Month: February 2022

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A Month of Somedays

Are you waiting on a ship that hasn’t come in yet?

Someday, you’ll have inbox zero. Someday, you’ll have a regular exercise routine. Someday, you’ll lose ten pounds and someday…you’ll live your best life… as your best self.

Here’s a secret. That day can be today.

All you have to do is agree that even though that day is today… your inbox might have 491 emails, 242 of them unread.

All you have to do is agree that what you did yesterday is no proof of who you are.

The dirty dishes in the sink this morning, the dog that ate your running shoes, the late-night nacho extravaganza yesterday, and the total lack of white space in your calendar today… doesn’t mean that you can’t be your best self and live your best life – today.

Did I lose you?

Hang in there.

This is a short read and you said that you wanted all those someday things.

Ok, do this with me… I want you to imagine yourself at eight-five. Unless you are eighty-five, then just be you.

You are eighty-five. You’ve already retired unless you’re the President, in which case, you’re excused.

You’re eighty-five. Your skin has lost its elasticity. Your joints are stiff and it takes a long time to get camera-ready.

Think of someone close to you – a spouse, a child, a friend. How old will they be? What will they look like?

What will you look like?

Where are you living? In your home? How are you managing in that home at this age? Who cares for the lawn? How do you get groceries?

Close your eyes and really see it. Then open them again. I’ll wait.

Let me ask you something.

What is that one thing, you know the one thing, you are always saying you would like to improve about yourself? I know there’s a long list, but start with the one you’ve been working on for your whole life and still haven’t nailed.

When you saw yourself at eighty-five, did that problem still exist?

Just think about that.

When do you believe you will change? Some murky year between now and eighty-five? Some murky year after eighty-five?

How important was this change to your eighty-five-year-old self?

OK … you’re free, come back to your current age. At this point in time, what are you telling yourself about how life will be when you:

  • Get to the perfect weight
  • Get your desk and inbox under control
  • Get your house running smoothly
  • Become a regular meditator
  • Kick sugar and flour to the curb
  • Build up serious muscle tone
  • Learn to be a full stack developer
  • Move to the next level at work
  • Buy that house, get that dog, have those kids, break that glass ceiling, be the change you want to see, become a force for good in the world and live life to the fullest?

What are you telling yourself about WHO you will be then?

Be that.

Be that person – now.

If you have great muscle tone and you’ve lost weight, then who are you? Healthy? Beautiful? So what? Why do you want that? So you can live long? So you can shoot a music video?

A person who had accomplished what you want to accomplish would be doing something different than you are doing now. They would dress different, they’d be serving soup to the poor this weekend, they’d be auditioning for the Voice.

Don’t wait until you’re eighty-five to do those things. Especially the Voice audition.

If you have inbox zero and blocks of space on your calendar at work – so what? What does that mean? Does that mean you’re organized? Does that mean you’re responsive? Does that mean you finally get to work on the important things and do that strategic thinking at work?

Why not skip the step where you wish you could do that… and just… do that? Act like a person that’s organized. Act like a person who gets five hundred emails a day and still is responsive. How would that even work?

Right. Some of this you can do right now… you can act organized… by planning and prioritizing and some stuff… like being responsive and strategic with five hundred emails a day just isn’t going to look like inbox zero – ever. It’s going to look like not answering those emails so fast and actually being on do not disturb while you do some work. And then it might look like pinging a few key people to make sure they have what they need from you. They’ll resend that email – believe me.

OK go back to being eighty-five and imagine you never did any of the things you wanted or believed you wanted to do. You’re overweight. You can’t get out of a chair. You spent your whole career being reactive, suffering at your desk, walked away from work early because you couldn’t take another day and your retirement fund is limited. Your mind is just as tumultuous as it is today… you never did learn to meditate. Your voice is shot and you never made a music video. Whatever it is that you are saying you’ll accomplish later – go to later and see the result of not doing it.

Wow! Right?

What did you learn?

When I did this exercise, I realized that not accomplishing that one thing wasn’t what brought me a deep sense of regret. It was all the things I didn’t do because I was waiting for me to be perfect before I started. At eighty-five, I was like – Amy, you idiot, why didn’t you just …. go for it anyway? Not even trying was my worst-case scenario… and now… I was living it.

Deep breath. Relax.

Straighten your spine.

What if the only moment you ever have to be your best self, living your best life… is now?

Everything’s OK – but you don’t really have plenty of time.

The time is now.

It is better to take voice lessons at fifty-eight, than never to have sung at all.

If you want to be a person who is relaxed, exercises, eats a lot of veggies and says no to cake, gets the most important work done during the business day, and watches plural site videos on the couch while eating popcorn …. while their spouse watches re-runs… then be that.

You’re not going to be perfect.

It’s not going to be easy.

You’re not going to be happy all the time.

And that’s OK –

None of that is actually happening for you now either. You already know how to do imperfect, difficult, and mildly annoyed.

You got this.

OK.. .one last trip to the future. Imagine you did that… ate big salads, went for terrific walks, only worked eight hours a day, and learned how to build a UI in angular while wearing your noise-canceling earphones as you cuddled up with your honey. Imagine you took singing lessons and did a walk-on at the local bar for your friend’s band and brought down the house singing Born to Be Wild at the top of your lungs.

You didn’t win The Voice but you sang, man, you sang.

Go a bit more into the future. You have been living that life, eating apples, walking in the sun, not overworking, learning new things, and belting them out at the corner bar on Fridays for years now, maybe decades. You just started one day… you read this crazy blog and you just…. started acting AS IF you were living your best life.

You didn’t make it a problem.

You didn’t need to be perfect.

You just…decided to act as if you already had your best life.

And that? Is just possible.

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#Seen

That’s what you are – but sometimes that’s hard to see in the snow blindness of a difficult time.

1 out of 25 people reading this will be struggling in their lives and suffering from thoughts of suicide. If you are one of them, please know that this is a serious matter – your safety is very important. You have a gift that only you can offer the world. There are good people who know how to help. Please call or text:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for 24-hour service
Veterans Crisis Line: Call 1-800-273-8255 and press 1, or text 838255

Today’s blog is a frank conversation about suicide. You may want to switch to my blog on compassion if you are currently feeling vulnerable.

This blog, read to you.

47,500. Care to venture what that number is? That’s the number of people in the United States that died from suicide in 2019.

That’s a lot of pain.

Just in case Covid has numbed you out to the horrifying numbers of people in pain, suffering, and losing their lives… I have another number for you.

1,400,000.

That’s the number of people who attempted suicide in 2019.

Now, let me give you another number.

3,500,000.

That’s the number of people who were in such pain that they made a serious plan to die from suicide.

Here comes the last number. Brace yourself.

12,000,000.

Twelve Million People.

That’s the number of people who seriously thought about suicide – in the United States alone.

If you find that hard to believe, don’t believe me. Check out the CDC fact sheet.

That’s a whole lot of pain – and a whole lot of reasons for all us to get more comfortable talking about it. Why? Because being alert to the signs and being able to broach the topic and connect people with resources – saves lives. Period.

Here’s something else you may not know. For a paltry sum of $39.95, you can sign up for a ninety-minute, beautifully done online course to prepare you to step up, listen, and connect. LivingWorks.net is the organization and the course is called START

If you’re at all interested, check out the link to a small intro video.

I get it. You don’t want to mess anything or anyone up. You don’t feel qualified and don’t have a goal of getting qualified to work with people on their problems. Hey, I’m a life coach and I work in IT. I’m not qualified to solve these things either.

Here’s the thing: I do know how to talk about it and where to get help from people who are qualified.

Right. But here’s the thing: the goal this training is not for you to solve other people’s problems. The goal is to get you comfortable enough with a framework for helping, that you can connect someone in need with the people who are trained to help.

I took this training myself this week. It’s worth every penny.

People who are in pain, need to be able to reach out and grab a life ring, a kind word, a scrap of hope. People in pain need someone to dial the hotline number for them and tell them that they are not alone.

$39.95

My son puts on a bullet-proof vest every day and goes out to serve & protect.

I think I can put on my big-girl pants and ask someone – are you thinking about suicide?

And that? Is just the right thing to do.

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Disconnecting… from Impossible to Done.

Did you say Workload and Culture? Lady, we have got to talk.
The whole blog, including additional comments, read for you.

Me: So, you’re overwhelmed. Tell me about that.

Client: I got up this morning at four am because we have a big project due.   I worked until six am, let the dogs out, and I’ve been working right here at my computer until our session started.

Me: That’s, let’s see, four am to seven pm, that’s fifteen hours? 

Client: (shrugs) I have more to do when we hang up.

Man, when that client spoke those words, my heart broke. I knew exactly how they felt. If you’re struggling with workload, like my client was, the idea of leaving on time probably leaves you with a lot of “yeah, buts…”

  • Yeah, Lady, but I can’t just stop. All this work will crash and burn.
  • Yeah, but, you don’t understand the expectations at ABC XYZ Corp.
  • Yeah, but, I’m in the middle of a major corporate project with huge visibility

I’m using my Saturday to write this blog and let you know… There is hope…

Let’s tackle those objections right now.

Last week, I tackled the 5 steps to unplug in my blog, which include planning ahead and letting your manager in on your intention.

Tackling the inability to disengage is the first step in my Reboot Your Day Job program. Coaching gives you a safe place to work with someone who can help you “try on” new ways of approaching old challenges.

Although the corporate world can and should help us – by providing flexible schedules, transparent conversations about resourcing and prioritization, allowing people the freedom to determine how and when they work, supporting meeting reduction policies, and looking for ways to reduce the email / IM chatter load on knowledge workers…there’s still a lot you can do, right in your own chair, while you wait for that utopian moment.

So – why aren’t we throwing down our mice and logging off?

Workload and Culture.

At first glance, they seem like likely culprits. After all, most of us have some loose definitions of the two that look something like this:

WORKLOAD: The never-ending avalanche of requests, demands, emails, interruptions, projects, emergencies, reactivity, and problems ….. supplemented with training, upskilling, the need to understand new technology and our jobs, and our business partner’s job so we can add value and find big ideas…topped off with a dollop of ERG’s, clubs, and engagement activities so we can support our colleagues, share the joy of STEM, work toward social good, combined with expectations that we will soon be networking and innovating -possibly in a building, after packing a lunch and commuting.

CULTURE: What you see everyone around you doing, what you hear your colleagues saying, what you believe is expected behavior, and what you imagine is required of you to fit in and succeed in your company.

Those are some pretty strong headwinds

I mean, all that AND I have to wear pants? What happens to all that work and all those expectations when we unplug? Not what you think.

I’ve walked clients through this over and over. Here is what doesn’t happen:

  • They don’t get fired.
  • They don’t fail to deliver on the big project.
  • They don’t stagnate and they don’t lose credibility.

Not one. Not one single client.

Why? Here’s what you don’t see when you’re stuck in overwork.

(I’ve included links to prior blogs for a deeper dive… you’re welcome!)

Every manager, everywhere, has said “Find a way to get it done.” No manager, anywhere, meant “Work until you drop.” when they said it. Why? Because of all the negatives that overwork creates… see the list above.

So what does happen when you unplug? Well, I hate to say it… but you wind up dealing with some pretty uncomfortable things… which is why… unplugging isn’t easy.

The two reasons why clients fail to unplug.

The number one reason why people don’t succeed when they try to unplug is fear: fear of what will happen to their projects, fear of what other people will think of them. This fear prevents them from even trying to unplug. I could cry when I think of it. What a shame!

What people don’t seem to be afraid of is the lost opportunity costs of overwork, missing out on creative solutions, missing out on collaborative opportunities, restricting other people’s growth, and reinforcing a culture of endurance and overload. All of which are the direct result of overwork – for you and your company.

The second reason is discomfort – it feels WEIRD to leave on time.  It feels WRONG to not be at work while the sun is out.  It feels UNCOMFORTABLE to ignore those little pings and dings, emails and IM’s.  If there’s one thing we know, it’s that we don’t like difficult emotions. Difficult emotions drive people back to overworking before they can see the benefits and find ways to overcome those feelings.

                Oh, you thought that grief and abject despair were the only difficult emotions? 

Wake up and smell the coffee, my friends.  We humans also don’t like – boredom, being fidgety, mild anxiety, discouragement, confusion, uncertainty, and about a million other emotions that don’t require a divorce or a death in the family.  That includes that little bit of uncertainty you feel when you’ve been away from your email for an hour.   Cal Newport discusses this in his book Digital Minimalism.  I’ve blogged about it here: Learning to Carve.

So, what’s the answer?

The answer is… follow the five steps I gave you last week. Clients never believe that this can work. Heck, I didn’t believe it until I tried it. That’s why I recommend a two-week experiment. That’s enough time to overcome discomfort and see real benefits. That’s enough time to start taking the actions that leaving on time forces you to take – thinking big picture, finding creative solutions, turning to others for help and inspiration – and it’s enough time to expose the problems your overwork has been masking. Two weeks is also short enough that the whole world of work won’t collapse if I’m wrong (which I am not.)

And that? Is just the only way to find out for yourself.

If all of this is just a bridge too far for you, I get it. I really get it. I needed a coach to help me get my overwork under control. I’d like to help you too. Click here to sign up for a free 25-minute session... no hard sell, just empathy in spades and real tools you can use.