Category: Mindfulness

Posts that relate to thought work, how we perceive the world and ourselves.

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When You Do That Thing You Do

No matter what your jam is, it’s better if you know why you’re there.
Don’t feel like reading? I’ll read it to you.

You know that thing you do that’s, well, just a bit crazy? Yeah, that. Do you have any clue why you do it? If it’s just your weekend hobby, getting right down to the bones of your why might not be so critical unless you’re the person on the skis in this picture. But if you’re putting in forty hours a week doing something, the more ownership you have for your why, the more agency you’ll feel.

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My first job was as a cashier at a grocery store. When things were slow, they’d send the boys out to get the carts. I didn’t get the memo about pushing carts and gender. Here’s the thing, the guys would go out and make a game of bringing in as many carts as they could, the train of silver and rust wheels stretching further and further. At that store, to get the carts by the door, you had to go up a ramp. The parking lot was gently sloped away from the building, so the closer you got to the door with your long line of carts, the more physically challenging it was to both get the carts up the ramp and to turn them and not crash into the windows.

Looking back, it might have been a slightly irresponsible game.

Never-the-less, the manager was a tough, cigar-smoking old fashioned barrel of a man, and he didn’t seem to mind it. Like I said, no memo. So I started going out and bringing in carts. One day, I had a very long line of carts, the most I’d ever stacked. I was headed for the ramp with a nice head of steam. It was late, there were no shoppers coming out, so I went for it. I got the front cart to the top of the ramp. A man stepped out from the shadows and put his foot on the front wheel of the cart. Of course, the whole chain came to a stop.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asked. It was the assistant manager. I couldn’t see his face, he was silhouetted against the windows.

He wasn’t a dumb man. He could see I was bringing in carts. So I didn’t offer that explanation. I was nonplussed. I couldn’t think of a thing to say. I didn’t know why he stopped me and he never explained. He removed his foot and went back inside.

I can be a prideful thing. I pushed that chain of carts from a dead stop up the ramp, made the turn and put them all in a neat line by the wall outside the door. I never did know why he stopped me. To this day, I don’t know if it was because I was going too fast, if he thought it was a risk for our customers, if he didn’t like women bringing in carts or if he just didn’t like me.

I do know it took me a week to come up with the word that explained what I was doing, and I needed adult help to come up with it. Competent. I thought I was being competent. I was working at something productive at a time when the other cashiers were standing around. I was performing the work as well or better than the other people who brought in carts, meaning I brought in a lot and I brought them in quickly.

That was a pivotal incident for me. Once I found that word, the incident stopped bothering me. At least I knew what the hell I thought I was doing.

I learned a lot from that. I learned that waiting for someone else to explain why I’m working is folly. Nobody other than myself knows what I’m trying to accomplish at the most personal level by the way I work, the work I choose to do and the manner I choose to do it. Nobody other than myself needs to.

In the end, it didn’t matter at all what the assistant manager thought about my cart pushing skills. He didn’t bother to communicate his perspective to me. I, however, found my perspective and a deep sense of satisfaction at being able to answer his question. I knew exactly what the hell I thought I was doing and that felt great.

Things are a little different now at work. I’ve got a terrific manager and have been lucky to have several of them in the past. They’ve taken time to explain their visions and offer that most valuable of all things – critical feedback. Doing a good job requires more than keeping my station clean and the money in my register correct, but one thing remains the same.

Nobody can tell us what the hell we think we’re doing.

That, my friends, is something we have to answer for ourselves, and my friends, it still requires some thoughtful consideration to come up with the answer. The good news is, when you do, it still feels incredible, powerful and stabilizing.

So why do you do what you do – at work?

To answer the question, let go of the traditional for a moment. Because the assistant manager could see what I was doing when he asked that question of me, he took away that easy answer. I couldn’t say – I’m bringing in carts, what did you think I was doing?

So when you look at why you go to work and what you’re trying to accomplish there, don’t let yourself say – I’m promoting our new product, obviously. Don’t let yourself say – I’m paying my bills, duh. Really put some skin in the game. Your own skin.

What is it you are looking for? What is floating your boat? As a teenage female competing with others for recognition and for promotions, I wanted to be seen as competent. I wanted to demonstrate that there was nothing in that store that I couldn’t do. I wanted to be useful and strong. I was at work to prove that I could be independent, pay my own way and earn my keep.

Once I understood that, it didn’t matter if I was pushing carts, balancing registers or running down the aisles to get a customer just the right toothpaste. I could be competent and I could achieve my objective. I could change jobs and still keep working on being ever more competent. My reason for being at work was independent of my work, my gender, my employer or even my direct manager. My reason belonged to me.

I’m just a weird kid that grew up to be a slightly odd woman. I’m not a rocket scientist or a superstar. My features are symmetrical, so there’s that. But I do know one thing – if I can figure out why I’m working, so can you.

After talking to person after person about what they want out of work, I know that the chances are, you have a strong why. You have a noble calling. You want to be excellent. Or you want to help others. You are full of ideas and you want to share them. Maybe you want to provide for your family. There’s something there we want, separate from the mountain of objectives that we’re all looking at as we head into the breach of 2020, with our corporate marching orders and our electronic dashboards.

Find out why you do what you do. If you’re not sure, take a guess. Carry it around with you for a week or so. You’ll know when you find it because the guys with their foot on your wheel won’t matter anymore. You’ll know what the hell you think you’re doing and it will feel – great.

And that? Is just freakin’ awesome to know.

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Who’s Flying Now?

Listen, every now and then, it’s good to check in and see whose flying this thing we call work.
Don’t feel like reading? Click here for the audio.

This week, it’s back to basics. This blog and the work I’m doing as a life coach has one purpose. I help people who are overworked, tired, unhappy, in a rut or unsure of their next step at work, get more control, feel better, and enjoy work.

The thing about this that makes me want to stand up and shout is we all have a lot more control than we think. We have control over what we pay attention to. We have control over our reasons for being at work. We have control over what meaning we attribute to the work we do, why we’re doing it, and how we execute. We have control over our feelings, our thoughts, our actions.

I think there are a lot of people out there who believe that their only choice at work is to try to deal with what other people say and do, to try to make other people happy and pray that someone changes things so they can be happy.

This, my friends, doesn’t work.

If you would like a free 25-minute session – click here. It’s free, it’s on zoom, camera on or camera off. It’s my pleasure

There’s no single way for everyone to be happy, but the first step is the same for everyone. Take back all the control that you possibly can. Err on the side of assuming you can act and effect changes right from your cubicle. You take back control the minute that you decide that you want to be happy at work or you want to stop overworking, or you want to do more of the work you’re best at. Whatever it is that you are waiting for so that you can feel better at work, take control of that.

Here’s the crazy thing. The only reason I’ve gone back to basics on this blog is that my brother asserted control. I want to turn this blog into a podcast. A bit of music for the podcast would be cool, after all, this is Rock Your Day Job. So I turned to my brother.

My brother is some kind of associate director of client learning programs but his side hustle is as a folk-world-rock singer-songwriter. So I thought great, let me get James to write me an intro/ outro. He said cool but… give me an outline of the journey you want to take your listeners on so I can tie the music to the point of all this.

What?

I just wanted him to string some notes together and make magic. Turns out… he’s an Associate Director of Client Learning Programs. Oh. That means he knows how to design systems that teach people stuff. He thinks I should have a plan and not waste your time. Huh.

So I sat down and started to chart out the outline for the next year and I realized this blog had gotten off course. I decided to get back to basics, the real reason I’m here. I help people who are exhausted and unhappy at work get more control, feel better and enjoy work.

This week, try to notice where you feel out of control at work. Then ask yourself what you can and can’t truly control. For instance, you can’t control what other people do or how they think, but you can control what actions you will take and you can control how you want to think about situations. You can’t control if your boss likes you, but you can control how you think about your boss. You can’t control which projects you’ll get, but you can control how you behave when opportunities arise and who you discuss your preferences with.

My brother influenced my entire process just by stating that he wanted to work from an outline.

Control. He exerted a lot of influence right there but he also exercised control over himself. He didn’t need me to change, he didn’t say no to writing music for me. He just understood how he wanted to work, what he needed from others, and he allowed himself to ask for it.

Magic.

And that? Is something you can do too.

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Master the Art of Self Compassion

Does your inner critic treat you like this?
She can.

Here’s the thing, we all want to be happy, have peace, eat well and see the Mets make it to the world series. What? You don’t agree? Because you don’t want peace? Oh, the Mets…well some of you are still with me.

While we want to have these things, we do just about everything in our power to get away from the one thing that will get us closer to happiness and peace. We overeat, binge-watch TV and fiddle away the day on social media to avoid just being with ourselves. Because hey, sometimes we can be our own worst critic.

Hey, I get it. One weekend I decided to change the sheets and clean the bedroom without music, TV, audible or even a dog to talk to. I didn’t have my phone with me. It was just me and the dust bunnies and I’ll tell you, things got ugly REAL quick.

No, I wasn’t sucked under the bed by the monster – he’s where he’s always been -in my head. First I became aware of a running loop of thoughts. My head was full of worried, fretful, self reproachful little thoughts running around in there. No wonder I prefer to clean listening to books on tape. Who wouldn’t? And that’s exactly where we foul it up.

By escaping from the thoughts we have playing on a loop in our brains, we lose the opportunity to bring them out and acknowledge them.

Not that day though. I was very aware of each thought and after about the fifth or sixth one, I got creative. I got a notebook out and laid it on the dresser. Then I waited to spring my trap. The next random thought that my brain offered me, I jotted down. Then I said, OK. That’s one. Next? I turned the page and went back to work. Soon, a new nasty bit of self-criticism popped up. I walked over and wrote it on the new page and turned that page. This went on for quite a bit. It made making the bed take longer, that’s for sure, but eventually, when I asked for the next thought, my brain was beautifully silent.

The first step to loving yourself is stepping back and finding empathy, for yourself.

I still have that notebook sitting right here on my desk. I pulled it out to see what my real thoughts were that day. Here they are:

  • People disapprove.
  • I’m a worried person
  • I’m going to be in trouble
  • I’m being shoved aside
  • My self-absorption is disgusting
  • I’m not a good wife
  • I feel bad for my husband marrying a waste like me

It’s not easy for me to share these on this website. But the truth is, I don’t even remember the situation that set this thinking off. I’m sharing my private and painful thoughts because I know that I’m not the only person who has a brain that does this type of thing. I’m sharing them on the off chance that someone out there will try this technique because writing these thoughts down on paper changed everything for me. Here’s what I learned:

  1. Writing this type of thought down gets it out of your head. The method was very important though. If you just sit down with a diary and write and write, your mind will build out logic and evidence for why these thoughts are true. You can wind up feeling even worse. But not engaging with the thought, just writing it down, turning the page and asking – OK, next? – objectifies it. Each time I wrote a thought and turned the page, my brain left that thought behind.
  2. Eventually, your brain runs out of canned thoughts. I kept writing and turning the page and finally, finally, my mind was quiet, calm, relieved. It was like it had a finite set of blather in there and was too lazy to go get anything new to bug me with. Blessed relief.
  3. Looking at what you are carrying in your mind can be the doorway to true self-compassion. When both my mind and my room was clean, I sat on the bed and turned the pages of the notebook, looking at each sentence dispassionately. None of these thoughts were true. They’re an example of what one of my clients calls snowballing -packing more and more negative around a small starting point. I thought about the woman who was having these thoughts. I felt such compassion for that person. No person should have to carry those thoughts around. It was obvious that the thoughts were overblown, and just as evident that she must have been suffering as she thought them. I had been suffering and it was completely unnecessary.
Turning your critic into your ally changes everything.

That day was literally the first time in my life that I felt compassion for myself. I wasn’t judging myself. I wasn’t full of self-pity. I wasn’t avoiding my thoughts and feelings but I also wasn’t rolling around in them. I could see the thoughts I’d been thinking and I could see that they weren’t true. I could empathize with the woman who’d been carrying them around but I also saw the error in her thinking. Until I was able to step back, I hadn’t seen how needless my suffering was. I gave myself a big imaginary hug and then told myself to move on. There were more rooms to clean.

Acknowledging that we are suffering needlessly and feeling empathy for the person who suffers is the first step in turning your inner critic into your inner BFF. After all, she looks like you, she hangs out with you and you’re stuck with each other. You two ought to be friends.

And that? Is just good to know.

If you would like help with your inner critic so you can stop agonizing over every little mistake, I’ve totally got you. Sign up for a free 25 minute mini-session. We meet using Zoom. We’ll see if coaching is something that might be helpful, and then we can see if you’ld like to coach with me or if I can recommend another coach for you. I’m pretty harmless and I love to talk about this stuff. Click here and get hooked up.

NEXT WEEK: how self-compassion is the key to showing up as yourself at work, and why it matters.

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Future Focus

Remember when someone told you to dress for the job you want, not the job you have? 
Turns out that someone was right, but not for the reason you think.   

When we dress for the job we want, we think we’re letting other people see us as if we’re ready and able to step into that role.  Turns out, the person we’re actually convincing is ourselves.

If you’re a growth-minded person, you have some future state you’re working toward.  Myself, I want to be a thin, buff woman who can run a 5K without having to plan a year in advance.  I also want to be a person who picks up after herself in a timeframe that is somewhat relevant to the day the mess is made.  And I want to be an innovative business partner, able to find great ways to use technology to make our company perform better, who just happens to grab great projects for her team while she’s doing it.

That’s a lot of “stuff” I want to do. 

Here’s where it starts to break down.  When I look at all I would like to learn, do and become, and I compare that to some reality checks like I want to play Pictionary with my granddaughter at the drop of a hat and be able to inhale the latest Stephen King novel the same week it comes out – I’m left with a sinking feeling that it’s all impossible. I’m trying to see how all the steps I need to take come together and not getting a clear picture, so I often wind up working on some version of “I can’t see how to have it all.”

My coach is always saying we have to act as if we’re the person we want to be.  I took that to mean that I needed to visualize myself in the future. Great. I love daydreaming – it’s easy and you can eat cheese crackers while you do it.

Thin? Check. Buff? Check. Successful? Check. Clean house? Check.

Ok – but then my coach tells me – Be more specific.

OK, so daydream up more details, right?

Here goes! Buff means that I’m 132 lbs, can run a 5K easily, can carry my 80 lb dog up one flight of stairs and I can do a Sunrise Salutation, with the chaturanga.  And successful means my team is cohesive and working toward next leveling themselves and I have time to take on new tasks from my manager plus all that innovation stuff I mentioned.  Clean house? Well, I think we all know what that looks like – a Better Homes and Gardens cover. Duh.

This week, I finally got what she’s been driving at. All of that future visualization is good but it’s not going to get me a clean house or a swell pat on the back from my boss.  What she means by specific is to think lifestyle specific.

If we want to actually achieve that future vision of us, we have to imagine that person’s lifestyle… and live there – now.

If you would like to get my free cheatsheet – How to Work Less, Starting Tomorrow, just click here. You’ll get the low down on how to kick overwork in the knees in three simple steps.

A woman who is able to innovate has to know what other business teams are planning, and not just at budget time.  She needs to know the direction they want to head, with or without technological help and then research ways to add value.  To be that woman two years from now, I have to be building relationships that extend beyond day-to-day survival.  So I have to live that lifestyle today.  That means I need to have meetings on my calendar that aren’t just about the technical issues other teams are having today. It means I have to be asking my team to work now at the level they’ll need to be for me to do that.

That buff, thin woman I want to be has a specific lifestyle too – she eats a certain way, she has to make her exercise a priority. Just because she’s thin and healthy doesn’t mean she gets to sit on her keester and watch Suits. The stationary woman who catches a full season in a week looks a lot like me – because I’m living her lifestyle.

Get it? 

This all seems obvious but most of us still think statically, in clips and short outtakes when we think about the future. We think that if we get that next job, we’ll be happy.  We don’t try to live a day in the shoes of the person that has that job.  We think if we work hard and get there, we can still be the person we are today, but with the new job.  Not likely.  What we need to be doing is figuring out what the every-day average life looks like for the person you want to be. What does he do in the morning? What does he do at the office? What does he do after supper?   Really see the full day-to-day lifestyle of that person. 

Now ask yourself, does that look like a good life?

If the answer is yes, then starting living the lifestyle – today.  

And that?

Is how you live in the future – right now.

Good to know.

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Letting Go of the Need to Get There

Our lives are miraculous and if you’re reading this, you’ve already arrived.

Potential must be a BIG word. It has to be tall – because we need to live up to it, right? It’s inscrutable because we have to work hard to realize it. We had better get to it because we don’t want to fail to reach our potential. Right? Right? After all, our managers are eager to help us and we want to be excellent.

Too bad. Because we’ll never succeed at manifesting our true human potential. It’s a massive Catch-22.

Our human potential is unlimited.

If you would like a free 25-minute session – click here. It’s free, it’s on zoom, camera on or camera off. It’s my pleasure

Listen, I’m a person who always wants to take on challenges, learn, grow, and keep moving, I mean, that is some fun way to live. But I want to give a big, fat raspberry to that idea that we all need to hurry to reach our potential, or that there is one perfect manifestation of our potential.

So I decided to get the facts. I went to Google and got the first definition that came up. (Yes, do laugh, but we’re moving on.) When used as a noun, the definition is “latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness.”

Basically, we’ve got some stuff we’re not using yet. It may be useful but, we have to put some work in to make that so. When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound like life or death. It might not even be worth missing a family outing for.

Look, I don’t know about you, but I’ve got lots of “stuff” I’m not using. I’m not using my ergonomic keyboard; I’m not using my subscription to Dragon Speak. Fact is, both of those are going to require a bit of effort and time and I’m not ready. Why? Because I’m busy – I’m writing my blog, I’m rushing to get outside a enjoy a perfect September Saturday walking my dogs. I’m looking forward to getting my house clean and maybe cooking that free turkey from last Thanksgiving before I get another one. You know. I’m living my life.

You are too. Well, not my life. You’re living yours.

And that? Is a gift.

According to a Japanese Zen story, we can think of our human existence like this:

Our very existence, at this moment, on this planet, in this human form, is as unlikely as a sea turtle sleeping on the bed of the ocean for 100 years, waking up and swimming to the surface, and putting its head into a floating oxen yolk. Not just any floating oxen yolk, but a golden one, as in made of gold – heavy, sinkable gold, that is floating for a brief moment, pushed this way and that by the wind and waves. The likelihood of our 100-year-old sea turtle hitting that yolk perfectly – that’s the chances of us being here as humans, with our experiences, in this life and being aware of the present moment.

The minute I allow my quest to reach my human potential to cause me to refute the wonder of this present moment, I’ve let go of the rare gift of the here and now.

And it’s worse than that. I’ve used the distance between where I am and where I can go to mean that there is something wrong with me, here, as I am, because I’m assuming there is somewhere better to go, some better person to be.

It’s just not true.

There is no getting to my full potential, ever. And there’s certainly no getting to my potential without starting where I am now.

So go ahead, walk out into the superunknown of your own potential. Take risks, try new things, learn more stuff. Set goals; achieve them. All of that creates texture and flavor in this beautiful life you’ve been given. Work hard. Do stuff.

Just know, the future doesn’t hold a final goal that gets you to the place where your life starts with you in the starring role as a fully realized human.

Dude, you’re already there.

And that? Is a good idea to hold onto.

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When You Assume…

We’re magnificently good at guessing what other people are thinking – not.

The definition of assume is enlightening. There’s the type of assuming where we presume or suppose something to be true without any evidence, but there’s also the taking of responsibility, to assume power or responsibility, and also, the assuming of a false face, pretending or assuming an appearance.

I want people to like me. So sue me. And yeah, I know that leads to me thinking way too much about what might be going on between their ears. My brain ( and yours too) was built to be pretty good at that – at least as a kid. I mean, I needed to know if my folks were going to feed me or not and I didn’t know a lot of words. Also, I had no car keys and no money, feel me? Our standard-issue brains are pretty OK at understanding if we’ve made our parents happy or not and if we’re about to have our desires thwarted. That’s pretty important for the preschool to preteen set.

As adults, our built-in “guess what they’re thinking” app starts to lose its shine. First of all, we’re trying to apply that process to more complex subjects and second of all, it leaves us making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. (Shout out to any fans of “The Phantom Tollbooth” out there who just imagined being tossed to an island.)

All that is to say, if you find yourself acting as if you know what someone else is thinking, well, it’s not your fault. You’re built that way.

But here’s the interesting part, when we think we know what another person is thinking, without actually asking them, we’re not only assuming facts that are not in evidence, we’re also assuming responsibility for what happens next.

Whoa. I wasn’t looking to take that on, were you?

When we walk into a meeting with a stain on our shirt and our boss eyes us up and down, we might assume she’s displeased with our poor presentation of ourselves. But she could also be looking to see if we have an extra pen with us. And that’s where we go from assuming we know what she’s thinking to assuming responsibility for what happens next.

When we hazard a guess at another person’s thoughts, we then have thoughts about that assumption. Those thoughts we have trigger feelings, deep shame about our slovenly blouse or anger at the fact we were dumb enough to wear white on taco day. Whatever we’re thinking, that thought will cause an emotion. That’s what thoughts do.

And then… we act on those feelings.

We might spend the rest of the meeting so worried about hiding that salsa stain, we totally can’t focus on the content of the meeting – not that I’ve ever let that happen. Heck, I’ve been so distracted by my own clothing that I considered taking a half-day to go home and collapse into my sweat pants. For a couple of years, I solved that by having a change of clothes in the car. But that’s just me. I’m a nut.

If we’re angry at ourselves for being sloppy or angry at our boss for being judgemental, we’re going to behave in a different manner. Maybe pointedly not backing up something she says, or not sticking up for our own position. Who knows what we’ll do.

One thing that’s for sure – how we react to those feelings, be they shame, anger, offense or guilt, is on us. And it’s based on castles in the air. Because at the root of it, we’re taking actions based on feelings and the thoughts that caused them – all related to what basically amounts to a wild guess.

You and I have no business inside someone else’s head, and that’s a fact.

On top of all that, we are now presenting to the world a facet of ourselves wholly built on fantasy. Our behavior is tied to what we think someone else is thinking. It’s not even tied to what we actually think we should be doing. As in, if we knew that nobody could see that stain because the light in the room and the angle of the fabric render it invisible, we wouldn’t be having all those thoughts about the boss, the look, the shirt and the what it all means. We’d just be opening up our notebook and taking notes. We’d be in the meeting as our authentic selves.

And that? Is just good to do.

I’ve helped many people get perspective on their own thoughts and get the heck out of everyone else’s mind. The relief we feel when we stop worrying about what other people are thinking and start to show up as the person we want to be is profound. I’m so grateful to my coach for helping me get out of my own way and I’d be honored to pay that forward. If you would like to work with me – I meet my clients over zoom – camera on or camera off- at a time that works for them. I’d love to work with you too. Book a free mini-session to see if this life coaching stuff works for you. Why not? It’s free and I’m nice. Click Here & Try It. I promise not to think any judgy thoughts.

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The Third Path

You screwed up again.
You just want to get out unscathed.
But what if there was a better option?

Mess up much? Me too. In fact, I make so many mistakes I could fill a steamer trunk.

And yes, I do all the things that everyone does. I indulge in shame and tie my self worth to the mistake and look for ways to avoid all that unpleasantness by eating, drinking, watching TV, reading – you get the picture. I’m not perfect – and neither are you.

None of us is, which is why mistakes are inevitable.

If you believe John C. Maxwell, and his book Failing Forward, mistakes are the way forward too. So if you’re trying to grow, then you’re going to have to make a lot of mistakes. You can read more about that in my blog Failure is not Actually Optional.

Typically, we see mistakes as a dual outcome event.

Things around us can get worse because of the mistake or we can recover from it and escape unscathed.

It’s like an evil Hobson’s choice – take a really bad outcome or be happy you got nothing.

How often do you leap from your chair and gasp “Hooray, I’ve made a mistake! Now there are new, better outcomes that wouldn’t have been available a minute ago!”

Right? Never. And yet, that possibility exists.

That third path, that failing forward, that post-traumatic growth, exists as one of three possible outcomes – not two.

  • Things can get worse.
  • Things can stay as they are.
  • Things can be better.

Here’s why we miss that third path, why we never even look to the left to notice it – during times of stress, our brains have a natural tendency to narrow our focus. To find out more about how this works and why – check out The Opposite of Chronic Stress. For now, suffice it to say, that we think mistakes are deadly, they mean that there is something wrong with us, they could get us kicked out of the tribe. All that negativity narrows our focus and we have less capacity to see a third path forward, the path that leads to something better.

We’ve all experienced it – the mistake we thought would be terrible caused an unpredicted and wonderful outcome. Yet, just when we need it most, our brains close down to the possibility.

How can we overcome this? Simple. Awareness. It’s enough to know that there are three paths out of any mistake. Write it on a post-it note and keep it handy. I might tattoo it across my own knuckles.

On my left fist – RELAX

On my right fist – 3 PATHS

And that?

Could turn your steamer trunk of mistakes into a treasure chest of wins.

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Risky Business

Taking a chance is scary… but not taking a risk should be terrifying.

What keeps you up at night? Most likely, it’s a risk of some sort. The risk that you won’t complete a project on time, the chance that you’ll make a mistake, a problem or puzzle carries the possibility of not being able to solve it.

The future is a risky place. We don’t know what we’ll find there, and our brains don’t like it. Our brains have a job to do… they have to keep our sorry bottoms out of trouble. Our mind has to make sure we’re getting food, staying out of the rain and finding some tribe members. So basically, cheese snacks, binge-watching on the couch and social media is our brain’s idea of a good time. How about doing that for the rest of your life? You in? Didn’t think so.

The image is pretty grim.

So is the alternative – which basically amounts to taking chances.

I looked up the synonyms for risk – danger, exposure, uncertainty, peril, hazard, jeopardy, gamble. Sounds GREAT. No wonder we hide at home

When you interview for a new position – nervous city, dude. Staying where you’re at? Seems safe. Snacks, Movies, Living Room.

How about if you start changing the way you manage your work? Taking on new responsibilities, speaking out in meetings, letting everybody in the company find out what you really think and what you’re really capable of? Sound like a good time? Not so much. Better stay quiet, keep your head down, don’t fill out that employee survey. Cake, Re-runs, Standing at the counter in your Kitchen

Here’s the thing – there’s a limit on your potential. I know. Your life coach tells you that you can do anything. And you can. But you can’t do it from the laundry room. With a fistful of potato chips. You have to take a risk. We all have a limit, something that’s holding us back – and the only way past it is to take a chance on something new.

Here’s an example of one of mine. I couldn’t see the difference between what I was doing in my job and what other people who were one level up were doing. I just couldn’t see it. So, I didn’t know how to work above my level. Working at the next level is always something I aspire to, but I was limited by my ability to discern the skills that were needed, the actions that were being taken. I really couldn’t see what I needed to change.

Until I took a risk.

I looked up the synonyms for risk – opportunity, possibility, prospect, fortune, fortuity, luck. Now those, sound pretty good right?

Here’s the wickedly interesting thing: the risk seemed totally unrelated. I started a side hustle.

Starting a side hustle meant I was way busy. It meant changing my personal schedule and remaining committed to my primary employer. In no way did I want my day job to suffer. I wanted to be excellent there AND at home.

Things started to slip. Not huge, just a bit. At home, at work, at other work, with family. RISKY STUFF. Scary. I thought maybe I should get a box of cookies and quit everything. Get safe again. But I didn’t.

What happened? As things started to get out of my control, I had to look for a way to handle these new challenges. I had to start thinking about why I was struggling. I talked to my manager, who is way smart. I worked with my coach. I had an ah-ha moment. In order for me to handle all these challenges and not sacrifice my health, my sleep or my performance, I needed new skills. Now that I was neck-deep in a challenge, I could see exactly what I needed to learn. I needed to learn how to get out of the trouble I was in. I needed the skills that the people just ahead of me on the path have – and they got those skills by overcoming obstacles – like how to work smarter instead of harder – like how to get out of the way of their teammates so that they could start working on new skills of their own.

OOOOOH. Now I get it.

I couldn’t even see around the corner to understand that there was a path, never mind how it was laid out until I took a risk. Without taking a risk, you will never see the way past your current limitations.

So if you want to push your limits, you have to take risks. The two go hand in hand.

I looked up some synonyms for risk: contingency, flyer, header, openness, plunge, speculation, stab, venture, wager, and last, but not least…

Shot in the dark.

Take a chance. The couch will be there when you get home.

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Intrinsic Value

I’m going off topic today… but then again, maybe not.
When we understand our own intrinsic value – we start the journey of bringing ourselves to work.

OK, so today, I’m posting – in its entirety – something I wrote a couple of years ago. I stumbled across it today. My stepfather is now in a nursing home, but on the day I wrote this, he was still at home with my Mom in Florida, and some days, he still could watch a movie and follow the plot. Here goes nothin’.

Do you matter?

Have you ever wondered if you matter?  Do you question if you deserve the love of your family or the blessings in your life?  No?  Then move along, come back next week for a different topic.  


Sometimes I question my value. Sometimes I want to know how I can matter when I’m just a woman from New Jersey who happens to love dogs.  I’m so banal, I’m practically a cartoon.  The most interesting thing about me is this drill-sergeant of a muse that I have, and frankly, he’s imaginary.

People have intrinsic value

That’s true, isn’t it?  I mean, you’ve heard that before right?  And you probably believe it to some extent. To some degree, we accept that humans have value that is not tied to anything we do, say, earn, make, give, or own.  That we matter, our lives matter, simply because we are human.


I have, of course, heard of the concept…it comes around when I’m thinking spiritually.  I agree without a second thought with the idea that all people deserve love, a shot at redemption or the benefit of compassion.   When I’m faced with need, the idea of intrinsic value is clear and easy.  I agree that a child I have never met, who is living without food or medical care deserves to receive care and support, simply because the child is a child. He doesn’t have to promise to grow up and be a Doctor in order to deserve food.

It gets messy when you bring it inside

But the idea of intrinsic value gets a little squishy when we try to apply it to ourselves.  Am I valuable just because I’m breathing? And if so, how valuable am I?  Sometimes it’s hard to understand just in what way I might matter. I can see how you matter…but how can I see that same thing about myself?


Think about it.  How do you know you have value that is not tied to your job, your actions or your possessions?  Asked another way, gulp, why does anyone love you?  Why should you love yourself?


These are questions I never hoped to find an answer to beyond a lame because God or Buddha or the Universe said so.  But I stumbled over an insight while picking a movie for my aging stepdad.  

You Just Do


 My stepfather has dementia.   It’s coming on slowly and he still has good days but more often now, he’s confused.   Just a bit or a lot.  It varies.  For some people, he’s a challenge – he’s stubborn and tends to hide in books.   He doesn’t like anyone to help him on a project.  He won’t eat onions or chicken on a bone and he’s positively violent about mushrooms.  I love him though.  


Yesterday, I helped him pick out a movie to watch on Netflix, settled him in a chair and went to take a shower.   When I stepped back into the room to check on him, he greeted me with a huge grin.  


“Hey!” He said gesturing grandly toward the TV. “You really know how to pick a movie.  This is exactly the kind of movie I like!”  He was quite obviously thrilled with the movie, with me, with his lot in life at that moment… the whole ball of wax.   A jolt of happiness belted me so hard, I had to step away, throw back my head and literally wrap my arms around myself to hold myself together.   It was wild.   


What the heck?


I was astounded by the ferocity of my love for him and the sheer joy of seeing him, enjoying himself so completely.   He’s an aging man, who sometimes doesn’t know how many floors the house has (one), can’t walk more than 50 feet on a good day, and refuses to stay in bed at night.   He’ll never take me hiking again.  He’ll never offer great advice again.  He probably won’t know who I am soon.  But he is so valuable IN HIS CURRENT STATE that just his joy is enough to floor me with gratitude.    

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You’re Wishing For The Wrong Thing

Don’t you wish for work to feel like this?
Relaxed, clean, a cup of coffee and a blank page?
Fuh-gedda-bout it.

I am a little upset. My life isn’t neat and orderly. Stuff is happening and I’m not as caught up as I’d like to be. Sound familiar? You too? Huh.

Well, let me go you one better. My work life is that way too. What do you think of that?

You think I should take down my Life Coach sign and go home, don’t you? Or maybe you’re like many of my clients and you’re a bit relieved to learn that I’ll be spending an hour or four on Sunday getting my inbox in order.

The nature of work is to be messy. Hey, after all, we’re working in here, we’re having a life. Each of us is trying to grow, to master the next thing required of us and to find a way to balance this against all the other demands on our time.

Work is not static and it never will be.

As soon as we wrangle all the demands into an orderly state, as soon as we master what’s in front of us, something changes. A competitor comes up with a better product and we have to catch up. Our co-worker retires and we have to learn their tasks. A new opportunity presents itself and we have to learn to fit it into the puzzle of time and tasks. All of this happens and more. It never ends.

Regardless of where we are on the learning curve, the curve keeps sloping off into the distance.

Are you disappointed?

I used to be so change resistant that I let my living room sofa make me unhappy for a month. I spent hours and hours shopping for it. It was perfect until it arrived. Then it was all wrong – because it wasn’t the couch that used be there.

Now, I’m older. I know I’ve got at least three more couches coming my way before I kick the bucket. I don’t need my couch to be perfect to be happy. It’s not the centerpiece of my life.

What if you let work, be work? You know, kinda how when the cat leaves dead mice on the doormat, you have to acknowledge that Mr. Fuzzy is a predator and not a really short person?

What if you looked at work and noticed that it always comes with challenges? What if you looked at work and noticed that interruptions arise daily? That if you turn off your phone and log out of instant messager, people will show up at your door? That your work consists of both projects and changes to the projects?

If you wish work would be orderly so that you can relax, then you’re wishing for the wrong thing. If you require your situation, or your sofa, to conform to your expectations in order for you to be content, then change is going to be a problem.

When you and your work are separate, you get to be you.

Work gets to be work.

Work can stay messy. And you? You can put your feet up and be content.

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