Finding out what you want in life? Priceless. If you’re in my Reboot Your Day Job Program and you haven’t reached week four yet, skip this blog.
What if I asked you to tell me 25 things you want to have in your life – in the future? Do you think it would be hard to come up with that list? My clients did. In fact, most of them were relieved when I let them stop at 20. Want to know what was on their lists?
First, a bit of back story. I’ve been busting my butt to create a new program – Reboot Your Day Job. It’s six weeks long, and it’s jam-packed with all the bells and whistles. I’ve been taking beta-clients through the program for a couple of months now. The difference with a program is that there’s more structure to the work than the normal one on one coaching. As an unintended side-effect, I’ve had a bunch of clients go through the same exercises and I’ve been able to get some interesting data.
If you would like to go through my new program, you can drop me an email at Amy@RockYourDayJob.com and get on my waitlist. You can also sign up for a free 25-minute session – Here.
In week four,most people are starting to feel better, have more free time and less stress, so it’s a good time to talk about the future life they want to build. I ask clients to list out twenty-five things they want to have in their lives. I’m always cheerfully amazed at how difficult this exercise is for them. I’m also quite impressed with how much of what we want out of life is similar across industries, age, and gender.
Here are the common elements most of us want, in no special order:
Health
Happiness
To do something outside – walk, run, sail, swim, bike, garden
Read more
Spend more time, be connected with, family and friends
Reach life stage milestones – a home, college for kids, retirement
Mental health – have peace, clarity, be guilt free
Have a dog or cat
Go somewhere interesting – travel far or near
Do something interesting – start a side hustle or have a hobby
Engage our spiritual practice – meditate, attend church, etc
Notice anything interesting about this list?
People! You don’t have to wait to do this stuff. You can take action right now to be healthier. You can start building out your personal finance plan to hit goals, right now. You don’t need to be five years older and richer before you can go for a run. All you need in order to spend some time reading for pleasure is a library card and a comfortable chair. Dogs, cats, people find ways to have pets all along the income gradient. Day trips, hobbies, startups… the barriers to entry to these are all low. You can attend church this week or sit right down and meditate.
So why are these on our “someday” lists?
Because we’re not building them in now.
And why is that?
A scarcity mindset about time. Most of us say we don’t have time but what we mean is, sometimes we’re busy. Sometimes we have to cancel things. And when we could be doing something on that list above, we’ve forgotten what the list was. But I want to offer you the idea that telling yourself you don’t have time… isn’t helping. Try this – tell yourself you have plenty of time for everything that makes life worth living and no time for the rest. Now, what do you want to do?
All you have to do to start living your dream is … start.
If your hero’s journey has gone south and you feel like this guy… read on.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.” ― Joseph Campbell
Joseph Campbell wrecked my life.
Nah, not really. But he did mess with my mind. For years, the idea that I should be following my bliss provided me with a certain feeling of discouragement. What did it mean? Was it the same as purpose? If I didn’t have one, did that negate the meaning of what I actually was doing?
What is our bliss? I’m pretty sure Mr. Campbell didn’t mean we should strive to eat donuts and drink whiskey – and certainly not at the same time. All the while I was asking this question of myself, I was studiously ignoring his other point:
“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” ― Joseph Campbell
Whaaa? I’m the answer? This is going to get messy.
Monkeying around… looking out there….
I thought a purpose was something people living the best lives had. I thought I should have one too. I tried some on – was my purpose to help other people? To … I dunno… create some big wonderful thing? Keep learning? Bake better cookies? Be a wife/daughter/mother/employee? Good grief. None of that sounded right.
I’d rather go look for meaning somewhere the heck else – like over there perhaps.
My life was, and is, banal at its core. I want to be safe. I want to spend time with loved ones. I want to share stuff and have a bit of fun, have a dog around and some music. I fritter entire days away reading genre fiction. My purpose? Maybe I just wasn’t one of the lucky ones who had a bliss to follow. I gave up. Besides, I had other problems – I was miserable at work. So, I set out to solve that puzzle instead. My search to be happy at work finally taught me how a person and a purpose come together.
Frustrated and unhappy, I decided to take the radical step to find one thing I enjoyed doing within my job – turned out it was being part of our team. I loved our team. I thought we were the best thing since ice cream. Once I found that one thing, I looked for ways to do more of it – how could I help the team? What did the team need? I told myself my work was fundamentally to focus on the well being of the team.
I decided I needed to understand what I was good at so I could use my strengths, if I had any, to help the team. I figured out how to figure out what I was good at, and then I started to do more of that.
Here’s what happened: I started to feel much, much better.
Thrilled with the results of my little lab experiment, I began trying to help other members of our team find, and focus on, their strengths too. Because, heck, I was getting good at it, and by the way, the research bears out the idea that this is a viable approach to productivity at work – which – is the name of the game in business.
Slowly, I began to view everything at work through the lens of team, strengths, happiness, and productivity. Life got way better.
I began to notice that work was better than my personal life. Huh. So I toddled off to investigate that. Here’s what I found – fear.
Fear that I would lose this job I now loved again. Fear that I would not be able to contribute meaningfully to our family if I lost my job. Fear that it would all go away.
Why was nothing just EASY?
“Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.” ― Joseph Campbell, Creative Mythology
To solve this problem, I became obsessed with finance. If I was debt free, surely losing my job would be no problem. I paid everything off. – Nope, still full of fear. If I had a certain amount of money in the bank – surely then I’d feel safe? – Did it. Still frightened as a child.What if I cut all our expenses and a professional with lots of creds confirmed that, if everything went to hell in a handbasket, I- armed with a job at the local grocery check out – could single-handedly hold the whole family up? Then surely, I’d feel safe.
Check. And no. Money didn’t cancel out fear.
Looking inside…
“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.” ― Joseph Campbell
Thanks, Joe. So, with a bit of exasperation, I chucked everything in my life except my day job, one volunteer gig and the people I loved – and started over. I listed out everything I’d have to do to finally be free of fear and feel safe. I started with the first item on the list. Physical health.
In my search to find health, I stumbled into a life coach. She said she’d help me lose weight by managing my mind. OK? That was new. I studied hard. I did everything she said to do. I pulled apart my thoughts, dissected my feelings and actions. I found at the heart of it all – I always felt – unworthy.
OH GAK. Not that Self – Esteem Shite Again. Really?
I kept working at it …and then… miracles. I started to understand that I’m amazing. I’m a mess – and – I’m amazing. Like a sleeping animal, waking and blinking in the light of the morning, I crawled out of my fear and stood, dazzled in the light of a new a day. All around me were other people with the same story – a story of – I’m a mess and I’m amazing. They weren’t saying it. They were living it – taking chances, trying things, laughing at their mistakes and full of sick-to-your-stomach, get-out-of-your-box daring. And Joy. And Compassion. So much compassion, for themselves and others.
That became my purpose. To model self-compassion and acceptance so that others can see what it looks like – in everything I do, I want to help myself and others find our strengths and see our own value. Here’s the beauty – I can do that at work, at home, alone or in a crowd. Turns out, purpose isn’t a static thing you find once and be done with. It doesn’t have to be grand, it doesn’t have to change the world. Purpose is a lens you create for yourself, through which you bring meaning to what you do.
Do I still have fear? Sure thing. Do I still want my job? You bet. Do I hit my purpose every day? Not by a long shot.
So, how do you craft your purpose?
You stop looking for one and start living.
Namaste, you messy, amazing people. Namaste.
This post is dedicated to my brave clients, all of whom are out there trying, failing, living it up. If this post resonates with you – sign up for a free 25-minute session Here: https://rockyourdayjob.as.me/free
Oh! And never miss a blog – sign up for my email list here: Sign up!
I’m going to tell you a dog story. Don’t get offended.
I spend a lot of time with my dogs, and my dogs, do a lot of cool stuff. So naturally, I’ll find parallels between my two big interests – dogs and, um, work. That doesn’t mean I think we can train people like dogs. But it does mean I prefer working dogs. Ba-da-bump.
If you would like to skip the story and just get to work, you can sign up for a free 25-minute session here – I’d love to show you how our expectations impact our work.
Ok – so here’s the story – I was new to dog sports and scheduled to compete in a rally trial. We got to the sitea bitlate and I was ignoring my dog – as much as you can ignore a seventy-pound Doberman attached you by a leash. I was focused on everything except my dog. Fifteen minutes before we were to go in, I stood up and rushed her through her exercises. Let’s just say, she wasn’t impressed with me. I knew in my bones that we weren’t a team at that moment.
When we entered the ring, things went from bad to worse. She made me sweat for every sit. Every turn, every command was met with excruciatingly slow responses. I was trying to count our mistakes. I kept waiting for the judge to tell us to exit and put me out of my misery. At the three-quarter mark, my anxiety turned to petulance. I was sure we were disqualified. I wanted out. My face was burning with embarrassment and I looked more like a pouting middle schooler than a grown ass woman. We finished the course and, in the ugliest win ever, managed to pull a third place that we didn’t deserve. Neither the judge nor I, wanted us to get that ribbon.
It’s my habit to always thank the judge after a match. I pulled my shoulders back and forced myself to approach her and offer my thanks. She was a stern woman, in her late sixties with a straight back. She had on a pale green suit that was classic and sturdy. She stared at me for a moment and then took me aside.
“Do you know what kind of dog that is?” She asked and didn’t wait for an answer. “Those dogs are military dogs. That breed was used by the United States Marines.” She seemed to grow a foot taller as she straightened herself. I did not inform her this was my third Doberman but I was curious. If this formidable woman wanted to tell me something, I wanted to hear it.
“When you work with a dog like that, you go into the ring and you expect a Marine!” She glared at me. “Perhaps you should get some other kind of dog.” She nodded to herself and waited expectantly.
“Yes Ma’am,” I said. “Thank you.” She clearly didn’t think I had the right stuff.
Because that dog and I were practically joined at the hip, in no way did I think I couldn’t handle her. But I did think a lot about what the judge said. That week, every time we stepped out to train, I’d remind myself to expect a Marine. I stopped trying to control her. I expected her to dog up. I expected myself to act like a person who was teamed with one of the smartest of all breeds. Lo and behold, that dog had game. She was alert, focused and on point. So was I.
Here’s the deal: What we expect to find, is often what we do find.
The belief that we are capable and can create positive change in our lives increases motivation and job performance – but not because the universe falls in line with our thinking. Beliefs impact our actions. If we believe we can succeed, we’re more likely to take actions that lead to success – taking classes, trying one more time, seeking answers. It just makes sense. If you expect that you’ll fail, why bother taking a class?
What happened with my dog and I was this: when I expected her to act like the dog I knew she could be, I walked faster, I moved with certainty. I didn’t keep looking down at her… and she had to be alert and moving quickly to keep up. She had to think for herself, so she stayed interested. Nothing magic, but man, it felt great. As we worked together, I was so proud of her, I thought my heart would burst.
So ask yourself, what do you expect of yourself and others when you show up at work? Be careful how you answer – it can be the difference between feeling like a Marine and feeling like you don’t deserve your own dog.
Sandra Day O’Connor said “Slaying the dragon of delay is no sport for the short winded.” Neither is the game of time management.
My Clients All Want to Know the Secret.
Yep. I feel for them. They want to know the three things which will solve the problem of work-life balance once and for all. For the first few sessions, they think we’re not talking about time at all.
I keep asking them to put names to emotions, remember thoughts, separate facts from fiction. They want a detailed plan on how to be more productive. They want to know how to finish their to-do lists in seconds and plow more work into less time. I keep trying to show them their thoughts.
I know how they feel. I analyzed every sentence in First Things First by Covey, Merrill, and Merrill. I spent a weekend pulling apart my filing system and making little labels after listening to, and then reading David Allen’s Getting Things Done. I made boatloads of time maps, trying to follow Julie Morgenstern’s Time Management from the Inside Out. I learned a ton by reading these works and much of it I kept.
If you can do it in 2 minutes, do it – is a keeper (David Allen)
I kept Urgent V Important, and Put The Big Rocks in First – Covey, Merrill and Merrill
I gave up being a Conquistador of Chaos and took up Time Boxing – Morgenstern
I calendar and habit stack. I pomodoro ( – thanks Francesco Cirillo ) and I use Trello.
I’m an A+ Time Management Student – but nothing stuck until I understood one thing: I’m Worthy.
Did you just groan? Just a bit?
I know – it sounds trite and you can’t buy it at the store and take it to work to solve all your problems. Sorry.
M. Scott Peck said it this way: Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.
Here’s the deal: You’re never going to be any more valuable than you are right now. There’s no such thing as self-improvement if we’re implying that we become more worthy, more important or more valuable when we change or grow.
You’re as valuable as the next guy, you’re as important as your boss and you have as much right to make decisions about your time as the CEO does. You have your own allotment of time on the planet. Nobody is going to stop you from spending it all at work – not in America, not in this century. The only person who can decide how valuable your time is – is you.
You still have to deliver value and results to the company that pays your salary – on the regular and in good faith, but as long as you think there is something more important or someone more important than your own decisions about what you’re going to do with your next 24 hours? You’re sunk. You’ll waste time, give up time and let work slide into personal time and personal time slide into work time.
You have to value yourself before you can set up a time management system that works.
It’s not easy to put a high value on yourself. You have to be very brave to do it. You have to have the courage to try it, to be willing to let people think stuff about you – to be willing to make mistakes. You have to be one tough lady, one strong dude to reign in time and make it take you where you want to go. The good news is – you can learn to value yourself and your time.
And that? Is just good to know.
If you would like to figure out how to stop seeing yourself as someone who needs fixing and start realizing that you are fine, right now – as you are, it would be my great honor to work with you. Before I worked with my coach, I really didn’t see myself as worth much. Now? I’m absolutely committed to modeling self-appreciation and helping others find their own self-compassion. Book a free session here.
Here’s a question… what is the opposite of fight or flight? Is there one? You bet, and you can get more of it just by noticing what makes you happy.
Chronic Stress has an Opposite – and You Need It
You heard it here first folks. We all know that our amygdala fires during stress, sending chemicals through our system and triggering fight or flight responses. (If this is a new idea, check out my blog, here. ) But did you know, that there is a chemical response that fires when you’re happy that has its own evolutionary explanation?
Check out Barbara Fredrickson’s website. She coined the phrase ‘Broaden and Build’ to stand for the process that happens when serotonin and dopamine flood our brains. We know happiness feels good, but it also creates an evolutionary advantage– the ability to see broader concepts, be more creative, curious and social.
So What?
I’ll give you so what. So, people who are relaxed and positive engage in seeking, exploration and play. They build resources that can be drawn on later and that, helps them during times of stress and trouble.
Think about it. Imagine you’re living in a hunter-gatherer society. If you’re not running from cougars or out killing bison, assume you’re hanging around with other tribe members, picking out the odd blackberry or two and just chillin’. Being able to creatively figure out something to do with that rock you just chipped a flake off of by kicking it … might lead to arrowheads. Being curious and open to exploration might pay off later by having a good mental map of the area. Either of those could be the difference between life and death.
Fast Forward to Today
Why does this matter? If you are spending your days viewing the work environment as a hostile place, then your brain will automatically send out chemicals that narrow your focus. During times of stress, we didn’t need to be wandering around exploring, fiddling with rock chips and bonding with tribe members. No way. We needed to be watching for big predators and getting ready to run, or fight, or hide. See that? If you’re stressed, focusing on your main project will be harder, you will be more easily distracted and you’ll have a hard time seeing the big picture or making creative leaps.
If you are spending your days viewing your work environment as a place that lets you provide for your family (gratitude), a place where you get to tackle challenges (interest) and a place where you do something meaningful (pride), if you’re happy and engaged, then your brain is going to send out the explore and expand chemicals. And that means it will be easier for you to find answers to problems and devise solutions to those pesky issues like how to control emails.
AND…
It’s more likely you’ll go home on time.
What? How did I make that leap you ask?
Well… think about it. If you can see the big picture, you’re more likely to put work into perspective and consider your family and other life enhancing activities as important.
If you can make creative leaps, you’re going to be faster at solving problems, and if you’re happier, you just get to work. It’s true.
Every one of my clients that explores the difference in their behavior when they are negative and stressed versus when they are happy comes to the same conclusion – when they are happy, they work faster.Better yet, they discover that if they are happy, it results in better outcomes for everyone around them, including their employer. But don’t take my word for it, research bears this out too. Check out “The Happiness Advantage” by Shawn Achor if you don’t believe me.
Here’s the best news of all… getting happier is as easy as training your brain to scan for positive things in your environment. That’s right. Find three things that bring you joy every day and you’ll raise your overall happiness. Simple. Could be a hug from your kid, a great meal or a divine sunset. Scanning for, and finding, joy can start you on the path.
If you would like to have some help changing your perspective on work, I can help with that. Book a free 25-minute session with me to find out how. And meanwhile, check out the book “The Happiness Advantage” by Shawn Achor.
Your Brain isn’t out to get you new results…it’s busy in the kitchen looking for snacks.
Look, You Aren’t Stupid.
You know you have to change your actions in order to get different results, but why, oh why, is it so hard to do?
I know! Especially when you’re trying to change the actions you take in situations that repeat. Those are the worst. I sit at my desk and boom! An hour’s gone by. I’ve answered a ton of emails but I still don’t have my project done. Bummer huh?
Changing our actions, especially context driven actions, is really hard.
Most of us just vow to take new actions.
How’s that been working for you?
Me neither.
But, if we take a moment to reflect on the results we’re getting and the thinking that is leading us there, we can start to tie results to thoughts. We can start to change our thoughts, which will create new feelings and new results.
Here’s one of mine.
I used to think “I don’t even have a minute between meetings for a bio-break.” And that seemed to be true. I felt rushed and mistreated when I thought that. And I would go from meeting to meeting, uncomfortable and, let’s admit it… a bit of victim about the whole thing.
OK… now that you’ve stopped laughing at me… let’s move on.
It’s funny, right? Because it’s clearly ridiculous. But that’s not the way it felt to me at the time. I felt bad. I was considering just not drinking any water all day. I couldn’t see another way out because I really believed that I didn’t have a single minute to spare. Worse yet, my results were proving that my thoughts were correct.
Hold the Circus Wagon, Spunky.
Then I said those words in a coaching session. Because my coach cares about my well being but doesn’t particularly believe everything I say and she isn’t being paid to sympathize with me, she asked me “Is that true?”
Um. Yeah?
Seems obvious, but to get to the point where she could ask me that, we had to know what I was thinking. And that is what a coach is for. If you would like to have a coach show you what you’re thinking … you can sign up for a free 25-minute session with me here. Click here. My goal here is to help other people the way my coach helped me. True dat.
She didn’t buy it. “What would you tell a team member with that problem?”
Huh. “I would never condone that kind of self punishment. I’d tell them, you take a break when you need a break. Everybody else is.”
Whoa. Wait a minute. So everybody else has time for a break. So, I must have time for a break?
I started to look at my thinking, feelings, actions and results from a more objective perspective. And, I started to believe that the results I was getting were unacceptable.
That was the turning point for me. I would never condone any human being enduring the results I was getting, so … I’m a human … and … therefore… I don’t condone those results for me.
Suddenly I had tied my outcome to a value (people shouldn’t be treated like that.) Then I changed my thinking.
So my thought became – Hey, my biological needs come first. That includes sleep, hydration, fresh air, sunlight, movement, and food. (You need those things, Dudettes – just in case you’re not sure.) When I think like that- I feel empowered and committed – to my own well being. And so I take action. I take care of myself.
Here’s the magic… when I started doing that, always taking care of myself – I did wind up being late. I started suffering the consequences of fitting in my basic needs.
I had new, much better problems. I was hydrated, well rested and felt comfortable – but I was a few minutes late to meetings.
So then my new thought was… how can I take care of myself and be on time? Do you see the beauty of that?
If I’m late and I don’t like the way that feels, I start to make it more important to end meetings early. But I don’t apologize for taking care of myself. And I don’t go back to believing I don’t have time for a pit-stop.
And that? Changes everything.
Next week – What is it like to work with a life coach?
But if she won’t, here’s how to make sure you get your zzzz’s and why it should matter to both of you.
There’s Falling Asleep…
Falling asleep is an art. And like any good artist, you have to practice. You have to pay attention and care about the process and the results.
My own journey with re-learning to fall asleep started with a small notebook and pen. Every day for about two weeks, I jotted down all the random details I could think of about my environment and my perceived quality of sleep. I did this both before I went to bed and when I woke up.
What time I got in bed.
What time did I last check the clock? (When did I fall asleep?)
When did I get up?
How did I feel in the morning?
What temperature was the room? What blankets did I use?
What type of light was there?
What did I do just before I went to bed?
What did I eat?
Out of all that note taking I learned this – to fall asleep quickly, I needed:
Pitch black (I went from using night lights to total lights out)
Cool temperatures
A bit of protein – like yogurt.
No laptop in bed before lights out
Your results might vary but by doing this exercise, I got to my minimum number of actions to ensure a fast descent into blissful sleep. Try it yourself. It only requires about 2 weeks of notetaking.
This method worked far better than tracking my sleep with a device – using my perceived sleep quality turned out to be less ambiguous. With the device, the overload of data made it more difficult to narrow my results.
and Then There’s Falling BACK Asleep…
If you’re a person who wakes up in the middle of the night with your thoughts racing… and then suffers, praying to fall asleep again, until finally, you pass out about fifteen minutes before the alarm goes off – you know that finding a way to fall back asleep is key.
During the night, your brain is consolidating all your learning from the prior day. It’s busy in there, Dude. My theory is that when we wake up and catch it working, we get sucked into thinking that we’re actually figuring out important stuff. Trust me, we’re not. How many of those sleepless nights actually yielded great insights for you? Right. Not enough to be worth it. To fall back asleep, you have to stay out of your brain’s way and let it do it’s job.
Here are three ways to fall back asleep.
Count Sheep
Basically, count backward from 100. If you get to 0, start at 100 again. Usually, by the third time through, you’re out. The key here is to make the counting just hard enough that you have to stay focused, but boring enough that your mind gives up and goes to sleep.
Count Sheep Version 2
Count backward from 100 by threes. You’ll probably have to move this option within a week or so of counting backward. The first method will have become too easy. Your mind will be able to wander back to your mental busy work. To make it hard enough to keep you focused, count down by 3 – 100, 97, 94, 91, 88, 85, 82, 79… see how the pattern doesn’t repeat for a long time? That’s what keeps your mind focused just enough. Again, you won’t often make it through three rounds before you’re out like a light.
Hack Your Mind
This is my new favorite way . Just stick with me here.
During the day – pay a lot of attention to the idea that sleep is very important. What you’re doing is priming your brain that sleeping is as important as whatever else you spin out on at night. Try to tie some emotion to the thoughts. I had “Get a Good Night’s Sleep” up on my whiteboard for about 2 months and when I looked at it, I tried to feel grateful that I was going to give myself the gift of sleep. I also noticed that all that thinking I did in the middle of the night never actually got me any results. By paying attention, during the day to the idea that sleep is a top priority, you’re telling yourself this is important stuff. Sleep is vital. Thinking at night is not valuable. You need to believe both of these. Fortunately, you probably already do.
2. When you wake up in the night with your mind racing – ask yourself the question, “Where Am I?” This is an old Zen question that changes your perspective from rumination to observation. Answer yourself with “I’m in my bed.” Let yourself wake up enough to really see that you’re in bed.
3. Next, as your mind picks up the thread of whatever thoughts it’s working on – tell yourself some version of “I’m not working on that now. The bed is for sleeping.”
If you’re like me, you’re brain will release the thought and you’ll drop right back to sleep.
I’d love to hear if this brain hack works for you. Drop me a line on facebook @RockYourDayJob or on LinkedIn – Amy D’Annibale and let me know how it works for you. Or set up a 25-minute free coaching session here and tell me in person.
And Then … There’s Why It Matters…
I just got done listening to The Passion Paradox by Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness. Here’s a quote from that book, that explains why a good night sleep is good for you and your company:
“If you really love your work and want to do a good job at it, the last thing you should do is sacrifice sleep. In the early 2000s, then groundbreaking research out of Harvard University found that it is during sleep that you retain, consolidate, store, and connect information. In other words, your mind doesn’t grow and make leaps when you are at work, but rather when you are at rest. “
Another thing I read this year is that your brain prioritizes consolidation of negative memories first. Why? Well, it’s super important to remember where the tigers are. Remembering where the raspberries were? Not as much. You need to get about 6.5 hours of sleep to get the neutral and the positive learning consolidated too.
You might not be able to control what station is on when you start the car… but you don’t have to leave it there.
Last week, I stated that our thoughts cause our feelings, and that’s true. However, there’s a whole category of feelings that arise before we even have a thought.
Disclaimer: There are a lot of areas of the brain engaged in collecting sensory inputs and shuffling them around in there. If you want to know the names of all of them, and how they all fit together, rock on. Just know you won’t find it in this blog.
Data is being smuggled into our brains twenty-four seven.
For our purposes, it’s enough to know that our brain is actively collecting information about the world around us and that information is not being brought in through the main command and control center.
This information cargo includes facial expressions, sounds, smells, tastes, physical feelings – basically everything your senses can detect. All that data is then compared to memories of emotionally charged events and, without your permission, elaborate defense systems are engaged, based on the level of the threat. When this happens, all we know is that we’re suddenly frightened, or angry, or stunned.
It’s like the military staged a coup in our head
It kinda did. No amount of thought work is going to prevent those protective systems from engaging – initially. But here’s the brilliant part –we can get very, very good at interrupting the process.
Here’s the deal. Once that defense system engages, a lot of stuff happens super fast. Our heart rate picks up, our digestive processes stop and our higher thought centers come offline – just for a hot second.
Think about it, when a bus is barreling down on you, standing around wondering – “Is that the airport shuttle? Will it to turn left just before it gets to me?” is a sub-optimal plan.
So the defense center shuts down your internal re-run of Frasier and sends you jumping back to the curb like your ass was on fire. Good deal – if there’s a bus coming.
Sadly, when we’re in a meeting and a micro-expression of fear flashes on the face of the guy next to us, our inner General MacArthur might decide to assume control of the bridge. What comes out of our mouth next, might not what we hoped for. Welcome to the human race.
Normally, when the defense system kicks in, we just go with it. We get upset, we fight back, verbally or physically, or we turn away, either by running or by withdrawing from the social setting. That can mean tuning out the rest of the meeting or obsessing about all the negative things that could come from the situation. This type of engagement keeps the defense system on high, keeps the hormones flowing and can create chronic stress and all its negative health implications.
The name of the game is “Stand Down, ASAP.”
If you would like me to help you calm your inner Viking and get your personal Einstein back in charge, sign up for a free 25-minute session by clicking this link –https://rockyourdayjob.as.me/free. It would be my pleasure, no strings attached.
The first alert system might not be under your control, but all the rest – absolutely is.
Tuning into the physical feeling of your amygdala firing can give you an edge. Get curious about your reactions.
When strong feelings arise spontaneously, like anger or agitation or simply a big fat impulse to run your mouth, stop and take a moment to notice how you feel -emotionally and physically. All this defense is being driven by hormones and we can notice how they feel in our bodies. And if you’re driving a big ol‘ negative feedback loop by ruminating on a problem? Brilliant – because you have plenty of chances to catch on to the sensation.
The next step is to train yourself to pause when you feel this, verbally identify the event and then wait for the hormones to dissipate. I’m such a nerd about this, that I actually say “I’m having an amygdala hijacking, just give me a moment.” And yes, that gets me some odd looks.
If you react by engaging with the emotions – yelling, running, arguing, asserting a brilliant defense of your rights – the hormone pump will keep running. If you wait patiently, the defense system will stand down, your amygdala hijacking will end and you can continue making logical decisions about how you want to respond to the world around you.
And that? Can have a huge impact on your health and your relationships.
Next Week: Why your boss should be buying you a mattress.
This guy’s not thinking that he can’t catch up at work. What are you thinking?
Here’s the deal. What you think determines how you feel. Slam. Dunk.
So if you’re walking around thinking that your situation is making you happy or sad or one of the four other feelings you know how to describe, read on. Because when you understand this, worlds open up.
Take one look at the guy in the picture. You might not know exactly what his circumstances are, but you probably have some pretty good ideas about what he’s thinking. Maybe something like ‘Yes!’ or ‘I found it!’ came to mind? You have no idea what elicited the expression on this dude’s face but you know what the feeling is and you know the thoughts are about something that went his way.
The reason you can guess the thoughts but not the situation is easy. Thoughts drive feelings, not circumstances.
Here’s another, less happy example. If there are four people present when someone near to them passes away, if the event caused the feelings, all four would feel the same thing. But it doesn’t take too much thought to imagine a range of possible feelings. One of them might be devastated. One might be mildly sad, sympathetic to the feelings of the others. Still another, might be angry and, it’s possible, one of them might be relieved, especially if the person had suffered.
If Facts Drove Feelings, We’d All Feel the Same Way at the Same Time.
But that’s not what happens. We have thoughts, sentences that our brains offer up and those thoughts? Create feelings.
So. What.
I’ll give you so what. So your feelings are being created by your thoughts and, your thoughts… are within your control.
Feel Me Yet?
Let me say it again. What you think is what creates the emotions you have and if you’ve been paying attention, you might now be thinking something a little wild. You might be thinking that our brains offer up easy options for us to think. And those thoughts are often cheap shots offered by our mid-brain because they’re easy for the brain to find and toss out to us. That means, a lot of what we’re feeling is in response to some pretty shaking thinking. Hold the horror show Bat Man. You mean I’m feeling worried for nothing? Maybe so, Dude.
If you’d like to have me walk you through an example from your own life, book a free 25 minu session here: Book A Free Session I would be thrilled to take you through it and I won’t be a bit offended even if you decide never to coach with me again. No problemo.
Let’s write this in code.
If: Thoughts create Feelings
And : People control their Thoughts
Then: People can control their feelings.
WHAA?
Try it. The next time you feel a powerful emotion, figure out what you’re thinking. Write it down. Later, try thinking that same thought and see if it brings up the same emotion. Or better yet, try this. The next time you feel a powerful emotion, try to amplify it. It’s a pretty empowering experience. Because you’ll be quick to figure out, that if you can make a feeling stronger, you can also make it weaker. Suddenly, you’re in the driver’s seat. You get to pick what you want to think. You get to dial emotion up or down. You get to decide how you want to feel.
One word of caution. None of this works with pretend thoughts, meaning thoughts you don’t really believe. Telling yourself you’ll win the lottery tomorrow when you don’t have a ticket, isn’t going to bring you any joy.But telling yourself that you can manage your work load (and really, isn’t that what you’re already doing? For real?) can bring you real relief, real fast.
Next Week: My amygdala made me do it. The exception that proves the rule.
Hey Neo, are you sure you took the red pill? Sometimes, you don’t have to be stuck in the Matrix to be misinformed.
I’ve got bad news.
Your brain – is lazy – but in a good way. It’s efficient. It conserves its resources and wastes no time on stuff it can automate. It’s like the best I.T. department ever and it’s in your head. All of which ought to be a good thing, but if you don’t understand how it’s running things – your brain can pull a fast one on you. And that’s bad news.
There’s hope.
The good news is that you can figure out the rules to the game and start to get the renegade department back under corporate control – and working for you.
Rule #1 – Separate the Situation from Your Thoughts About It
Here’s the deal. We think that our situations cause us to feel things. But between the situation and our feelings about it, there’s a thought. It’s our thinking about situations that causes us to have feelings. That’s important because our feelings drive our actions , and our actions are what create results. If you’re not aware of the thoughts you’re having, you can’t work with them, alter them or control them. So the first order of business is to get in the habit of separating out Facts from your Thoughts. To do this, start free associating, writing down random sentences that come into your mind. Do this for about two minutes. Now go back and circle the things that are facts. Ask yourself – would everyone agree to this sentence? If the answer is no, that’s a thought. It’s not a fact. Do this every day for a month and you’re going to notice something profound. There are not lot of facts floating around in our minds. We’re mostly tossing around opinions. This is good news because facts are really hard to change, but thoughts? Well, let’s just say we have some control over those.
Rule #2- Don’t Just Take What Your Brain Hands You
It’s disappointing, I know, but your brain isn’t actually spending a lot of time picking just the right thought for you in any given situation. Actually, it’s spending almost no time deciding what to think. David Rock, in his book “Your Brain At Work” did a great job hammering home the point that the ideas in our frontal cortex are a limited mix of whatever we thought most recently and whatever is emotionally charged. Basically, all that mind chatter you’ve got going on? It’s just random. These aren’t great truths about who you are. These are a convenient and easy-to-find mix of thoughts that happen to be quick for your brain to grab onto and toss into your conscious. I remember the day I first really got that. I was so angry to think I’d been treating all that negative and frankly, confusing, stuff like it was important. Those ideas in my brain weren’t important. They were just the things I’d thought most recently.
If you’d like to learn more about how to work with your mental chatter and get it singing in tune with your best self, sign up for a free 25-minute session. https://RockYourDayJob.as.me/free
Rule #3 – Follow Ideas Through to the Results Before You Decide to Believe Them.
If we confuse facts with opinions and attribute our feelings to our situations rather than to our thoughts, then we’re ceding control of our actions to our environment. In no way does that put us in the driver’s seat. If I think my boss is making me upset and hurting my feelings, then there is very little I can do about it. But if I acknowledge that it’s my thoughts about my boss that are making me upset, I suddenly have a lot of control. Ergo, it’s to my advantage to start to prove to myself that those thoughts I’m having are the cause of my feelings. Why? Because then I can get control of my feelings and if I do that? Well, then my actions are suddenly under my control and, because actions are what get me results…my results are in play too. A very good place to be.
We also confuse the random thoughts that pop up in situations with logically selected ideas. When I offer up my new idea in a meeting and everyone laughs, my knee jerk response is going to be to tell myself never, never to speak in a meeting again. But if I recognize that never speaking again is just what my brain handed me when people laughed at me, I can start to figure out if that tactic is going to get me the best result. It might be that even though people laughed, they did hear my idea and I might use that in my favor. But if I never get past “don’t speak in a meeting ever again”, then I won’t have any other, better ideas.
So, with any thoughts about subjects that are important, make sure you’re asking yourself if you are looking at a fact, or a thought. If it’s a thought, ask yourself what result this thought will get you and, if you don’t like that result, ask your brain to get busy finding you some better thoughts you can believe.
Now, who’s calling the shots? Not some guy in the Matrix. Not on your watch.
