Tag: happiness

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A Month of Somedays

Are you waiting on a ship that hasn’t come in yet?

Someday, you’ll have inbox zero. Someday, you’ll have a regular exercise routine. Someday, you’ll lose ten pounds and someday…you’ll live your best life… as your best self.

Here’s a secret. That day can be today.

All you have to do is agree that even though that day is today… your inbox might have 491 emails, 242 of them unread.

All you have to do is agree that what you did yesterday is no proof of who you are.

The dirty dishes in the sink this morning, the dog that ate your running shoes, the late-night nacho extravaganza yesterday, and the total lack of white space in your calendar today… doesn’t mean that you can’t be your best self and live your best life – today.

Did I lose you?

Hang in there.

This is a short read and you said that you wanted all those someday things.

Ok, do this with me… I want you to imagine yourself at eight-five. Unless you are eighty-five, then just be you.

You are eighty-five. You’ve already retired unless you’re the President, in which case, you’re excused.

You’re eighty-five. Your skin has lost its elasticity. Your joints are stiff and it takes a long time to get camera-ready.

Think of someone close to you – a spouse, a child, a friend. How old will they be? What will they look like?

What will you look like?

Where are you living? In your home? How are you managing in that home at this age? Who cares for the lawn? How do you get groceries?

Close your eyes and really see it. Then open them again. I’ll wait.

Let me ask you something.

What is that one thing, you know the one thing, you are always saying you would like to improve about yourself? I know there’s a long list, but start with the one you’ve been working on for your whole life and still haven’t nailed.

When you saw yourself at eighty-five, did that problem still exist?

Just think about that.

When do you believe you will change? Some murky year between now and eighty-five? Some murky year after eighty-five?

How important was this change to your eighty-five-year-old self?

OK … you’re free, come back to your current age. At this point in time, what are you telling yourself about how life will be when you:

  • Get to the perfect weight
  • Get your desk and inbox under control
  • Get your house running smoothly
  • Become a regular meditator
  • Kick sugar and flour to the curb
  • Build up serious muscle tone
  • Learn to be a full stack developer
  • Move to the next level at work
  • Buy that house, get that dog, have those kids, break that glass ceiling, be the change you want to see, become a force for good in the world and live life to the fullest?

What are you telling yourself about WHO you will be then?

Be that.

Be that person – now.

If you have great muscle tone and you’ve lost weight, then who are you? Healthy? Beautiful? So what? Why do you want that? So you can live long? So you can shoot a music video?

A person who had accomplished what you want to accomplish would be doing something different than you are doing now. They would dress different, they’d be serving soup to the poor this weekend, they’d be auditioning for the Voice.

Don’t wait until you’re eighty-five to do those things. Especially the Voice audition.

If you have inbox zero and blocks of space on your calendar at work – so what? What does that mean? Does that mean you’re organized? Does that mean you’re responsive? Does that mean you finally get to work on the important things and do that strategic thinking at work?

Why not skip the step where you wish you could do that… and just… do that? Act like a person that’s organized. Act like a person who gets five hundred emails a day and still is responsive. How would that even work?

Right. Some of this you can do right now… you can act organized… by planning and prioritizing and some stuff… like being responsive and strategic with five hundred emails a day just isn’t going to look like inbox zero – ever. It’s going to look like not answering those emails so fast and actually being on do not disturb while you do some work. And then it might look like pinging a few key people to make sure they have what they need from you. They’ll resend that email – believe me.

OK go back to being eighty-five and imagine you never did any of the things you wanted or believed you wanted to do. You’re overweight. You can’t get out of a chair. You spent your whole career being reactive, suffering at your desk, walked away from work early because you couldn’t take another day and your retirement fund is limited. Your mind is just as tumultuous as it is today… you never did learn to meditate. Your voice is shot and you never made a music video. Whatever it is that you are saying you’ll accomplish later – go to later and see the result of not doing it.

Wow! Right?

What did you learn?

When I did this exercise, I realized that not accomplishing that one thing wasn’t what brought me a deep sense of regret. It was all the things I didn’t do because I was waiting for me to be perfect before I started. At eighty-five, I was like – Amy, you idiot, why didn’t you just …. go for it anyway? Not even trying was my worst-case scenario… and now… I was living it.

Deep breath. Relax.

Straighten your spine.

What if the only moment you ever have to be your best self, living your best life… is now?

Everything’s OK – but you don’t really have plenty of time.

The time is now.

It is better to take voice lessons at fifty-eight, than never to have sung at all.

If you want to be a person who is relaxed, exercises, eats a lot of veggies and says no to cake, gets the most important work done during the business day, and watches plural site videos on the couch while eating popcorn …. while their spouse watches re-runs… then be that.

You’re not going to be perfect.

It’s not going to be easy.

You’re not going to be happy all the time.

And that’s OK –

None of that is actually happening for you now either. You already know how to do imperfect, difficult, and mildly annoyed.

You got this.

OK.. .one last trip to the future. Imagine you did that… ate big salads, went for terrific walks, only worked eight hours a day, and learned how to build a UI in angular while wearing your noise-canceling earphones as you cuddled up with your honey. Imagine you took singing lessons and did a walk-on at the local bar for your friend’s band and brought down the house singing Born to Be Wild at the top of your lungs.

You didn’t win The Voice but you sang, man, you sang.

Go a bit more into the future. You have been living that life, eating apples, walking in the sun, not overworking, learning new things, and belting them out at the corner bar on Fridays for years now, maybe decades. You just started one day… you read this crazy blog and you just…. started acting AS IF you were living your best life.

You didn’t make it a problem.

You didn’t need to be perfect.

You just…decided to act as if you already had your best life.

And that? Is just possible.

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Letting Go of the Need to Get There

Our lives are miraculous and if you’re reading this, you’ve already arrived.

Potential must be a BIG word. It has to be tall – because we need to live up to it, right? It’s inscrutable because we have to work hard to realize it. We had better get to it because we don’t want to fail to reach our potential. Right? Right? After all, our managers are eager to help us and we want to be excellent.

Too bad. Because we’ll never succeed at manifesting our true human potential. It’s a massive Catch-22.

Our human potential is unlimited.

If you would like a free 25-minute session – click here. It’s free, it’s on zoom, camera on or camera off. It’s my pleasure

Listen, I’m a person who always wants to take on challenges, learn, grow, and keep moving, I mean, that is some fun way to live. But I want to give a big, fat raspberry to that idea that we all need to hurry to reach our potential, or that there is one perfect manifestation of our potential.

So I decided to get the facts. I went to Google and got the first definition that came up. (Yes, do laugh, but we’re moving on.) When used as a noun, the definition is “latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness.”

Basically, we’ve got some stuff we’re not using yet. It may be useful but, we have to put some work in to make that so. When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound like life or death. It might not even be worth missing a family outing for.

Look, I don’t know about you, but I’ve got lots of “stuff” I’m not using. I’m not using my ergonomic keyboard; I’m not using my subscription to Dragon Speak. Fact is, both of those are going to require a bit of effort and time and I’m not ready. Why? Because I’m busy – I’m writing my blog, I’m rushing to get outside a enjoy a perfect September Saturday walking my dogs. I’m looking forward to getting my house clean and maybe cooking that free turkey from last Thanksgiving before I get another one. You know. I’m living my life.

You are too. Well, not my life. You’re living yours.

And that? Is a gift.

According to a Japanese Zen story, we can think of our human existence like this:

Our very existence, at this moment, on this planet, in this human form, is as unlikely as a sea turtle sleeping on the bed of the ocean for 100 years, waking up and swimming to the surface, and putting its head into a floating oxen yolk. Not just any floating oxen yolk, but a golden one, as in made of gold – heavy, sinkable gold, that is floating for a brief moment, pushed this way and that by the wind and waves. The likelihood of our 100-year-old sea turtle hitting that yolk perfectly – that’s the chances of us being here as humans, with our experiences, in this life and being aware of the present moment.

The minute I allow my quest to reach my human potential to cause me to refute the wonder of this present moment, I’ve let go of the rare gift of the here and now.

And it’s worse than that. I’ve used the distance between where I am and where I can go to mean that there is something wrong with me, here, as I am, because I’m assuming there is somewhere better to go, some better person to be.

It’s just not true.

There is no getting to my full potential, ever. And there’s certainly no getting to my potential without starting where I am now.

So go ahead, walk out into the superunknown of your own potential. Take risks, try new things, learn more stuff. Set goals; achieve them. All of that creates texture and flavor in this beautiful life you’ve been given. Work hard. Do stuff.

Just know, the future doesn’t hold a final goal that gets you to the place where your life starts with you in the starring role as a fully realized human.

Dude, you’re already there.

And that? Is a good idea to hold onto.

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If you think we’re all too focused on happiness…

Try telling this guy he’s not happy.
Interest and Pride make the top ten of positive emotions.
Who’s farting rainbows now?

Right. Everybody’s supposed to be happy all the time. That’s what all these airy-fairy life coaches are all about. Right? Right?

Get over yourself. That’s so 1999. Happiness is the powerhouse of innovation, curiosity, and dedication. Success is not an easy feat to achieve. You’re going to need some serious mojo to get there. Check out the list below.

The Big 10 Positive emotions:

Joy.

Love.

Gratitude.

Serenity.

Interest.

Pride.

Hope.

Amusement.

Inspiration.

Awe.

Positive thinking gets a bad rap in STEM circles. I mean, we spend all day writing test scripts and providing evidence for stuff… like our code will actually deliver the right result, or that dam will hold water for instance. We’re not big fans of “thinking will make it so”.

Look at that list. Really look at it. Which do you think makes more sense –

You work really hard, become successful and then you find meaning in your work, new ideas, and curiosity?

OR… You have an abiding love for what you do, you are interested in what works, inspiration strikes and then you’re successful?

If you define happiness as the set and the 10 big emotions as the subsets of happiness, it’s pretty easy to see that if you’re happy, success is pretty much coming down the road to meet you.

Chicken, my friend, the egg was first. Happiness drives success. So figure out what puts happy on your face, and go for it, even if that positive expression looks a lot like an alert pit bull.

If you want to find out ways you can feel happier at work, book a free session with me – here.

The 10 big positive emotions – if you want to read about the research visit www.pursuit-of-happiness.org

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Your Boss Should Buy You a Mattress

But if she won’t, here’s how to make sure you get your zzzz’s and why it should matter to both of you.

There’s Falling Asleep…

Falling asleep is an art. And like any good artist, you have to practice. You have to pay attention and care about the process and the results.

My own journey with re-learning to fall asleep started with a small notebook and pen. Every day for about two weeks, I jotted down all the random details I could think of about my environment and my perceived quality of sleep. I did this both before I went to bed and when I woke up.

  • What time I got in bed.
  • What time did I last check the clock? (When did I fall asleep?)
  • When did I get up?
  • How did I feel in the morning?
  • What temperature was the room? What blankets did I use?
  • What type of light was there?
  • What did I do just before I went to bed?
  • What did I eat?

Out of all that note taking I learned this – to fall asleep quickly, I needed:

  • Pitch black (I went from using night lights to total lights out)
  • Cool temperatures
  • A bit of protein – like yogurt.
  • No laptop in bed before lights out

Your results might vary but by doing this exercise, I got to my minimum number of actions to ensure a fast descent into blissful sleep. Try it yourself. It only requires about 2 weeks of notetaking.


This method worked far better than tracking my sleep with a device – using my perceived sleep quality turned out to be less ambiguous. With the device, the overload of data made it more difficult to narrow my results.


and Then There’s Falling BACK Asleep…

If you’re a person who wakes up in the middle of the night with your thoughts racing… and then suffers, praying to fall asleep again, until finally, you pass out about fifteen minutes before the alarm goes off – you know that finding a way to fall back asleep is key.

During the night, your brain is consolidating all your learning from the prior day. It’s busy in there, Dude. My theory is that when we wake up and catch it working, we get sucked into thinking that we’re actually figuring out important stuff. Trust me, we’re not. How many of those sleepless nights actually yielded great insights for you? Right. Not enough to be worth it. To fall back asleep, you have to stay out of your brain’s way and let it do it’s job.

Here are three ways to fall back asleep.

Count Sheep

Basically, count backward from 100. If you get to 0, start at 100 again. Usually, by the third time through, you’re out. The key here is to make the counting just hard enough that you have to stay focused, but boring enough that your mind gives up and goes to sleep.

Count Sheep Version 2

Count backward from 100 by threes. You’ll probably have to move this option within a week or so of counting backward. The first method will have become too easy. Your mind will be able to wander back to your mental busy work. To make it hard enough to keep you focused, count down by 3 – 100, 97, 94, 91, 88, 85, 82, 79… see how the pattern doesn’t repeat for a long time? That’s what keeps your mind focused just enough. Again, you won’t often make it through three rounds before you’re out like a light.

Hack Your Mind

This is my new favorite way . Just stick with me here.

  1. During the day – pay a lot of attention to the idea that sleep is very important. What you’re doing is priming your brain that sleeping is as important as whatever else you spin out on at night. Try to tie some emotion to the thoughts. I had “Get a Good Night’s Sleep” up on my whiteboard for about 2 months and when I looked at it, I tried to feel grateful that I was going to give myself the gift of sleep. I also noticed that all that thinking I did in the middle of the night never actually got me any results. By paying attention, during the day to the idea that sleep is a top priority, you’re telling yourself this is important stuff. Sleep is vital. Thinking at night is not valuable. You need to believe both of these. Fortunately, you probably already do.

2. When you wake up in the night with your mind racing – ask yourself the question, “Where Am I?” This is an old Zen question that changes your perspective from rumination to observation. Answer yourself with “I’m in my bed.” Let yourself wake up enough to really see that you’re in bed.

3. Next, as your mind picks up the thread of whatever thoughts it’s working on – tell yourself some version of “I’m not working on that now. The bed is for sleeping.”

If you’re like me, you’re brain will release the thought and you’ll drop right back to sleep.

I’d love to hear if this brain hack works for you. Drop me a line on facebook @RockYourDayJob or on LinkedIn – Amy D’Annibale and let me know how it works for you. Or set up a 25-minute free coaching session here and tell me in person.

And Then … There’s Why It Matters…

I just got done listening to The Passion Paradox by Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness. Here’s a quote from that book, that explains why a good night sleep is good for you and your company:

“If you really love your work and want to do a good job at it, the last thing you should do is sacrifice sleep. In the early 2000s, then groundbreaking research out of Harvard University found that it is during sleep that you retain, consolidate, store, and connect information. In other words, your mind doesn’t grow and make leaps when you are at work, but rather when you are at rest. “

 THE PASSION PARADOX: A Guide to Going All In, Finding Success, and Discovering the Benefits of an Unbalanced Life by Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness. Copyright © 2019 Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness

Another thing I read this year is that your brain prioritizes consolidation of negative memories first. Why? Well, it’s super important to remember where the tigers are. Remembering where the raspberries were? Not as much. You need to get about 6.5 hours of sleep to get the neutral and the positive learning consolidated too.

Here’s a link to a peer-reviewed article basically talking about both these concepts:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3079906/

A rough night’s sleep makes you less creative and less optimistic.

Not really what your boss is looking for. So shut down your email and hit the sack – your boss won’t mind. Promise.

Next Week: Why tracing your results back to your thoughts matters.