Of course not. So why are you doing that to yourself?
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A few years ago, some friends and I hiked the John Muir Way, a trail that bisects Scotland. The hike was fantastic. It led us through pastures, fields, towns, and beside canals. Did you know that you can smell the scotch in the air around a distillery? I kid you not. At one point, we spent a day passing fields of sheep. It was May, so there were lambs. If you’ve never been around ’em, they bounce around in little groups. With different levels of curiosity and courage, these little cuties follow you along their fences and, sometimes, scramble underneath the wire and then scurry back inside. I was utterly charmed.
I also worried about them, I wanted to make sure they got back into their fields. I wanted to engage with them; I couldn’t take my eyes off them. One thing I didn’t want to do was put them in a cubicle and make ’em sit in a chair until their spines were misshapen and their eyesight went.
I wouldn’t do that to a lamb, but I’m all too willing to do that to myself.
Why is that?
Today, let’s open up the Awareness Toolkit and take a look at unkind behavior towards ourselves.
Before we start, let me clarify here – we’re STEM people, we have projects and deadlines, we have bugs, defects, and production problems – sometimes, we just have to dig in and do the thing. We have to fix it, finish it, or get it working again.
Collaboration is our lifeblood. We know that investing in our social network is key to getting through difficulties, so we make sure we help out other people. We brainstorm, listen to peers as they talk through an idea, or interrupt ourselves to help others hit their goals. If we’re not doing this to some extent, we won’t succeed.
When we overdo these behaviors so that our health, relationships, or positive outlook suffers, then we’ve entered the dark zone of sacrifice.
For me, it’s the forced march. I fall into the habit of working long hours without a break. I forget to drink water, I resist getting up, I pile up snacks to give me little boosts of dopamine as I work to my own detriment. I don’t notice that I’m getting less and less done, and I’ve crossed the horizon into diminishing returns.
For others, it shows up as giving up their own desires to say yes to other people.
It can show up as skipping lunch because you’ve accepted too many meetings. Doing one little thing, to help someone, then another, then another, until you’re staying late to catch up.
We can fall into overdoing our good habits of determination and collaboration. Our thinking takes on a more extreme turn.
We think that something is more important than ourselves, we believe if we don’t complete this task or say yes to this request, the results will be threatening or even catastrophic. We convince ourselves our value is tied to achievements. Sometimes, looking at our current situation, we tell ourselves, just this one more time. Next time, we’ll plan better. Meanwhile, we’re staying later, we’re feeling resentful, and we can’t even list our results for the day.
Any of that sound familiar?
Listen, lambkins, it doesn’t get better until you become aware of the issue and of the ways it goes wrong.
This behavior stems from a positive intention. We presume our self-sacrifice makes us team players. We’re tough, dedicated, and have the ability to go the extra mile. At work, most of us want to be excellent. We want to go above and beyond. We also feel like none of this could have predicted. This is the reality, we need to sacrifice for the good of the company. True dat, right? NO!
Here’s what our behavior,
driven by this positive intention, looks like:
Changed or canceled personal time – we move our vacations, are afraid to plan them or take them, we miss birthdays or family celebrations, we get home just as the kids are going to bed. Not only once or twice, but on the regular.
Forced Marches – Long hours, extreme effort, unrealistic expectations.
I just did this last night. There were three of us working on a production issue, which we knew we could resolve, but the root cause would become obscured. One of us had a hard stop that blew right by as we egged each other on, looking at one more thing, checking one variable, trying to get to the complete answer. It was made worse because we already gathered sufficient evidence, an hour before, to prove the source of the issue.
Poor planning, lack of experience – when we run out of time on projects, or can’t deliver results, we don’t look like pros. This is so hard to say because it kinda hurts me to admit it.
As professionals, trapped in the go-go, can-do mindset, we don’t do the less glamourous work of continually reframing our MVP (minimum viable product). If all our projects end up in a big push or fail to come in on time, we really owe it to ourselves and the company to demand that we step back and re-evaluate. These issues are solvable, and we stop ourselves from finding solutions when we don’t require them. I’m not saying it’s easy or that I have this solved – it crops up over and over – like crabgrass. The key is to face it – be aware.
Exhaustion, Stress, Resentment – I don’t think I have to explain this. If you’re sacrificing your health, your sleep, the breaks that your brain needs to thrive, it’s going to show, and you’re going to get cranky.
Falsely Helpful – Oh my, we’ve all met this person. We ask them for something, and it’s clear that they don’t have time to help. We try to take our request back. They won’t let go of it. We apologize; they insist that there’s no need. With a big, fake smile, they head off at a hundred miles an hour to do what we’ve asked, and we’re left there, feeling guilty. Don’t be this person. Just say no.
Being Kind to Yourself Is the Best Gift for your Team
Are you ready? Let’s turn this nasty cycle on its head.
Go from Self-Sacrificing to Self-Affirming.
When we adopt a self-supporting attitude, we remind ourselves that our health and life priorities are first. After all, we’re working for a reason. I’m pretty sure it’s not a deep desire to drop dead at my desk while my family doesn’t even notice. Sad to say, this has been a real possibility for me at times. The good news is I’m aware of my propensity, and I’m not willing to live like this anymore.
As we’re faced with challenges, in this new mindset, we tell ourselves, if I don’t finish, fix, solve, do whatever I’m tempted to sacrifice for, then I’ll find another way. We remind ourselves that there will always be another emergency, but there’s only one of us. We can’t do anything well if we’re exhausted, miserable, or running in circles.
Scary huh? Did you just reject all of that out of hand? You’re not broken. You are right on track. My clients, and I, resist moving to a self-affirming place. Here’s why:
We THINK this behavior means:
- We’re selfish
- We’re mediocre
- We’re not a team player
- We’re risking our job
All of that is pretty darn frightening. Better play it safe, and keep sacrificing, right?
If you need some help working through how to affirm your right to health, optimisim and a great personal life, just say the word. You can book a 25 minute session with me and I’ll walk you through your personal, specific issue. It’s free, it’s my jam, and I promise it’ll be useful. Click Here. I can help you – THIS WEEK.
NO! Because we’re wrong. When you act in a self-affirming way, you actually demonstrate this:
Belief in your ability to find better solutions – we love to be around people who think there’s a better way and want to try to find it! We love this. You’ll love being this person. Try it. You won’t always win, but others will want to help you solve things better, and the more you do this, the more value you add at work.
Stopping when your productivity falls, calling it a night – nothing will help your team more than knowing the right time to call it a night and send people home. Sometimes, we’re all just waiting for the one person who has the backbone to say uncle.
Professional planning, designing, tracking, and delegating – Once you’ve committed to never sacrificing yourself, you’re going to need to change the way you work. Don’t wait to figure this out before you stop overdoing it. You have to stop first, then you’ll be driven to figure it out. This is counter-intuitive, but it’s the magic key. When you have to face the consequences of being self-affirming, then you figure out pretty quick how to prioritize, plan, and all the other good stuff. Be brave! Jump in!
Self-respect, good health, smart breaks – think about a person you know who doesn’t sacrifice their health for their job and still manages to knock it out of the park. There’s a man I’ve worked with who is like this. He exercises, he leaves on-time most days, and he’s well respected. If he can do it, we can do it.
Treating others as competent – this is the most unexpected and beneficial side effect. When you treat yourself respect, when you don’t overdo it, you have to rely on others to do their jobs. You stop over-helping and that, allows others to grow too. In a way, you’re less selfish? What? Yep. True.
See this little lambkin? This is us, heading off into the world of work. We have no idea what’s about to hit us.
Have some compassion for your innocent self, trying to do a great job in a challenging world. There’s no need to sacrifice yourself, lamb.
And that? Is just good to know.