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Get Strong

Think this is the soft stuff? Think again.

If there’s one thing I wish for you at Christmas, it’s compassion. Yeah, I know you wanted to master Ruby on Rails or get that full-stack gaming developer position outside Portland, but hey, anybody can have that. This compassion thing is way, way cooler.

Not buying it? I get it. Concrete skills are marketable, way fun, and useful. Compassion is the soft stuff, the fluff. It doesn’t pay the bills and it doesn’t get you true creds.

Still, if there’s one thing I wish for you at Hanukkah, Kwanza, or Winter Solstice, it’s compassion. If there’s room for one more gift, I wish you generosity – generosity of spirit, of wallet, of time.

With those two skills, compassion and generosity, your life will never lack meaning or joy. I’m pretty sure you can’t say that about any coding language or new technology.

And yes, I do mean skills, because as any monk will tell you, both of these grow with practice.

I would love to help you experience the power of creating these in your life. You can sign up for free 25-minute session here… Free Session. No strings, no hard sell. At the end, I’ll ask you if you’re interested in signing up with me. You say yes or no. That’s it. No sweat.

Compassion is our innate ability to recognize suffering in others and the desire to help. Generosity is freely and frequently giving to others. To learn more about how compassion increases physical well being, check out this article. Basically, generosity gives us greater pleasure in life, compassion gives us less inflammation and longevity. Cool beans.

That urge to quell suffering isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s not the soft stuff. No way. Compassion requires nerves of steel. That strength can yield big results at work.

In Fearless at Work, Micheal Carroll talks about viewing other people’s aggression as something separate from the individual. Rather than reacting to insults and threats, we can look through those behaviors and see the intent behind the behavior. Carroll isn’t advising this so that we can stay on the good side of a bully. He recommends taking the compassionate view so you can skillfully decide whether to “lend a hand, get out of the way, or end the confusion altogether.”

At work, this looks like keeping our cool when others are upset. It’s understanding and having sympathy for, the underlying situations and motivations that cause other people to lash out, to reply quickly and thoughtlessly, or to miscommunicate. Compassion is also holding people accountable, fairly, and thoughtfully, not allowing them to continue down a fruitless path. Compassion is the motivator for stepping back and shutting up when you have nothing to add. It’s the reason we step forward and speak up for the right things even when we’re scared. We do these difficult and sometimes frightening things because we see the suffering not doing so causes and we want to help.

That takes some serious mojo. Compassion is the only house big enough for that.

Compassion doesn’t just make us better work partners. It reduces our stress. Every minute we spend thinking about those around us, trying to lend a hand, is one less minute we focus on our own trials and tribulations. There is a world of suffering, an endless opportunity to help others and forget our own worries. Generosity of time shows us that we aren’t overwhelmed after all. Generosity of wallet proves that what we have is enough. Generosity of spirit gives others credit, support, and encouragement and in turn, we feel uplifted.

It’s almost impossible to help someone at your own expense. Every attempt just winds up back at your own feet, paying dividends that outstrip what you gave—everything you give boomerangs back.

In the biggest payback of all time, the more you practice compassion for others, the easier it is to have compassion for yourself. If you want more on that subject, click through and check out my blog – Mastering the Art of Self Compassion.

I hope you look back at this year and find achievements. I hope if you lost loved ones, your memories bring you more sweet nostalgia than tears. If you lost your job, or your business, I wish you a long list of strengths and skills, and the resilience to keep trying, to never give up. I wish you support and a hand up. I wish you friends, family, wildlife, and pets.

More than any of that, I wish you compassion.

And that? Is just the best I have to offer.

Namaste.

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Review This.

If self-reviews make you want to jump out a window shouting “Review This!”, you might want to approach them from a fresh perspective. My advice? Stop thinking about your boss.
Prefer to listen? Click the play button.

So, I, like, ran a search on self-reviews. My first hit told me that self-reviews make employees feel more engaged. Well. My team is pretty engaged in wishing that they didn’t have to do them, worrying about when they’ll find the time and fretting over figuring out what to put in which box on the form.

I filed that article under W for wackadoodle.

I don’t know about you, but for me, self-reviews feel like pure, unadulterated torture. I often start my work session by penning my resignation letter. Dear Boss – I’d rather quit than relive this year. Goodbye.

If we were only talking about 2020, you might understand this attitude. But I feel like that every year and I love my job.

So what’s going on?

The self-review hits so many triggers, it’s hard to know where to start. The fear of being judged, which is tied to the primal fear of being tossed out of the tribe is just the most obvious one. There’s the taboo against self-promoting behavior, also tied to the loss of tribe anxiety. Then there’s the fear of failure, of not having done the things on the list that was given to you at the start of the year. Fear of exposure – the fear of others realizing that you don’t actually know what those goals meant, where you fit into them, or how you did. Fear of losing something – status or money – based on your answers.

Once you’ve kicked your fears to the curb, there are expectations to deal with. Am I making the most of this opportunity to document my strengths? Is this going to affect my performance ranking? My raise? Does my family depend on me getting this right? Good God, Man! Why didn’t I start this a year ago? Beyond that, the resentment – I told them all of this last year and it got me no-where. Eventually, we get down to the sneaking suspicion that none of this actually means anything.

Finally, you’ve arrived at the truth.

Because if you’re in fear, expecting some huge result or bent out of shape by the futility of it all, your self-review will be meaningless.

Why?

Because the person the review has the biggest impact on – is you.

I’d like to offer this twist of logic. What if you approached your review as if you were writing it for yourself? I contend that you’re doing just that.

Your company is paying you to take a moment to self reflect. To look back on your work year and jot down some of the highlights. Things that you did well, that you enjoyed, that you’re proud of. Some of that stuff happened for all of us. Even if our biggest project imploded, there’s still something in there that went right. There’s still something you learned. So jot that down too.

Be specific. Isn’t that the basic Review 101 advice? It’s good to do not because you have to have exact percentages in order to bolster the case for your existence on the planet, but because we get better insights when we have precision of thought. Coaches understand that for clients to get insights, they need to pick a single situation and analyze what actually happened. It’s the same for self-reflection in business too.

Talk about what you did instead. Let’s face it. We all knew that a never before seen virus was due to arrive in 2020 and we set our company goals accordingly. Right? No! Even if there wasn’t pandemic, our business goals wouldn’t have been perfection anyway. You had goals, you hit some and you missed some. Talk about what you did.

Deliver the information in light of what you want.

You signed up for your current job. Why? What do you actually like to do? What do you want to do more of? This is your chance to highlight the things you’re best at, which are probably the things you like best. It’s a chance to remind yourself what you want out of work.

Look, you’ve met your boss, right?

So trust me, your manager knows you.

Your self-review isn’t a blind date. You don’t have to impress your boss with it. You already did the best you could at that for the last 52 weeks.

Your self-review is a chance to remind yourself that you actually did a hella-lot this year. It’s a chance to lay out what the heck you want out of work and let your manager in on the secret.

So relax. Get a cup of joe and enjoy doing a little self-reflection.

After all – it’s your review.

And that? Is just good to remember.

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Resilience and Emotions

Does a day at work leave you with the lyrics of The Animals biggest hit running through your mind? There’s a way outta that place.
Would you rather listen? Click the play button and I’ll read it to you. Enjoy!

Hello, world! Did you miss me? I took a two-week vacation from this blog because I needed a reset. I’m guessing that you probably do too.

There’s a certain rhythm to the work year, and right about now, we’ve had it. You’ve got projects you’re trying to shove through the door, reviews, holidays, and it’s all a hella-lot.

When clients in burn-out come to me, one of the first things we work on is remembering to stop. Last month, I stopped blogging on the weekends. The two-week delay is the result of me figuring out how to do this thing during the week.

What’s that? Bully for me? I hear ya. Stopping is great but our jobs often demand that we push on, do the long shifts, keep working through to deliver. That’s fine. That’s the nature of a lot of professional positions. Sometimes, we can’t “just stop”.

At some point, the weight of that relentless grind starts to take a toll on us.

That’s when we need a Big Reset.

A Big Reset is a way to get us back on the upside of our working life even when we can’t change our situation.

To accomplish a Big Reset, you’ll need two things – emotional awareness and a time affluent mindset.

Time affluence is the idea that you have all the time you need to do the things that bring meaning to your life, sufficient time to reflect, and time for leisure activities. When you have a time affluent mindset, you have a sense of time as valuable, and you’re less likely to spend time on unsatisfying activities. You’re also more willing to trade money for time, as in hiring someone else to shovel that driveway, mow that lawn, pick out your groceries, etc.

When you putting in serious hours at work, it’s pretty hard to feel time affluent. If your November was like mine, getting an eight hour night was a treat. It was get up and back on Zoom after that.

If you nodded your head, then I have a big NCIS slap to the head for you. That right there, is part of the problem. Turns out, when you tell yourself that you have no time, you’re already on the no-fun side of life.

To reset your perception of the time available to you try this – tell yourself that you have all the time you need for what matters most. For me, the mantra can trigger a calming response.

Another tactic is to do a true calculation. That’s what I did last week. A 24-hour day minus 8 hours to sleep leaves me with 16 hours. Even if I’m working twelve-hour days, I still have four hours. I sure as heck didn’t feel like I had four free hours a day. That sent me off looking at how I was spending those four hours. Turns out I was shredding them.

In Ashley Whillans’ new book ‘Time Smart’, she talks about the way our technology and distractions – emails, a quick google search, something on TV that catches our attention, a text from a friend, a quick phone call – fragment our leisure time into “confetti”.

To have a sense of more time, find ways to stop shredding your free time. A full hour spent doing a specific activity, without allowing yourself to be diverted is a sure fire way to act and feel more time affluent.

Another tactic to bring time affluence back into your world is to savor. Yes, savor. This morning, I had only one hour before I needed to start work. Normally, I get up three or four hours before my day job starts, but this week I’ve been working late. So, in that one hour, I changed my mindset. I still pulled on sweats and took the dog out for a much-shortened constitutional but while I was out there, I savored the feeling of the air on my face. I really looked at the bird feeders, noticed the birds waiting in the trees while I refilled their seeds. I smelled the air. I called my dog and when she came bounding over to me, I spent time with her. Not much, but I still threw her a party for coming when she was called. I doled out a couple of treats from my pocket, I praised her until she put her ears flat and ran in tight circles of canine joy, then we played a two minute game of tug. I made the most out of my ten minutes outside.

During a Big Reset – pay attention – decide to have a full hour break. Pay attention… enjoy what you do have – the soft rug under your feet, the brief minutes outside, the perfect English muffin you had for breakfast, and the achievements you and those around you deliver.

You’ll also need to expand your emotional vocabulary. I noticed an amazing I feeling that I really enjoy. It happens when I have a few things in a row to do, I know how to do them, I know what is needed to be done, and I’m so fully engaged that I’m firing on all cylinders. I gave this feeling a name – All Cylinders Firing. I love when I feel All Cylinders Firing. When I’m cooking, All Cylinders are Firing when I’m washing up pots and pans as the food is cooking, I’m putting away dishes while the microwave is going, I have my plate ready before the timer rings… I’m using every motion, fully engaged, and creating exactly what I want… a perfect egg sandwich and a clean kitchen. At work, this looks like firing off that email, keeping up the the important stuff, fitting work into the time allowed, with a slight smile and flying fingers.

Now I’m not saying you need to race around like a nut. The point isn’t for you to feel All Cylinders Firing. The point is … notice when you feel happy. Even on your busy days, even during the long grinds. What is it you actually are enjoying? The comradery of puzzle-solving? Do you just feel so grateful for the co-workers who are busting their butts with you? Do you love the feeling of putting up your feet on the couch while you clear out that in box? Notice these situations. Then find a more specific way to describe them than – good, happy, fun. Really notice, really define those moments. Without changing anything about your job, or the amount of time you have, you can figure out how to have more of the “I’m working but I love it anyway” moments, more of the “this is what I’m like when it’s good” feelings.

If you would like help doing a Big Reset – you can sign up for a free session with me – here.

We can’t change the situations we find ourselves in today. We can jumpstart a Big Reset by being time affluent – being upfront with how much time we do have, refusing to shred our time, and savoring the experiences available now. That Big Restart also includes noticing the moments that we enjoy even during the bustle of December and being hyper-precise with the naming of our experience so that we can find ways to add more of it into our days.

December can be a jam packed month. You might be working long hours.

You can still have a Big Reset.

And that? Is just good to know.

Do you subscribe to Eric Barker’s newsletter? You really should. He’s got a great one. My plan for this year tells me that the first Monday in December is “The Big Reset – How to notice and copy a feeling.” Ironically, Eric’s latest blog is a perfect dovetail. You can catch his blog here.

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Redux

Sometimes, you have to learn the same lessons over…. and over…. and over.

I made a mistake at work. It went on my permanent record. It happened because there was a tiger in my office.

Or at least, my brain thought there was a tiger. What really happened is that I misunderstood something. I thought our team needed to do one thing, but in truth, we were supposed to do something else. But that’s not what caused the trouble for me.

Trouble came when I let myself believe and behave as if that mistake was as dangerous to me as a tiger.

Our brains don’t differentiate between a tiger that can kill us and a social faux pas that could get us tossed off our social island. For most of our history, the two things amounted to the same result. Death.

So when I goofed up, I got scared. I treated a paper tiger as if it were a real tiger and overreacted. Not good. I got called out on my actions. Deserved.

When at work, I remind myself – these issues are paper tigers. They can’t kill me, but jumping out a window to escape them, just might.

I wrote that lesson down years ago. This week I was in a meeting and someone IM’d me “Paper Tigers!”

This weekend I reflected on Lesson 15 – Don’t Hide It & Lesson 25 – Paper Tigers.

I felt my blood pressure come down, I talked for hours to people I love about things that have nothing to do with tigers or policies.

I remembered that each of us is capable, resilient and that we have everything we need here and now, in this one minute we’re inhabiting.

I wish you all good fortune and prosperity. I wish you a pair of scissors. I wish you the tools you need to discern a paper tiger from the real thing.

And That? Is All I’ve Got For You Today.

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Come together?

Come together. Sometimes, those are hard words to choke down.

How are you today? It’s been an emotional weekend for all of us. Back in December of 2019, when I laid out the plan for this year’s blogs, I knew this Monday was going to be tough on a lot of us, tough on half of us. I knew I’d be blogging after a tense election, but I sure never imagined the scale of the emotions and the whole sorry mish-mash that was 2020.

So how are you today?

If you are one of my fellow Americans, I feel ya.

We are entering a new phase of the election cycle.

Those of us on the upside of this bare-knuckle fist-fight of an election aren’t off the hook. We don’t get to gloat. We don’t get to wag fingers and act like children. There is one truth that we all know: this government, by design, doesn’t allow any party to have its own way, all the time. So it behooves us to swing the door wide and to make it easy for everyone to shoulder their way back to the table.

Those of us who voted for the candidate that lost are struggling to get our minds around that. I have been on the losing end of many of these. I voted for Ross Pierrot. I voted for a lot of other guys who lost. After an election during which I backed runner up, there’s always that sense that something just went wrong. There’s the sense that we just need to check a few more things, that surely, this isn’t the way it ends.

It’s really hard to swallow. And then… out walks the other guy and all his followers and they’re saying stuff like “put aside your differences, work across the aisle.” They say – “It’s time to come together.”

Ouch. It really stings. It’s like ripping off a band-aid, like not getting the job, like not bringing the project over the finish line on time. You’re not healed yet, you want one more try, but it’s over. It feels unfinished and unrealistic. Maybe you recount all the ballots in Florida. Maybe you recount Michigan. You’re the one still sitting at the table, trying to see if the deck had fifty-two cards in it.

I’ve sat in my chair, arms folded, aggravated and disappointed, and listened to many politicians ask me to put aside my differences.

I didn’t want to.

I still had my own mind. There are 70 million Americans out there who still have their own minds today. The election didn’t change that, and that’s OK.

Come together.

Come together is the thing that we do in America which is as unique and rare as a planet with water, oxygen, and carbon life forms. Come together is the thing that sets us apart.

Come together is America showing the world how it’s done. We don’t take to the streets with guns. We don’t divide our nation into warring factions. We don’t behave like there’s no due process.

It doesn’t mean we’re all singing around a campfire, but it does mean that we respect our system of government and we believe in the dream that is America.

We use the systems handed down to us by our founding fathers – a group of mismatched, imperfect, and fallible individuals. Those imperfect beings managed by some miracle to be greater than the sum of their parts. They created this wacky and brilliant electoral college. They created three branches of government. They ceded the power of elections to the states so that no one group could ever rig an election. They penned the constitution. They? Were magic.

Turns out it wasn’t a one shot deal.

Together, we are always greater than each of us alone.

So this is it.

There’s the election – the bare facts of what happened; the situation we find ourselves in.

And there are your thoughts about the election.

These are not the same thing.

The election happened. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It just is.

There are dozens of thoughts you can have about it.

You get to pick some out, find one that helps. When I’m on the dust-kickin’, downtrodden side of the game, I like to think “Well, it’s just four years and they can’t wreck the whole thing in four years.”

That’s the beauty of our country. Because no matter who sits in the people’s house, they can’t wreck the whole thing in four years. It’s never happened. They can’t even wreck it in eight years. It’s a belief that we take on faith. Sometimes, it’s just a prayer.

If we think our democracy is in trouble, we’ll act like it is – and then? Well, it really will be.

If we believe that due process, checks and balances, and the resiliency of the country as a whole will prevail, we’ll act like we have rational options and faith in the future. And then? All those things will continue to be true.

If we believe our opponents are less than us, less honorable, less intelligent, less “right”, then we won’t honor them, and we will be dishonorable, we won’t consult them and we will miss what they have to contribute. We’ll act as if we’re always right, and that’s never right.

If we believe that we can not, should not and must not be divided, then we will create unity.

So this is it.

The situation is – we had a big election.

We get to decide what that means.

And that? Is it.

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Turn On Your Cameras

If you thought public speaking was terrible in 2019, try it now.

Apparently, there were a lot of people on the video call, but I couldn’t tell.  The little bar across the top showed a series of grey boxes with pairs of letters in them.  There were only three people I could see.   The whole thing was freakin’ me out.

I’d spent days preparing for the presentation.   I’d practiced over and over.  The problem was, my talk felt identical to the version I’d done by myself, except now I was expecting feedback.   There wasn’t going to be any.  I was swimming alone.

Now, I’m not sayin’ it was a bad experience. I had a great time. I hope I helped someone. I’m just surprised at how much I wanted feedback. When I was in the office every day and I had a chance to give a presentation like this, feedback wasn’t a big deal. Now that I’m basically isolated in my house for days at a time? A whole new ball game right there.

My brother had mentioned this facet of our new normal to me during a phone call, but I’d not really understood.  He said performing live music on Facebook wasn’t the same.   

“Uh-huh,” I said.  I flipped a page in a catalog.

“There’s no relationship with the audience,” he said.  He sounded bummed.

“Huh,”  I offered, opening a cabinet.  Were there any crackers in the house?

“It’s better than nothing,” he finished. “But it’s not the same.  There’s no feedback.”

I shook a box of Triscuits.  It was suspiciously light. “What?” I asked.

People need interaction with people.   We need feedback when we’re sharing information, taking risks, putting our art, or our ideas out there.   When we feel vulnerable, a friendly face means everything.  A smile, a gesture, heck, just knowing that anyone is paying attention is absolute gold right now.

When we first left the office and went home, I knew how much communication from leadership meant to me.  I was craving it.  So I decided to dress every day for work, to show up on camera, to have a daily team meeting so that everyone could see that our team hadn’t changed.  I wanted to be reliable, available.

Each day, we all get on the call for fifteen minutes, turn on our cameras, and see each other.  During the summer, our team started to see these daily meetings as inconvenient.  Several people wanted to stop them.  Last month, after seven months of holding firm, I asked if they wanted to change the schedule.  Nobody said yes.  Why? Who knows.  For myself, I  know that it matters to me to see my teammates.  I started out doing it for them.  Now, I’m grateful they do it for me.

So people – turn on your cameras. It’s not about you.  You might have no make-up on, maybe that ombre hair color is really four inches of gray roots, or you’ve found that a man-bun is working out for you at home.  You lost your zoom shirt. You’re working in the laundry room. 

It doesn’t matter. 

We’re not turning on our cameras so that the world can see us stylin’ seven months into a pandemic.  We’re turning on our cameras because someone on the call might be struggling with depression and need to see a friendly face.  We’re rocking the virtual backgrounds and facing our dislike of seeing our sorry-ass faces so that we can show up and give a smile to a person trying to collaborate with us. 

Turn on your camera.

Speak up in meetings.

Send a note afterward.

It’s not about you.

It’s about showing up for each other and not letting friends swim alone.

And that? Is just an easy thing to do.

If you’re suffering from overwhelm and would like to work with me, sign up for a free consultation. Let’s see if I can help. Schedule that here.

If you’re out of work, or working on the front lines and would like to see if coaching helps, it’s my honor to assist you for free. Schedule that here.

Heard about my 6 week course – Reboot your day job? – Find out more here.

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Hold Steady, Adjust the Sails

Holding to your course isn’t about standing still.

I’ve spent a lot of time on sailboats. One thing I learned is that if you want to get to your destination, you have to stay on your compass heading. Holding to your course on a sailboat means watching the changes in the wind, trimming the sails as needed, understanding that boat is always buffeted by currents, guided by the rudder, moved by the engine and the fluctuations of everything around her.

Hold steady is a nice command to hear your captain say. I’ll give all you sailors that. It calls up memories of relaxing, just a bit because nothing huge is changing right now. We know where we are, and we know where we’re going. Hold steady is not a call to correct course, to realize you’ve lost your way, and it’s not a call to sleep at the wheel. Hold steady could be fighting to keep moving, inch by inch, when you’re tacking into the wind – heading just a bit to the left, then weaving just a bit to the right in order to stay on course. It could be heeling way over, the boat tipped so far that everything in the cabin slides, as the ship slices forward, as you brace your feet to keep from tumbling across the cockpit. Staying the course when you’re close in by land means keeping vigilant, watching for hazards. One thing it doesn’t mean is inaction.

Sorry folks. I know it’s been a year of changes and blindsides. I know you’ve had to confront the fear of the unknown, sailing your ship out of sight of land, when all you have to guide to yourself is the memory of the destination you set out for. I know you’ve lost ground, you’ve suffered injuries and loss, found yourself in strange waters. Holding to our course is nothing short of using all our courage and stamina to keep pushing forward.

Last week, I didn’t put out a blog. It was a concious decision. I spent the weekend working on a presentation for my coaching business and I wasn’t willing to overwork. So, I missed delivering my blog. I’m making changes, adjusting for the current conditions. I’m turning off the engine of endurance, which I’ve been using to launch this business, and working with the current conditions.

Another thing I’m changing is the amount and quality of information around politics. During the early days of the pandemic, I wanted the most current information at my fingertips. Now, it’s clear that I’ve done all I can do to adjust to the new way of things and I can focus on holding steady, looking far out ahead and making sure I’m tracking towards my destination. No need to watch for lobster pots and shipping traffic. We’re no longer in the harbor. Now? We’re in the long game. I need less details and more quality. Longer articles and less hype.

If we’re going to keep heading where we want to go, we have to keep adjusting and keep believing that somewhere out over a perfect circle of a horizon, beyond which we can not see, is the port we set out for, the destination we imagine.

All we have to do is stay alert.

All we have to do is adjust to changes as they arise.

All we have to do is stay focused; all we have to do is hold steady.

I’ll meet you at the dock.

And that? Is how we move forward.

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You Are Not Your Project

When you do a great job on your project, you’re good- right?

October is one horrifying month. Yeah, there’s Halloween and we’re closing in on the end of the world as we know it – otherwise known as the US 2020 election – but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about our goals. The stuff we said we’d deliver on. All that stuff that looked so possible & promising in January? We’ve got, like, this month to get it squared away before all of the US workforce takes off on holiday, trying to use up all their postponed vacation time.

You know what I mean. You just can’t count on a full staff for the last two weeks in November and December, even in a good year. You know you can’t count anything in 2020.

So where does that leave you and your goals? A little freaked out, am I right?

Look, yes you need to deliver at work. You need to check out your objectives, figure out where you can squeeze a few more in, and maybe get ready to explain what really happened this year. (Good luck with that. ) For the most part, that should be easy. Get yourself a nice hot cup of coffee, shuffle into your home office, aka, the dining room, and with a calm and relaxed manner, go check the list.

But that’s not what happens for a lot of us. For a lot of us, checking out all the high flung ideas we had ten months ago looks more like restlessly shuffling back to the kitchen wondering if it’s too early to start in on the potato chips, then plunking down in front of the old laptop, flicking through emails, while a familiar unease settles in our gut and we work faster and faster until finally, the day is gone, our eyes can hardly focus and we can knock off for the day – without checking that list.

What the heck is that about?

If you’re like me, that’s about confusing your project with yourself.

I got a great lesson on this topic this week when I tried to vote my mail-in ballot. I sat down, made sure I had a clear table, with no coffee to spill, a perfect black pen and plenty of light. I read the instructions carefully. I voted cautiously, filling in each oval like I was playing a real-life version of mine sweeper. I got the correct paper into the correct envelope, didn’t detach the wrong thing, peeled of the correct thing, sealed it up. One last step. I needed to sign it. I took my pen and started on my given name.

And then my brain kicked in. My signature didn’t look like my signature, did it? I hesitated. Now what should I do? I put pen to paper and finished off my surname. NO! That looked nothing like my signature. I asked my husband. Should I cross it out? No! He insisted it was fine. I put the ballot in the second envelope, sealed it and fretted. We drove our ballots to the drop box, made a production of it, brought the dog. We put them in the slot and then – I was certain that my ballot would be rejected. I had failed to sign my name enough like I sign my name.

This is the most important election of my life. Except, of course, for 2018 , which was pretty gnarly. And 2016, which was super important. And then there was 2000, and the year I drove around with a banner for Michael Dukakis on my truck or the year I voted for Ross Perot. Those seemed important. But this is the most important election ever – and my vote wasn’t going to count.

My consternation grew until I was forced to sit down and coach myself. Here’s what I found – I’m pretty sure the state I live in will go the way it always does. I’m pretty sure our local and state elections are going to go the way they always do. My vote, in the grand scheme isn’t likely to change much.

But my vote matters to me. I want to vote; I always vote. Failing to vote and in such a daffy way as not being able to sign my name – seems to say something about me as a person. Like maybe I’m a fruitcake and not nearly as smart as I think I am. Failing at this simple task called into question a lot of things about myself.

I kept coaching myself – it didn’t take long to realize all my agitation was the result of me confusing my vote – with myself. My vote is a mark on a paper, indicating who I’d like to see in office. It’s not me. It’s not even a symbol of me. Let’s face it – a lot of my life, I haven’t even voted well. Voting is something I do, but if I fail to vote, I’m still a nice woman from Jersey who tries to be kind to people at the grocery store. I’m still me.

The same thing applies at work.

You are not your project. Your project isn’t even a symbol of you.

If you’re good at your project, it means you’re good at your project. It doesn’t mean you’ll be good at the next one. And conversely, if you ball it all up, you can still do well on the next one.

Again, you are not your job performance.

How do I know? Who are you if you don’t have your project? Are you someone else? No. You’re still you. With a different job, still you.

For more on this, check out Lesson 7 on my 30 Lessons page.

Why is it important to keep the idea of who we are separate from the work we do?

Because all that time I was fretting about my ugly signature, here’s what I wasn’t doing – I wasn’t calling the county clerk to see if there was anything to be done. I wasn’t fully focused on the rest of my life and I wasn’t enjoying myself or adding value. When we conflate what we do with who we are, we risk handicapping ourselves with fear. We make it all too much, and we over-react.

All of that drama takes away from actually doing the stuff we wanted to do. All of that, makes our worst thoughts more likely.

October 2020 is hard enough. Don’t make it harder by confusing who you are with what you do.

And that? Is just a better way to finish the year.

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Right Size Your Work

Thinking about the space your job takes up in your life is one way get more control.
Click here to listen to the blog, plus some riffs. Or click the video above to see the VLOG. As always, you can read the blog below.

I talk about space a lot. It confuses my coach. I say – I want more space in my life. I want more space around this task. I’m looking to add space.

“Wait,” she asks. “Are we still talking about work?”

I learned to think about time in terms of containers by reading Julie Morganstern’s book, Time Management from the Inside Out. She’s a professional organizer who translated cleaning out closets into a theory of time management. Now, I think about work in the same way.

Julie asserts that the size of a closet is finite. You get so many cubic feet and that’s it. At some point, you can’t put any more in. I like to add an addendum to that – within the space allowed, you have a finite amount of items you can put into your closet while still allowing enough room around them to keep the closet usable. Usability is flexible. There’s a maximum amount of usability – one item per shelf – and a minimum amount of usability – I can only take out the last thing I shoved in there.

When you get the most amount of items in the closet and can still use them all easily, you’ve right-sized your space. When you hit that, you can maintain order in your space easily for years.

Right-sizing your work is the process of shoving work back into the time allowed, or fluffing it out so that it fills your time nicely. Right-sizing your work is how you build for long-term endurance. Like managing an amazing pantry it’s a balancing act of things you really need and stuff you want to add in – and it’s totally possible.

Why Right-Size?

  1. Make sure you get to do the things that matter to you
  2. Ensure that you deliver peak performance at work, at an advantage to yourself.
  3. Because life is better when you’re not exhausted & missing out 
  4. Because life is better when you’re not beating yourself up for things you didn’t do
  5. To maximize your experience of work and life.

Are we still talking about work? I have a broad definition of work, as you might guess. I love work and so, I don’t groan thinking about adding in more. For me, work is anything you do, on purpose, to accomplish a return on investment.

What is Right-Sizing Work?

We all overwork and underwork in our lives. Some people overwork at their day-job. Some people underwork. Some people have side hustles they overwork. Some underwork at their small business. We invest time in relationships for a return of connection. Are you overworking or underworking that? What about your personal tasks?

When you overwork right-sizing means keeping work small enough to avoid diminishing returns – which occur when you are exhausted and it takes longer to deliver the same result. It also means making work fit inside the time you are willing to exchange for it.

When you underwork right-sizing means keeping work large enough to deliver returns on your investment. If you spend a lot of time worrying about work you aren’t doing, that’s a sign you are underworking. In this case, you want to focus on consuming the time you are willing to invest.

Is all this starting to sound like planning? It’s more than that.

Plan your time like you’re putting items into a closet. The space is finite so you have to choose what can go in.

How to Right Size your Work

  • Create positive boundaries – set cut off times that  allow for real benefits, recognize and celebrate all that you accomplish.
  • Set clear objectives for small blocks of time. Don’t plan to “work on a report”. Instead, plan to “create the first draft of my quarterly budget slide dec”.
  • Be willing to cancel, disappoint people and say no. When you overwork, you’re used to doing this to your friends. Be willing to do this with meetings and favors. When you underwork, you’re used to canceling on your work plans. Be willing to cancel on friends.
  • Have clear priorities. You’ll never get it all done.  At least I hope not.   So the only way to know which results to schedule is to have priorities.  They also help you say no. A lot.
  • Plan daily and weekly at the very least. The weekly planning session is where you face the hard fact about the space you have in your week for the things you want to do. Don’t make this about perfect, make this about learning. Plan your week, then at the end, review your progress. Adjust the next week’s plan. The daily planning session is where you quickly move tasks or time when the world throws you a curve.
  • Be kind to yourself. Always, always – this is the most important thing. It’s not about getting a A in planning, it’s about building a life that’s right for you, in every way.

And that? Is just a beautiful way to live.

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Stick a pin in it.

Think the future is too wide open to plan? Think again.

Everything I needed to know about suggestibility, I learned from the Breck Girl.

Ok before we get to the story… this entire blog is just a plea for you to get out an index card and write down five things you want to get done in the next five years. Then tape that on your computer monitor. Also, if you prefer to listen or watch, check out the links below. Ok, back to the Breck Girl.

The whole blog, with intro & outro, read to you….by me.
Want the white board and a trimmed down version? Here’s the Vlog.

During the 1970s and ’80s, Breck shampoo was a thing. They ran a campaign that featured pastel portraits of women with awesome hair.

My very-much-younger self took a liking to a Breck Girl ad. I tore the pastel portrait out of a magazine and tacked it inside of the door to my closet. Over the next five years, I’d see it every time I opened my closet. If you’ve met a teenage girl, you know I saw that ad – a lot. The Breck Girl had gleaming honey-blonde hair, no bangs, and loose curls.

I didn’t believe I could actually have hair like that – I just liked the picture.

Then one day I took it down. I looked at it. Really looked at it. Holy smokes. I’d turned into the Breck Girl. Yep, that there picture below is me. Best hair day ever.

I was astounded.

Forget the hair, I thought. This is how you get stuff done. You have a very clear image, you look at it a whole lot. You have positive thoughts about it and the next thing you know, you’re asking for hot rollers at Christmas and letting your bangs grow out. The impossible becomes something you move toward, little by little, year after year.

Over the years, I learned some more things… keeping a vision in mind, even if it seems far out of reach, leads to taking action when the opportunity arises.

A decade or so later, I was carrying an entire year’s earning in credit card debt. I was very literally, the working poor. We often had to charge our income tax bill to our credit cards. I worked seventy hours a week for a decade and just got more in debt.

I started to seriously consider the idea of becoming debt-free. It was ludicrous. But it was a pretty darn clear vision. I thought about it often. That’s where opportunity comes in.

For instance, when I was in the library, wondering what I might want to read, the idea of books on getting out of debt sprung to mind. Why? Because I was thinking about being debt-free, on the regular. I read a lot of books on personal finance. A lot.

Another example is when I was bringing in my mail and an offer for a 0% interest balance transfer arrived, I thought – how can I use this to get rid of some debt? I signed up for, and paid off, and canceled, a ton of 0% credit cards.

See what I mean? Having a clear, concise idea about something you want makes you primed for taking opportunities when they arrive.

Writing down goals and paying attention to them, even without a full-blown plan, can have significant positive results in your life. Of course, it’s way more effective with both a plan and an accountability partner. ( See the abstract from Dr. Gail Matthews’ research here.) The point I’m making is that just because you’re not ready for the plan and the weekly action, don’t put off setting up goals.

Look, 2020 won’t last forever. The world is always in a state of change. But the things we want most are pretty darn stable. So look dream a bit. Think about something that you really would like to achieve even if it’s impossible or ridiculous. I mean something that really matters. Let yourself dream a bit.

-How old will you be five years from now?

-What would you like to have accomplished by then?

-Write down four or five things on an index card.

-Put the start and end dates: 10/1/2020 – 10/1/2025

-Tape that card to your computer monitor.

Imagine what it would be like to be in 2025, and have all that. Enjoy the dream.

And just know, some of that is really going to happen. Why? Not because it’s magic.

Because now, you’re going to notice opportunities to move towards those goals.

Just like you notice blue Hondas when you’re thinking about buying a blue Honda, now you’ll notice ways to actually make the impossible, possible.

And that? Is just good to think about.