What we pay attention to not only matters, it measures.
If you have never googled commencement addresses, you are missing out. If you are only going to listen to one, then let me recommend This is Water by the late David Foster Wallace.
If you haven’t heard it, just click the link there and give it a listen. I’ll wait.
In his speech, Mr. Wallace talks about the discipline of consciously choosing where to focus our attention.
“This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t. You get to decide what to worship.” David Foster Wallace
He states that in real life, we all worship something… either a spiritual set of beliefs or something else, like beauty, power, or intellect – all of which, he adds, we are free to do. But, he adds:
“The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people…“
The act of paying attention signals to our brains what is most important. Mr. Wallace has some advice about what we might want to pay attention to and he also clues us in on how hard it is to follow his advice.
Our brains evolved to help us focus on the most crucial stuff: cookies, romance, and an awesome apartment. Our brains are also exquisitely tuned to revising and re-evaluating the world around us. This evaluation process happens every time we pay attention. Each time we bring our attention to an experience, our brains revise the reward we associate with the experience.
What does this mean?
It means that when we choose what to pay attention to, we not only consciously shape our experience – we also trigger our brains to revise how rewarding that experience is.
Dr. Judson Brewer – who I’ve mentioned before – has a great video that lays out the process for updating our brain’s value measurement. You can click the link and check it out.
Things get really interesting because the opposite is also true. When we do not pay attention to what we are experiencing – our brains don’t update our valuation of that experience.
Why does this matter?
Look, most of the time, we are on autopilot. We watch TV while we cook dinner. We whip through emails and tune out our co-workers. We are lost in thought while we wait for our food and while we eat it. We rush through our work without tuning into our emotions.
Every time we engage with something without paying attention to it, we fail to update our brain’s valuation system. So, we wind up believing that eating two candy bars for lunch is just as good as it was when we were twelve. We don’t notice how utterly miserable it is to be rushing through our workday. So we just. keep. doing it.
When we pay attention to something, we’re telling our brains that it matters… and that it needs to be re-measured.
According to Dr. Brewer, it takes as few as ten re-measurements to change the value our brain places on something.
According to Mr. Wallace – that is the way to freedom.
And that? Is just good to know.
People who are overworked and overwhelmed at work often need help finding anything that they can enjoy and hang on to while they work on resolving the source of their pain. In my six-week program, we tackle all of that – the overwork, the overwhelm, and the suffering. Six weeks, you’re better or your money back. Want to find out more? Click here.
Would you kick this cute little guy in the face? Of course not. So why are you doing that to yourself?Looks like a long blog… take a shortcut and listen to it instead. Check out the pictures below first. Rock on!
A few years ago, some friends and I hiked the John Muir Way, a trail that bisects Scotland. The hike was fantastic. It led us through pastures, fields, towns, and beside canals. Did you know that you can smell the scotch in the air around a distillery? I kid you not. At one point, we spent a day passing fields of sheep. It was May, so there were lambs. If you’ve never been around ’em, they bounce around in little groups. With different levels of curiosity and courage, these little cuties follow you along their fences and, sometimes, scramble underneath the wire and then scurry back inside. I was utterly charmed.
I also worried about them, I wanted to make sure they got
back into their fields. I wanted to
engage with them; I couldn’t take my eyes off them. One thing I didn’t want to do was put them
in a cubicle and make ’em sit in a chair until their spines were misshapen and
their eyesight went.
I wouldn’t do that to a lamb, but I’m all too willing to do that to myself.
Why is that?
Today, let’s open up the Awareness Toolkit and take a look at unkind behavior towards ourselves.
Before we start, let me clarify here – we’re STEM people, we
have projects and deadlines, we have bugs, defects, and production problems – sometimes,
we just have to dig in and do the thing.
We have to fix it, finish it, or get it working again.
Collaboration is our lifeblood. We know that investing in our social network
is key to getting through difficulties, so we make sure we help out other
people. We brainstorm, listen to peers as
they talk through an idea, or interrupt ourselves to help others hit their goals.
If we’re not doing this to some
extent, we won’t succeed.
When we overdo these behaviors so that our health, relationships,
or positive outlook suffers, then we’ve entered the dark zone of sacrifice.
For me, it’s the forced march. I fall into the habit of working long hours
without a break. I forget to drink
water, I resist getting up, I pile up snacks to give me little boosts of dopamine
as I work to my own detriment. I don’t notice
that I’m getting less and less done, and I’ve crossed the horizon into
diminishing returns.
For others, it shows up as giving up their own
desires to say yes to other people.
It can show up as skipping lunch because you’ve accepted too
many meetings. Doing one little thing,
to help someone, then another, then another, until you’re staying late to catch
up.
We can fall into overdoing our good habits of determination
and collaboration. Our thinking takes on a more extreme turn.
We think that something is more important than ourselves,
we believe if we don’t complete this task or say yes to this request, the
results will be threatening or even catastrophic. We convince ourselves our value is tied to
achievements. Sometimes, looking at
our current situation, we tell ourselves, just this one more time. Next time, we’ll plan better. Meanwhile, we’re staying later, we’re feeling
resentful, and we can’t even list our results for the day.
Any of that sound familiar?
Listen, lambkins, it doesn’t get better until you become
aware of the issue and of the ways it goes wrong.
This behavior stems from a positive intention. We presume
our self-sacrifice makes us team players. We’re tough, dedicated, and have the
ability to go the extra mile. At work,
most of us want to be excellent. We want
to go above and beyond. We also feel
like none of this could have predicted. This
is the reality, we need to sacrifice for the good of the company. True dat, right? NO!
Hey, I got it right this week… here’s the whiteboard of where we start on this journey.
Here’s what our behavior,
driven by this positive intention, looks like:
Changed or canceled personal time – we move
our vacations, are afraid to plan them or take them, we miss birthdays or
family celebrations, we get home just as the kids are going to bed. Not only once or twice, but on the regular.
Forced Marches – Long hours, extreme effort,
unrealistic expectations.
I just did this last night. There
were three of us working on a production issue, which we knew we could resolve,
but the root cause would become obscured.
One of us had a hard stop that blew right by as we egged each other on,
looking at one more thing, checking one variable, trying to get to the complete
answer. It was made worse because we
already gathered sufficient evidence, an hour before, to prove the source of
the issue.
Poor planning, lack of experience – when we run
out of time on projects, or can’t deliver results, we don’t look like pros. This is so hard to say because it kinda hurts
me to admit it.
As professionals, trapped in the
go-go, can-do mindset, we don’t do the less glamourous work of continually reframing
our MVP (minimum viable product). If all
our projects end up in a big push or fail to come in on time, we really owe it
to ourselves and the company to demand that we step back and re-evaluate. These issues are solvable, and we stop
ourselves from finding solutions when we don’t require them. I’m not saying it’s easy or that I have this
solved – it crops up over and over – like crabgrass. The key is to face it – be
aware.
Exhaustion, Stress, Resentment – I don’t think
I have to explain this. If you’re sacrificing
your health, your sleep, the breaks that your brain needs to thrive, it’s going
to show, and you’re going to get cranky.
Falsely Helpful – Oh my, we’ve all met this
person. We ask them for something, and it’s clear that they don’t have time to
help. We try to take our request
back. They won’t let go of it. We apologize; they insist that there’s no need. With a big, fake smile, they head off at a
hundred miles an hour to do what we’ve asked, and we’re left there, feeling
guilty. Don’t be this person. Just say no.
Being Kind to Yourself Is the Best Gift for your Team
Are you ready? Let’s turn this nasty cycle on its head.
Go from Self-Sacrificing to Self-Affirming.
Here’s where we end up as we become aware of the consequences of sacrificing ourselves to work and move to a self-affirming stance.
When we adopt a self-supporting
attitude, we remind ourselves that our health and life priorities are first. After all, we’re working for a reason. I’m pretty sure it’s not a deep desire to
drop dead at my desk while my family doesn’t even notice. Sad to say, this has been a real possibility
for me at times. The good news is I’m
aware of my propensity, and I’m not willing to live like this anymore.
As we’re faced with challenges, in this new mindset, we
tell ourselves, if I don’t finish, fix, solve, do whatever I’m tempted to
sacrifice for, then I’ll find another
way.We remind ourselves that
there will always be another emergency, but there’s only one of us. We can’t do anything well if we’re exhausted,
miserable, or running in circles.
Scary huh? Did you just reject all of that out of
hand? You’re not broken. You are right on track. My clients, and I, resist moving to a self-affirming
place. Here’s why:
We THINK this behavior means:
We’re selfish
We’re mediocre
We’re not a team player
We’re risking our job
All of that is pretty darn frightening. Better play it safe, and keep sacrificing, right?
If you need some help working through how to affirm your right to health, optimisim and a great personal life, just say the word. You can book a 25 minute session with me and I’ll walk you through your personal, specific issue. It’s free, it’s my jam, and I promise it’ll be useful. Click Here. I can help you – THIS WEEK.
NO! Because we’re wrong. When you act in a self-affirming way, you actually demonstrate this:
Belief in your ability to find better solutions – we love
to be around people who think there’s a better way and want to try to find
it! We love this. You’ll love being this person. Try it. You won’t always win, but others will want to
help you solve things better, and the more you do this, the more value you add
at work.
Stopping when your productivity falls, calling it a night
– nothing will help your team more than knowing the right time to call it a
night and send people home. Sometimes,
we’re all just waiting for the one person who has the backbone to say uncle.
Professional planning, designing, tracking, and
delegating – Once you’ve committed to never sacrificing yourself, you’re
going to need to change the way you work.
Don’t wait to figure this out before you stop overdoing it. You have to stop first, then you’ll be driven
to figure it out. This is counter-intuitive,
but it’s the magic key. When you have to
face the consequences of being self-affirming, then you figure out pretty quick
how to prioritize, plan, and all the other good stuff. Be brave! Jump in!
Self-respect, good health, smart breaks – think about
a person you know who doesn’t sacrifice their health for their job and still
manages to knock it out of the park. There’s
a man I’ve worked with who is like this.
He exercises, he leaves on-time most days, and he’s well respected. If he can do it, we can do it.
Treating others as competent – this is the most unexpected and beneficial side effect. When you treat yourself respect, when you don’t overdo it, you have to rely on others to do their jobs. You stop over-helping and that, allows others to grow too. In a way, you’re less selfish? What? Yep. True.
See this little lambkin?
This is us, heading off into the world of work. We have no idea what’s about to hit us.
Have some compassion for your innocent self, trying to do a
great job in a challenging world. There’s
no need to sacrifice yourself, lamb.
Our lives are miraculous and if you’re reading this, you’ve already arrived.
Potential must be a BIG word. It has to be tall – because we need to live up to it, right? It’s inscrutable because we have to work hard to realize it. We had better get to it because we don’t want to fail to reach our potential. Right? Right? After all, our managers are eager to help us and we want to be excellent.
Too bad. Because we’ll never succeed at manifesting our true human potential. It’s a massive Catch-22.
Our human potential is unlimited.
If you would like a free 25-minute session – click here. It’s free, it’s on zoom, camera on or camera off. It’s my pleasure
Listen, I’m a person who always wants to take on challenges, learn, grow, and keep moving, I mean, that is some fun way to live. But I want to give a big, fat raspberry to that idea that we all need to hurry to reach our potential, or that there is one perfect manifestation of our potential.
So I decided to get the facts. I went to Google and got the first definition that came up. (Yes, do laugh, but we’re moving on.) When used as a noun, the definition is “latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness.”
Basically, we’ve got some stuff we’re not using yet. It may be useful but, we have to put some work in to make that so. When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound like life or death. It might not even be worth missing a family outing for.
Look, I don’t know about you, but I’ve got lots of “stuff” I’m not using. I’m not using my ergonomic keyboard; I’m not using my subscription to Dragon Speak. Fact is, both of those are going to require a bit of effort and time and I’m not ready. Why? Because I’m busy – I’m writing my blog, I’m rushing to get outside a enjoy a perfect September Saturday walking my dogs. I’m looking forward to getting my house clean and maybe cooking that free turkey from last Thanksgiving before I get another one. You know. I’m living my life.
You are too. Well, not my life. You’re living yours.
And that? Is a gift.
According to a Japanese Zen story, we can think of our human existence like this:
Our very existence, at this moment, on this planet, in this human form, is as unlikely as a sea turtle sleeping on the bed of the ocean for 100 years, waking up and swimming to the surface, and putting its head into a floating oxen yolk. Not just any floating oxen yolk, but a golden one, as in made of gold – heavy, sinkable gold, that is floating for a brief moment, pushed this way and that by the wind and waves. The likelihood of our 100-year-old sea turtle hitting that yolk perfectly – that’s the chances of us being here as humans, with our experiences, in this life and being aware of the present moment.
The minute I allow my quest to reach my human potential to cause me to refute the wonder of this present moment, I’ve let go of the rare gift of the here and now.
And it’s worse than that. I’ve used the distance between where I am and where I can go to mean that there is something wrong with me, here, as I am, because I’m assuming there is somewhere better to go, some better person to be.
It’s just not true.
There is no getting to my full potential, ever. And there’s certainly no getting to my potential without starting where I am now.
So go ahead, walk out into the superunknown of your own potential. Take risks, try new things, learn more stuff. Set goals; achieve them. All of that creates texture and flavor in this beautiful life you’ve been given. Work hard. Do stuff.
Just know, the future doesn’t hold a final goal that gets you to the place where your life starts with you in the starring role as a fully realized human.
Dude, you’re already there.
And that? Is a good idea to hold onto.
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You might not be able to control what station is on when you start the car… but you don’t have to leave it there.
Last week, I stated that our thoughts cause our feelings, and that’s true. However, there’s a whole category of feelings that arise before we even have a thought.
Disclaimer: There are a lot of areas of the brain engaged in collecting sensory inputs and shuffling them around in there. If you want to know the names of all of them, and how they all fit together, rock on. Just know you won’t find it in this blog.
Data is being smuggled into our brains twenty-four seven.
For our purposes, it’s enough to know that our brain is actively collecting information about the world around us and that information is not being brought in through the main command and control center.
This information cargo includes facial expressions, sounds, smells, tastes, physical feelings – basically everything your senses can detect. All that data is then compared to memories of emotionally charged events and, without your permission, elaborate defense systems are engaged, based on the level of the threat. When this happens, all we know is that we’re suddenly frightened, or angry, or stunned.
It’s like the military staged a coup in our head
It kinda did. No amount of thought work is going to prevent those protective systems from engaging – initially. But here’s the brilliant part –we can get very, very good at interrupting the process.
Here’s the deal. Once that defense system engages, a lot of stuff happens super fast. Our heart rate picks up, our digestive processes stop and our higher thought centers come offline – just for a hot second.
Think about it, when a bus is barreling down on you, standing around wondering – “Is that the airport shuttle? Will it to turn left just before it gets to me?” is a sub-optimal plan.
So the defense center shuts down your internal re-run of Frasier and sends you jumping back to the curb like your ass was on fire. Good deal – if there’s a bus coming.
Sadly, when we’re in a meeting and a micro-expression of fear flashes on the face of the guy next to us, our inner General MacArthur might decide to assume control of the bridge. What comes out of our mouth next, might not what we hoped for. Welcome to the human race.
Normally, when the defense system kicks in, we just go with it. We get upset, we fight back, verbally or physically, or we turn away, either by running or by withdrawing from the social setting. That can mean tuning out the rest of the meeting or obsessing about all the negative things that could come from the situation. This type of engagement keeps the defense system on high, keeps the hormones flowing and can create chronic stress and all its negative health implications.
The name of the game is “Stand Down, ASAP.”
If you would like me to help you calm your inner Viking and get your personal Einstein back in charge, sign up for a free 25-minute session by clicking this link –https://rockyourdayjob.as.me/free. It would be my pleasure, no strings attached.
The first alert system might not be under your control, but all the rest – absolutely is.
Tuning into the physical feeling of your amygdala firing can give you an edge. Get curious about your reactions.
When strong feelings arise spontaneously, like anger or agitation or simply a big fat impulse to run your mouth, stop and take a moment to notice how you feel -emotionally and physically. All this defense is being driven by hormones and we can notice how they feel in our bodies. And if you’re driving a big ol‘ negative feedback loop by ruminating on a problem? Brilliant – because you have plenty of chances to catch on to the sensation.
The next step is to train yourself to pause when you feel this, verbally identify the event and then wait for the hormones to dissipate. I’m such a nerd about this, that I actually say “I’m having an amygdala hijacking, just give me a moment.” And yes, that gets me some odd looks.
If you react by engaging with the emotions – yelling, running, arguing, asserting a brilliant defense of your rights – the hormone pump will keep running. If you wait patiently, the defense system will stand down, your amygdala hijacking will end and you can continue making logical decisions about how you want to respond to the world around you.
And that? Can have a huge impact on your health and your relationships.
Next Week: Why your boss should be buying you a mattress.
This guy’s not thinking that he can’t catch up at work. What are you thinking?
Here’s the deal. What you think determines how you feel. Slam. Dunk.
So if you’re walking around thinking that your situation is making you happy or sad or one of the four other feelings you know how to describe, read on. Because when you understand this, worlds open up.
Take one look at the guy in the picture. You might not know exactly what his circumstances are, but you probably have some pretty good ideas about what he’s thinking. Maybe something like ‘Yes!’ or ‘I found it!’ came to mind? You have no idea what elicited the expression on this dude’s face but you know what the feeling is and you know the thoughts are about something that went his way.
The reason you can guess the thoughts but not the situation is easy. Thoughts drive feelings, not circumstances.
Here’s another, less happy example. If there are four people present when someone near to them passes away, if the event caused the feelings, all four would feel the same thing. But it doesn’t take too much thought to imagine a range of possible feelings. One of them might be devastated. One might be mildly sad, sympathetic to the feelings of the others. Still another, might be angry and, it’s possible, one of them might be relieved, especially if the person had suffered.
If Facts Drove Feelings, We’d All Feel the Same Way at the Same Time.
But that’s not what happens. We have thoughts, sentences that our brains offer up and those thoughts? Create feelings.
So. What.
I’ll give you so what. So your feelings are being created by your thoughts and, your thoughts… are within your control.
Feel Me Yet?
Let me say it again. What you think is what creates the emotions you have and if you’ve been paying attention, you might now be thinking something a little wild. You might be thinking that our brains offer up easy options for us to think. And those thoughts are often cheap shots offered by our mid-brain because they’re easy for the brain to find and toss out to us. That means, a lot of what we’re feeling is in response to some pretty shaking thinking. Hold the horror show Bat Man. You mean I’m feeling worried for nothing? Maybe so, Dude.
If you’d like to have me walk you through an example from your own life, book a free 25 minu session here: Book A Free Session I would be thrilled to take you through it and I won’t be a bit offended even if you decide never to coach with me again. No problemo.
Let’s write this in code.
If: Thoughts create Feelings
And : People control their Thoughts
Then: People can control their feelings.
WHAA?
Try it. The next time you feel a powerful emotion, figure out what you’re thinking. Write it down. Later, try thinking that same thought and see if it brings up the same emotion. Or better yet, try this. The next time you feel a powerful emotion, try to amplify it. It’s a pretty empowering experience. Because you’ll be quick to figure out, that if you can make a feeling stronger, you can also make it weaker. Suddenly, you’re in the driver’s seat. You get to pick what you want to think. You get to dial emotion up or down. You get to decide how you want to feel.
One word of caution. None of this works with pretend thoughts, meaning thoughts you don’t really believe. Telling yourself you’ll win the lottery tomorrow when you don’t have a ticket, isn’t going to bring you any joy.But telling yourself that you can manage your work load (and really, isn’t that what you’re already doing? For real?) can bring you real relief, real fast.
Next Week: My amygdala made me do it. The exception that proves the rule.
