – and they too, suffer.
Even in endurance focused cultures where those who “sleep under their desks” are cheered, the rubber hits the road right under our own chair. Can we prioritize our work well? Can we tell people no? Can we accept some sub-par performance in less critical areas so we can deliver on the important stuff? Have we even stopped to think about what the most valuable work we can do today is? Can we just go the heck home when there’s still some work left to do? For many of us, we could, but we don’t. We want to please people, feel important and be excellent. Some of us are waiting for people above us in the chain to notice that we need relief and give us permission to stop the madness.
I’m not saying that we should never put in overtime. I’m suggesting that we set some guidelines for ourselves. I’m saying, figure out what you want to try, tell your manager what you’re doing and then do it. For a week. See what shakes out. And then try something else.
Don’t ask your manager to solve your work-life balance issue – quite frankly, they can’t. They can help, but in the end, you still have to do the important work and then get up and go home.
That, my tired friends, is having mercy on yourself –
And that? Is OK.
If you would like to have someone to bounce ideas off of – I’m here. Sign up for a free 25-minute session – Here. On me, no strings.
Try telling this guy he’s not happy. Interest and Pride make the top ten of positive emotions. Who’s farting rainbows now?
Right. Everybody’s supposed to be happy all the time. That’s what all these airy-fairy life coaches are all about. Right? Right?
Get over yourself. That’s so 1999. Happiness is the powerhouse of innovation, curiosity, and dedication. Success is not an easy feat to achieve. You’re going to need some serious mojo to get there. Check out the list below.
The Big 10 Positive emotions:
Joy.
Love.
Gratitude.
Serenity.
Interest.
Pride.
Hope.
Amusement.
Inspiration.
Awe.
Positive thinking gets a bad rap in STEMcircles.I mean, we spend all day writing test scripts and providing evidence for stuff… like our code will actually deliver the right result, or that dam will hold water for instance. We’re not big fans of “thinking will make it so”.
Look at that list. Really look at it. Which do you think makes more sense –
You work really hard, become successful and then you find meaning in your work, new ideas, and curiosity?
OR… You have an abiding love for what you do, you are interested in what works, inspiration strikes and then you’re successful?
If you define happiness as the set and the 10 big emotions as the subsets of happiness, it’s pretty easy to see that if you’re happy, success is pretty much coming down the road to meet you.
Chicken, my friend, the egg was first. Happiness drives success. So figure out what puts happy on your face, and go for it, even if that positive expression looks a lot like an alert pit bull.
If you want to find out ways you can feel happier at work, book a free session with me – here.
