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Sometimes I’m brought to awareness to find myself in mid-air with no idea how I got there.

Not really, but it can feel pretty close to that. Don’t tell me this hasn’t happened to you. You’re sitting at your desk, you have a scorecard, or heat map, or report or presentation to deliver. Suddenly you look up, you’re a half-hour closer to the end of the day, but the screen in front of you shows pictures of a weather disaster that hit Antigo, Wisconsin in 1922. What the heck are you doing?

If you’ve been following along with this blog, you understand that thoughts drive feelings, which drive actions. This is really helpful to know when you have a nice clear thought to work with. Something like “I want to create a demographic report like I want a hole in the head,” is pretty easy to trace through that stack. Thought: negative. Feeling: resistance. Action: google etymology of ‘a hole in the head’. Result: useless information, no report.

Most of the time, we’re not all that clear on how we got to our current action. We just sort of wake up to our results and wonder where we went wrong.

If you don’t know what you were thinking, and you’re not all that clear on what feelings are actually being triggered inside you, never fear. You can start with the one thing you probably do know – what you were doing.

Actions that my clients report to me, and that I notice in myself, tend to fall into a few broad buckets.

Delaying/Avoiding

Purposeful/Focused

Inaction

Adjusting

Rejuvenating

When you have a moment of awareness and you catch yourself in mid-action, notice which bucket the action falls in. From there, you can work you’re way out of undesired actions using the techniques below. You can also pay more attention to desired actions and start to notice the types of feelings that create those valuable actions and results.

The main thing you need to know – any time you are approaching a planned activity that will require action and result in change, you will encounter a moment of mental resistance. This is normal. Our brains are designed to prefer conservation of energy and easy gratification. We want to be in the recliner, eating chips, binge watching. Why? Because back in the day, this was a smart strategy in a world where rest and food were limited. Our world has changed, we haven’t. So don’t let that mental resistance hold you back.

Now, on to the tactics you can use when you catch yourself in mid-action.

Avoidance actions: If you’re sitting at your desk with a mouthful of cookie that you haven’t swallowed and one in your hand, ready for demolition, you’re probably in delay/avoid mode. If you’re scrolling social media or wandering around the building looking for the perfect ballpoint before you start your project – you are busted. There’s nothing wrong with you. Basically, you’re avoiding something. The problem arises when we attribute our desire to avoid things to the project we have to do. Ever notice that once you get into it, most projects are not so bad? We tell ourselves we don’t want to do the thing, but in reality, what we’re avoiding is how we are feeling. This is really tricky to pick up on and why you hire a coach to help you. For now, if you catch yourself in this type of activity, you can work your way out of it by stopping and jotting down everything you’re thinking about your current project. Make yourself keep going for a whole page. Once you pass the halfway mark, just start jotting down all the positives about the project. Chances are, you’ll be ready to get to work with your current pen. No bowl of chips needed.

Purposeful actions: Here’s where we all wished we lived all the time. You have a task, you’re focused and you’re getting stuff done. No worries. If you catch yourself in this type of mode, make a quick note of how you feel and what you think about the project. Being aware that working makes you feel good and understanding the way you think about work when you’re not avoiding it, makes it easier to divert yourself from avoidance in the future.

Inaction: What we think and feel can also drive inaction. Inaction can be a benefit or a detriment to our work. Sometimes what we’re not doing is positive. We’re not goofing around, we’re not beating ourselves up, we’re not watching re-runs of The Office. Just like noticing how you feel and think when you’re doing purposeful work, noticing your current state of mind when you’re not handicapping yourself is good information. More often, we’re not doing our most important work. If you become aware of that nagging feeling that you’re working on the wrong thing, stop and notice what you’re not doing. Ask yourself why you aren’t doing your project. If you’re like me, your brain has lame answers for this. Often, I’m very busy answering an email about something that will happen next week, while I’m studiously not doing the thing that’s needed tomorrow. Just like avoidance actions, the fastest way back to my primary activity is to stop, spend three minutes writing down my thoughts about my primary activity, and then move to some more positive thoughts. If I can’t think of a single nice thing to think about the work I’m not doing, then I just list facts. Listing the facts often calms me down and gets me focused by cutting out the drama. Changing “I don’t have time, I’m not ready and I’m a failure, I’m going to blow this” to something less angst-ridden and more factual like ” The deadline was unexpected, I’m the only one here to do the work, something is better than nothing” is often all I need to get out of inaction.

Adjusting: Sometimes the action we’re taking is reframing. We are aware of our thoughts, and the feelings they create. We realize that this trajectory is leading us nowhere fast. So we interrupt our own behavior chain with a new thought. We use thoughts as actions. We notice our thought. “I hate PowerPoint”. We notice our feeling – frustration with all those little boxes and the endless formatting. We understand already that this won’t help. So we take the action of changing our thought to “Just do the darn thing and move on.” We feel grim determination and we format our title slide. That’s adjusting.

Rejuvenating actions: These are the really great actions that actually do relax us. These are not to be confused with the actions that drain us. This is walking the dog, not scrolling Facebook. This is playing a game with your kids, not watching them watch TV. Sometimes this looks a lot like work – this weekend, we built a shed and painted it. It was work, yes. It was also very satisfying.

So as you catch yourself engaging in an action – ask am I –

Avoiding? Working? Not taking action? Adjusting? Rejuvenating?

Is this action beneficial? If so, what can I notice about how I’m thinking and feeling?

If the action isn’t working for you, write down a half-page of your current thoughts. Then write the facts of your situation. Now, is there anything helpful you can think about this set of facts?

From there, you can move to another type of action.

And that? Is just good to do.

I had an epiphany a few years back. I was thinking about the difference between two people I knew who were both applying for the same job. Either one could have been hired. Both were excited by the prospect. Both were similar in skills. There was no clear decision point to decide the issue but in the end, the interviewers chose one.

I spent several hours musing on why the team hired the person they did.

In the end, it came down to this:

One of them wanted to have the job. One of them wanted to do the job.

And that? Made all the difference.

Here’s the deal. Regardless of how we feel on any given day, we need to sit down and the do the work. It’s a hella easier when we want to do it.

I’m bringing this up, because here on Labor Day weekend, it’s good to remind ourselves that we want to do the job.

It’s good to remember that we want to do a terrific job. Not because it will please the people around us, but because it pleases us. I have never had a client yet, no matter how miserable, who didn’t want to be great at their job.

Think about that.

I work with people who have burnt the heck out, and they STILL want to see themselves as highly competent. They want to be the go-to person at the office, they want to write clean, elegant code, they want to engineer flawless systems, create marketing campaigns that shine, bring secondary infection rates to zero, and a dozen other inspiring things.

Why? Because we want to feel confident, competent and relevant.

How do we get that? By sitting down and doing the work. There’s no escaping it.

Whatever our position is, there’s work to be done. That’s just a fact. How we think about that work drives the way we feel as we approach each task. That’s a huge game changer there.

You can tell yourself that you’re an amazing fireball at work but if you don’t believe it, that kind of thinking isn’t going to help. So it’s not enough to chant some happy horse stuff about how great you are. You gotta be real up in there.

You gotta ask yourself some hard questions, like “Would I pay me this much to do what I do?” If the answer is no, you better be doing some follow up work. For instance, ask yourself what you would have to deliver to actually earn that bank.

One thing I always want to know is – How can I do my job better?

I’m stunned at the number of people I know who don’t ask that question during their reviews. It’s sad, but some people think admitting they have room to grow is a sign of weakness.

Here’s what’s weak – not working when you’re supposed to be on the clock. Here’s what’s lame – working yourself to death on the wrong task. Here’s what’s a shame – putting your head on the pillow at night knowing you didn’t bring it that day.

We all have days when we do one or all three of these. I don’t care who you are. If you’re growing, you’re mucking something up. That’s where your opportunities are and you can’t find them if you won’t look for them.

There’s a bright side to all this though.

Showing up, crushing your day, and giving your work a smackdown feels mind-blowingly good. Why? Because then when you tell yourself you’re an awesome desk warrior with a mean code stack, you believe it. Great thoughts about your bad self feel amazeballs.

The crazy good part is that when you believe that stuff, and you think like that, you show up, step up, work hard and leave the work day high-fiving yourself.

Which is why, nobody ever tells me that they just want to be average.

You can sit down, get to work, deliver results, and step right into that cycle. If you don’t think you’re kickin’ it at work, then start with one of these:

– I’m going to be better today than I was yesterday. – I’m going to do the one thing that will create the most value today – or my favorite: Enough already. Today I’m going to sit down and crush it.

From there, you move right into feeling focused, valuable, determined and from there, you take action. What you do at work has meaning. It creates results. All it takes is one day, crushing it to get you back in the saddle. So as we celebrate all things work, think about the days you most enjoyed on the job. I bet you a free hour on your calendar that you were focused and working well.

OK…but working hard means I work too late. What about a home life?

Hell yeah. You should have that too. Straight up. You gotta break the back of the belief that doing a great job is painful.

How do you disconnect them? You look to your own brain. Ask it to solve for the best of everything.

The absolutely magic question for this labor day is – How can I be smackin’ the cover off the ball at work and have the life of my dreams?

When you set your big, beautiful, creative, imaginative, puzzle-solving brain looking for the answer to that, you win. But rest assured, the solution will include work: smart, focused excellent work.

And that? Is just the best way to labor.

Click play to hear the audio version of this week’s blog, read to you, by me. And yep, there’s a great intro.

Hey! You! What’s the next big milestone in your life? The way you answer that question can tell you a lot about where you are in developing the skill of dreaming.

I’m not talking about dreaming while you’re asleep. I’m talkin’ about the day-dreaming future building kinda musing.

Do you have big, vibrant ideas about where you’re headed? The kind that make you want to get up in the morning and get crackin’? I hope you do. Having a future vision and a clear conception of what that future would take to build and the motivation to take action can mean the difference between a life full of growth and meaning, and … well, everything else.

If that paragraph has you feeling left out, hang in there. From working with my clients, I see that they fall into several camps. See if one of these is you.

“I have no idea what future I want to build. How can I? All I want is to survive my job today.”

“I have a million ideas, but I don’t act on any of them.”

“I’m working toward finishing college. (Or buying a home, or finding my life partner) but all my friends are further ahead than I am. I’m not even sure the American Dream can be mine, never mind my personal dreams.”

“I couldn’t list 25 things I’m moving toward if you paid me.” (See my blog on this – here.)

Look, we’re told from the time we can formulate a full thought that we can be and do anything we want.

And then? We’re told that what we want isn’t practical. We’re told that what we want isn’t the kind of thing we can do, because, hey, we’re not that guy. Or we just have a few things we need to get to first.

And then? Our American culture starts to hand us our list of milestones. Finish kindergarten, finish high school, college. Get a job. No, not that job. Get the one with the benefits, get a REAL job. Next, where’s your home? Your condo? What about a retirement fund? And by the way, where’s the 2.3 children and the spouse? Are you still working for peanuts? Get promoted.

For some of us, this is enough to send us into despair. We dream of hitting some or all of these and compare ourselves to our peers only to find ourselves failing. Discouraged and discontented, we struggle to just enjoy what we do have. That was me for a really long time.

By the time we manage to check off a bunch of those cultural milestones, we look up one day to realize that the children are out of the house and the only milestone left is the big 401K jackpot. A jackpot that we’re driving ourselves to fill up in advance.

Where’s our culture now? Happy to hand us a weak, second rate set of goals – a bigger house, fancier toys, upgrades on the stuff we already have. Eating tuna casserole? Try a tuna steak. Good stuff. Got a watch? How about one that can read your mind or at least your sleep patterns. Like to run? How about getting the latest cell phone and earbuds and serious shoes to make your run better?

No wonder my clients can’t think of a thing they want. Our culture has been doing it for them.

Here’s where it gets good. Turns out, you can use a dreaming process to start to lay out your own darn milestones. If you only do one thing today, do this first step – dream big.

To Dream – You Have To Go Big

This is always fun. Take off all the blinders. Put what-if aside. You ARE good enough and nothing has to make sense. Be impractical, be enthusiastic. Spend a whole commute or a whole exercise session or a whole hour on the porch thinking about all the fantastical things you might enjoy having, being, doing, or sharing. Dream up vacations. Dream up jobs. Dream lifestyles. Dream contributions. Dream salaries. Dream pets. Dream a body. Dream it all.

To Live a Dream – You Have to Pick One

This is the one that kills me. I always want to go after five or six at the same time. If this is you, get a coach. Picking one doesn’t mean you give up the others. Getting one done is the fastest way to get all of them. Every time I ignore this rule, things start to slide sideways. Pick one. Any one. Doesn’t matter. Achieving that dream will teach you how to get the next one done. Keeping them all going at once means that you’ll bail on one each time it gets tough. It’s a sure way to stagnate and prevaricate.

To Build a Dream – You Need Steps.

List out all the things that will stop you from getting to your goal. Then list out all the things you’ll have to do to overcome those obstacles. That’s your plan.

To Work on a Dream – You Need to Pre-Motivate

Pre-Motivate Dudette. You heard me. Waiting to feel motivated is the long-ass way around the dream building. Instead, list out what you are doing when you feel motivated. OK … and just before you do those things, what were you feeling? Uh-huh. And what did you think just before you felt that way? Turns out, we often feel motivated AFTER doing the thing we want to use motivation to get us started on. Why? Because once you’ve got your resume written, you start to think.. Hey, this is possible! And then? Well, since it’s possible, it’s pretty motivating. Pre-motivation is thinking the thoughts and having the feelings that precede taking action. Thoughts like “That’s it! I’m going to buckle down and do this!” and feelings like focus or commitment drive action. For some of my clients, it’s thoughts like “I don’t need to be perfect. I just want to see if I can do it” and feeling curiosity or excitement.

In all these years of coaching, I don’t think I’ve ever had a client say they felt motivated before they were already taking action. The feeling that I see most frequently preceding action? Curiosity. Second most common? Excitement.

Turns out curiosity motivated the cat. Waiting for motivation just drove it to the nursing the home.

If I confused you, sign up for a free 25 minute session here.

To Keep Going on a Dream – Dream Ahead

And here we are back again. It’s time to dream. Imagine yourself already having achieved your goal. How would that future person act if they were doing what you’re doing?

This is tricky one. For instance, if I want to be a full-stack developer, I’ll have to learn to code and stay current on the never-ending, always accelerating changes in language and design. Today, it’s quite daunting to consider taking the classes, doing the reading, lobbying for a chance to work on something new. But … if I actually was a full-stack developer, what would I think about the learning curve? Probably, I’d think it had been challenging, but I’m proud of what I did. If I had to take that angular class again, it would be no problem. I could retake it standing on my head.

That’s the magic dreaming we need to do in the middle of pursuing a dream. Really try to live today as if you’re already there. Not fake it ’till you make it. But rather, with the willingness and ease of mind that you’ll have, with the perspective you’ll have in the future. Spend a little time with your future you, getting to know her. After all, you’re going to be her soon.

WHY BOTHER? This dreaming stuff is a lot of work!

Here’s why. When my clients dream about their future, they set new goals and break out of ruts. Their lives get more interesting. Their zest for life and their confidence go up.

When I focus on a single goal and take action, I feel better that very day. Simply getting a bit of accomplishment under your belt and taking some concrete steps is a great way to beat the blues… and seriously, don’t we all have them just a little bit right now?

You can have a big, beautiful life. You can decide what milestone you want to achieve and you can live a life of continuous growth. It’s work. Sure it is. So is getting to the mailbox after spending four weeks on the couch. Which work do you want to have?

When you have goals, dreams, curiosity, a sense of adventure, and something to get up for? Man, that’s gold. That’s a dream. That’s your life with meaning and purpose.

And that? Is just a better way to work.

Fah- Fah- Fearless my foot. Right now, there’s like no reason in the world to feel fearless, and I mean, literally.

I’m going to share something with you – there actually is plenty out there to fear. I can sit here and say “don’t be afraid” but that’s not really what a life coach does. Mostly I ask questions. Things like “Is that true?” and “So what?” People pretty much pay me to be a pain in the neck. It’s possible that what you are afraid of is a real concern. And that’s good to know. Because, as Robert McCammon said, just because it’s real, doesn’t me we don’t act. I’m going to share here one of my favorite excerpts from his books. Basically, the townsfolk in the story are standing in the dark of night on the banks of a rising, raging river in a downpour. The boy and his father, join them, filling sandbags and slinging them into a wall, in an almost futile attempt to hold back nature. Here it is:

“There is something about nature out of control that touches a primal terror.  We are used to believing that we’re the masters of our domain and that God has given us this earth to rule over.  We need this illusion like a good night-light.  The truth is more fearsome: we are as frail as young trees in tornadoes, and our beloved homes are one flood away from driftwood.  We plant our roots in trembling earth, we live where mountains rose and fell and prehistoric seas burned away in mist.  We and the towns we have built are not permanent; the earth itself is a passing train. When you stand in muddy water that is rising toward your waist and you hear people shouting against the darkness and see their figures struggling to hold back the currents that will not be denied, you realize the truth of it: we will not win, but we cannot give up.” – Robert McCammon – from the novel Boy’s Life

Pretty intense. This week, mental health has been in the news. As we stay home longer, as we see the upsetting news about the pandemic along with the ugly campaign ads designed to frighten us, the real worries we have about sending our loved ones back to school and about what happens when grandparents and parents welcome them back into their homes, we wonder about the economics, climate change, the safety of vaccines, voter registration… all of it. And then? We have to show up at work.

This week, I cried at the grocery store because the lobsters waiting to be made into a meal were so pitiful. One of my team berated herself viciously for a small, forgivable lapse. We watch as the team pushes to hit deadlines, emails increase, tension fray. We were already overwhelmed… and the gratitude and thankfulness we started with in March are worn thin.

What’s the answer?

It’s the only answer that ever existed. In the dark, on the river bank, don’t give up.

But also, don’t just let the world pour fear into you. Ask yourself “is this true?”

The media says our democracy is about to crumble. Is that true? Really? Or do you just need to make sure you vote?

Our climate is threatened. We’re all going to fry by 2050. True? Who knows. But you can pretty easily switch your electricity supplier to 100% renewable. Lock in a one year rate, fall back to your current one if you don’t like it.

There’s more email than ever at work and you can’t keep up. So what? You might miss something? So what?

You’re starting work at the crack of dawn, stopping to home school the kids, going back to work in the afternoon, and making up time in the middle of the night and that’s the only option you can find. You’re exhausted and scared. What are you making this mean? How does that make you feel? How do you behave when you feel like that? Is that pattern serving you? What else could you make it mean and how would that feel?

Look, we’re all going to feel overwhelmed and fearful. Self-coaching is the way out of that. We can’t change the facts of our lives, we are still one flood, one tornado, one bad break away from real trouble. It was like that last year, the year before and all the way back to the beginning of time. You still have emails to handle. You have children to care for.

Here’s what you can control – the way you think about your situation. My job as a coach is not to talk you into believing things that aren’t true. My job is to help you see what’s going on in your head and how that’s impacting your world. But you can do it yourself.

Here’s how:

Give yourself five minutes at the start of the workday. Write out everything that comes to your mind on a piece of paper. Underline the hard facts, provable in a court of law. Everything else is in your control. Pick one of the controllable sentences. Doesn’t matter which one. Write it on the back of your paper. This sentence is a thought you had. Say it to yourself. How do you feel?

Write down the situation the thought is about. Make it fact. Refine it until it’s so bland that you have no emotional reaction to it. That’s your circumstance.

Read the circumstance. Read the thought. How do you feel? Imagine how you behave when you feel that way. Is that what you want to do?

Now, write down five other thoughts you can have about that fact. Try them on for feelings and actions.

Go through this, don’t just read it. Really try it out. Here’s what you learn – you can’t change the world, but you have a ton of control over how you show up in it. And when you do that, your actions change. And Actions are what drive the results we get for all of us.

Turns out, if you control how you show up – you might just change the world after all.

And that? Is just good to know.

If you want help with this, sign up for a free 25 minute session. Helping you is my way of showing up without fear. Let’s find your way.

Take your damn vacation already. If you’re employed and they’ve given you vacation time, take it. Believe me, the people who don’t have paid time off would be happy to have yours.

Now, how you prepare to go on vacation is up to you. Worrying for a full week about the work you won’t be doing, and the amount of emails that will be in your inbox when you get back, is one way to do it. Logging in continuously and then feeling sorry for yourself about having to do so, while blaming your company, boss, current housing situation or the guy next door is another way. Last but not least, go out on vacation and then overwork yourself trying to do two weeks of work in a week. That’s fun, too.

This year, try something new. The Friday of the week before you go out, block out an hour on your calendar. Turn off all notifications, sit for ten minutes and list out everything you need to have in order to actually leave on time, come back and know that other than your inbox, everything is under control. Write it all down. When you run out of thoughts, ask your brain for five more. Do that a couple of times. You’ll know you’re at the end when your brain starts handing you drivel.

Now, take that list and label the items A (must be done before I go) B(Must be done but could wait until I’m back) and C (Get real, I could go my whole life without doing this).

Label all the A’s by priority – A1, A2 etc.

Now, look at your calendar for the following week, the week prior to vacation. Put in your lunch hour. Put in your email time. Put in a couple spots for last minute meetings and put in a spot every day for the unplanned.

Go to the week of vacation. Delegate or decline everything you can. Reschedule what you absolutely can’t delegate or decline.

Go to the week after vacation. Look at what’s scheduled. Is there anything you’ll need to do before you go out to get ready for that? Write it on your list, mark it A,B,C and give it a priority if it’s an A.

Now, go back to the week before you go out. Add in everything, starting with A1, until you run out of time. Don’t overcommit. You’re not going to work sixteen hours a day to do this. DEAL with the reality of the time you have available.

This is going to happen anyway, so don’t lie to yourself. You could ignore this reality, but when the actual 24 hours comes around, you’re going to work on something, and the day will end no matter what. Wouldn’t you rather be doing the most important things?

We can’t escape the reality of the 24 hour day. Period.

Really work during this hour. lay it all out, get it as close to perfect as possible.

Follow your plan for one week. Then go on vacation, stay-cation whatever.

Here comes the critical part – honor your commitment to yourself. Turn off work, look around and remember what you love about not being at work. Really make this time as vibrant and wonderful as you can. Have a vacation if it kills you.

When you get back, do not let yourself fall into the mindset of overwhelm. Remind yourself that you have all the time you need to do the most important things.

Your colleagues are capable. The company can survive without you and that’s not a bad thing.

Sort your inbox by name. Delete all the emails “from” people or systems that you don’t need to answer.

Sort your inbox by subject. Keep only the top email. If they split the chain and kept the same subject, and they needed your input, they’ll reach out.

Now, plan your week the same way you did before you left and move on.

And that?

Is how you go out, come back, and stay even.

I have been doing a shit ton of thinking, and just in case you didn’t know, that’s way more than a metric ton. You probably have too.  I hope you’ve spent a day with the TV off at least once. I hope you’ve seen a friend, even if it’s on Zoom. I hope you have a life coach.

Thank you

I’ll start with the thank you.  I want to thank my client, who began our recent coaching call, telling me she’d been thinking about me and asked how I was.  If you think I’m writing directly to you, my friend, with your amazing smile, I am.  Your grace and concern for me meant the world, especially considering all that you have on your plate right now.  Thank you – One Million Times –  for demonstrating the absolute best response to any situation. 

               “I’ve been thinking of you.  How are you doing?”

 In any conversation, the normal ones, the difficult ones, or the awkward ones, starting with words that say “I see you as a person and I care how you are” is the most honest and most welcome thing anyone can say.  So, if there’s someone that you work with or care about, and they don’t share all your life experiences, maybe you disagree on one or two ideas, and you’re unsure on how to begin, try this:

               “I’ve been thinking of you. How are you doing?”

Truth #1

The only place where we can deal with the human condition– is now.

After having to make an utterly unwinnable decision about the life of my dog – I’ve been thinking about death.  I have a client with anxiety about death.  I told her that I start my morning meditation acknowledging that all the work I do today, will be required again tomorrow. Oh, and none of us escape death.  You get it. We all get it, but sometimes the world around us just makes that fact more crystalline. More cutting. More devastating.  One morning I found myself asking – how? How does anyone do it?  How do we live knowing this?  

The answer my brain gave me was immediate.  Now. We live now, the only place we can live.  When we are now, right now, we meet the world where it is.  

Truth #2

There is only one way to deal with any issue – you must do it as who you are today.

I hope you have a life coach.  I do.  I get coached regularly, and I also get randomized coaching – I sign up, and any coach available, shows up on the other end of the Zoom line.  Both my random coach and my on-the-regular coach told me the same thing as I did my own work on racism, politics, and police.   They told me to stop. They picked and prodded.  They kept bringing me back to my body, my feelings, not letting me escape into vague solutions or diversions. They wanted specific situations, concrete examples, actual feelings.  I had to sit in my own soup.   Not fun. Not what I ever want to do on my own.  So much better with a coach.   

They both insisted that I stay where I am, not changing, not going anywhere.  They both told me there wasn’t a timetable.   There is no specific date when this latest self-project is due, nowhere to go.  It’s always right now; I’m always me.  One black coach, one white coach. Both letting me see that I’m OK right now, and I’m not going anywhere without bringing myself along.

Whether I’m trying to understand how I got to June without getting the right things done at work, or I’m trying to deal with my fears for my son or my frustration at being back here again as a country – If I’m running from my feelings, hiding from the truth of my current thoughts, beliefs, and emotions, I can’t get to the next, maybe better, version of me. I can’t deal with any issue as an imaginary, somehow better, version of myself. I only have who I am now. 

Why do these two ideas matter?

There is only one place from which you can deal with the organized chaos that is work or the ferocious change that is life.  You must handle them both from the here and now, as the person you are today.   Marginalizing your feelings, distracting yourself, and being unwilling to sit in your soup, sends your brain off dreaming about the future or ruminating on the past. 

So what?

So, you are missing your chance to act, to observe, to experience work and life – as it is now.  

Emotions are a giant doorway into the now. 

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Treat them as objects – things to be handled, cradled in your lap, held up to the light – known.

At work, and in life, the more you can bring yourself back, again and again, to the specific feelings you’re having, the more you can stop trying to become a different person and just accept the person you are. 

Having a coach lets you be you – out loud and unjudged, honestly, imperfectly.  With a good coach, you find nothing but compassion and acceptance.  He shows you that you can be accepted as you are. 

Accepting yourself,  you can relax and start to be curious about this person you are. 

That softening of judgment, that’s the opening. As you stay here, with the opening, the opening starts to change around you. For me, it’s like relaxing. I stop feeling like someone or something is trying to impose expectations on me. If I’m OK as I am, then there’s no reason to resist change. There’s a new perspective, naturally arising in the moment. From that new now, a new me breathes in.

And that? Is how you move forward.

The divine in me, sees the divine in you.

This week – no blog. Just a prayer that we come to a place of moderation, where we reject extremism and sweeping generalizations about race, gender, jobs, roles and issues.

We are so much better than this.

Understanding how you view yourself is all about building awareness.  From there, you can start to modify who you believe yourself to be. And that? Is wickedly powerful.

So, on Sunday, I walked my dog. I stayed to wooded areas and then walked around a closed college campus.  On Friday, I went to the grocery store.  I wore cloth face mask, I used sanitizer before I touched the cart (to protect others) and after I returned the cart (to protect myself).   When I got home, I put the groceries on a table in the garage, I put most of the perishables directly into our chest freezer (also in the garage.)  I wiped down the milk jugs and the pack of chicken legs with disinfecting wipes and left them to dry for 4 minutes per package instructions.  I took off my shoes, went into the house, directly to the washing machine area, put my mask and all my clothes in the washer. I washed my hands for twenty seconds.  Then I put on a bath robe and went directly to take a shower.  The dirty robe went into the hamper, a new robe was used when I got out of the shower, and everything was washed.   I went out and retrieved the milk and meat, and left the rest to sit in the garage until the next day.

You could pretty much predict that I would behave like this if you knew what my internals beliefs are.  I believe that I’m a smart person, who mitigates as much risk as reasonable but doesn’t bow to fear.  So, I would definitely go shopping, and would definitely read up on how to protect myself and my family and would definitely follow through.    Basically, exactly the behavior I noted above.

Why does this matter? Our beliefs are one of the last bastions of unquestioned internal territory. 

A lot of our beliefs about who we are come from external clues we pick up early in life.  We confirm these beliefs via our preference for information that aligns with what we already think.

So what’s the upshot?

If you believe that what you believe about yourself is true and unchangeable, you’re stuck with your current behavior.

Notice the double belief there?  First you have to believe that belief itself is malleable.  You have to be willing to consider that what you understand to be true and unchanging about yourself might actually be flexible.

If you can get that far, the next step is to uncover your beliefs and question them… ask if they are working for you or against you. 

Why bother with all this? 

First of all, this is part of the tool of awareness.  If you aren’t aware that your beliefs are actually driving your behavior, you’ve got whole swaths of your life that feel beyond your control. 

Using my pandemic example – a person could look at my behavior and then presume that my behavior indicates that I’m a cautious person with a need for groceries.  That person would probably not predict that I’m also out walking my dog a lot.  If we see our actions as evidence of who we are, we’re kinda stuck.  Our actions seem mysterious and some of what we do is unpredictable.

• It’s hard to understand why a woman as cautious and obviously afraid as the woman I appear to be is also willing to be out walking her dog & willing to show up a her day job when needed.

If you start from my belief – you can understand that belief causes me have thoughts like these:

 “I’m not cowering in my house for anybody or anything.” (I don’t bow to fear.)

“Smart people research, question and never stop learning.” (I’m smart.)

“I’ve researched and I’m reasonably sure that I understand how the virus works basically; I’ll act accordingly but I won’t panic.”  (I mitigate as much risk as is reasonable.)

From those thoughts, driven by the underlying beliefs, you can guess I feel – determined, confident, analytical.   Which is exactly how I feel. Knowing that, it’s easy to predict my current behavior.  I shop once a week, I don’t stock pile more than two weeks and I’m willing to go into the office when needed, with precautions.  

Suddenly my actions are easier to understand. Nothing is random or confusing.  I’m behaving in line with my beliefs.

At work, I believe I’m a good communicator.  I think I’m mildly entertaining, good humored and smart. I really believe that shit.  

However, the fact that I believe all that doesn’t make it true.  Just like thinking I’m smart in a pandemic doesn’t make it true.   

If I don’t question my beliefs, I could be in for some serious surprises.  I might be over-confident in my communication skills, my intelligence or I might do something really stupid because of my belief that I don’t bow to fear.

The key here is to understand that your beliefs about yourself are totally up for grabs.  Even positive beliefs (I’m smart, I’m a good communicator) can generate road blocks or mistakes.  If you don’t see that belief drives thinking, and thinking pretty much causes a cascade of feelings, actions and consequences, your own behaviors can seem uncontrollable.

Trust me, that is never the case. 

We aren’t bundles of mysterious actions driven by deep-seated, unchangeable characteristics.

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We’re people who have built up belief systems and those beliefs are always free to be changed.

Beliefs make decision making and taking action more efficient.  I believe we’re in a pandemic.  It’s easier to move forward if I take that as a given and don’t keep coming back to question it.  Imagine if every day I had to search for more evidence that the virus was real?  Formulating plans, and taking next steps would be impossible.  Beliefs are good.  We don’t need to pull them out and reformulate them every day.  

Being aware of our beliefs and bringing them out to review and questioning them periodically, however, is useful. 

I used to believe that I was bad with money.  The predictable results were that I was deeply in debt and living paycheck to paycheck.  That result was predictable, not because thinking I’m bad with money makes that come true.  That’s just silly.  The result was predictable because learning how to manage money takes effort.  If I believe that I learning to manage money is a waste of time because, hey, I’m just naturally rotten with money, then we can predict that I will learn nothing and I’ll do poorly with my personal finances.

Get it?  Thinking I’m bad at money makes me feel hopeless and unmotivated, so I eat cookies and watch TV and never learn to manage money. 

Happily, I uncovered that belief and now? I think being good with money is a learnable skill and I’m pretty good at learning.   The results of that belief have been a lot better to live with.

So what are your beliefs about this pandemic? How do they help you? How do they hurt you?

What are your beliefs about yourself at work?  What belief might you want to change?

No matter what you believe, it’s possible to question and change it.

And that? Is just good to believe.

Covid-19. How are the leaders around you handling it? Like all of you, I’ve been watching the news and seeking out information. How bad is it in our state? What are the new rules? What do I need to do to help the company I work for? What can I do as a life coach to help?

I’ve also been catching too much of the 24-hour cycle, listening and searching for anything new or useful.

Beyond all that, I’ve been attending to my own visceral reaction to the ways people are leading. Life coaching and mindfulness work give me a skill – the skill of being the observer at the same time I’m the participant. Not all the time, naturally. I fall into habit patterns and run my mouth when I ought to take a breather, just like everyone else. Sometimes, though, I am both reacting to information and situations and observing those reactions at the same time. I’m sure you do the same.

Right now, I’m paying close attention to the leaders that are emerging. In times like this, when the unexpected is up against the unimaginable, the leaders among us become visible.

“I am reminded how hollow the label of leadership sometimes is and how heroic followership can be.”
— Warren Bennis

Right now, we can see where there are gaps in leadership, where there are urgent needs, and where hard choices are being made. There are people stepping in to solve problems, to make decisions and to coordinate action and we can clearly see who our leaders are.

“All of the great leaders have had one characteristic in common: it was the willingness to confront unequivocally the major anxiety of their people in their time. This, and not much else, is the essence of leadership.”
— John Kenneth Galbraith

Right now is our time to act and our time to learn. Here are a few of my observations –

• It doesn’t much matter what your role is. Far more important is that you understand your role. The people with a clear understanding of the function of their position and the demands they need to meet are the people we’re cheering for. Anybody standing up and clearly stating the priorities, the strategies and the tasks that will accomplish objectives is looking like a superhero right now. That’s pretty interesting isn’t it? That means that each of us has that opportunity to be clear, direct and on target, working for the most critical and impactful outcomes at this moment in history.
• It’s crazy important to communicate – early and often. Humans are extremely resilient and flexible. So it’s interesting to notice that leaders who established a predictable pattern of communication early on, earned trust, even when they have to correct or recommunicate information. Turns out, if people believe you are committed to keeping them informed you earn trust. If you have trust, then you have leeway, you have a partnership.
• Facts, man. Facts. Compare communications from officials in which there are no facts to those where the communicator provides facts. Notice your reaction. For me, when the speaker can’t pull a single fact out to share, their message loses meaning for me.
• Clear priorities. Notice the leaders who indicate clearly what the priorities are. Notice your reaction to them. I find myself buying into that commitment and far more willing to go along with their suggestions. For instance, staying home and learning to play the fiddle when I’m pretty sure I’m about to miss out on my last chance to buy a ring-ding.
• Meaningful steps clearly laid out to achieve a meaningful goal. Do you want to save health care workers? I’m in. Is step one washing my hands? I’m in. Is step two donating money to hospitals? Done. Is step three sewing masks? Google and sewing machine, done.

Yeah. So what?

Notice something here. Having priorities, knowing the steps needed to take, having a clear understanding of your job function, communicating regularly and double-checking your facts – are all things you can do.

Yeah. You.

This list is just what I’m noticing. Leadership is one of those things, like art – you know it when you see it. That means that what resonates with me, won’t be perfectly aligned with how you define leadership. Doesn’t matter.

Here’s what matters – leadership, at a time like this is critical. Step on up. Lead yourself. Lead others. Bring everything you’ve got to the game and go all in. Now more than ever we need you to lead on.

And that? Is just good to do.

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