Fah- Fah- Fearless my foot. Right now, there’s like no reason in the world to feel fearless, and I mean, literally.
I’m going to share something with you – there actually is plenty out there to fear. I can sit here and say “don’t be afraid” but that’s not really what a life coach does. Mostly I ask questions. Things like “Is that true?” and “So what?” People pretty much pay me to be a pain in the neck. It’s possible that what you are afraid of is a real concern. And that’s good to know. Because, as Robert McCammon said, just because it’s real, doesn’t me we don’t act. I’m going to share here one of my favorite excerpts from his books. Basically, the townsfolk in the story are standing in the dark of night on the banks of a rising, raging river in a downpour. The boy and his father, join them, filling sandbags and slinging them into a wall, in an almost futile attempt to hold back nature. Here it is:
“There is something about nature out of control that touches a primal terror. We are used to believing that we’re the masters of our domain and that God has given us this earth to rule over. We need this illusion like a good night-light. The truth is more fearsome: we are as frail as young trees in tornadoes, and our beloved homes are one flood away from driftwood. We plant our roots in trembling earth, we live where mountains rose and fell and prehistoric seas burned away in mist. We and the towns we have built are not permanent; the earth itself is a passing train. When you stand in muddy water that is rising toward your waist and you hear people shouting against the darkness and see their figures struggling to hold back the currents that will not be denied, you realize the truth of it: we will not win, but we cannot give up.” – Robert McCammon – from the novel Boy’s Life
Pretty intense. This week, mental health has been in the news. As we stay home longer, as we see the upsetting news about the pandemic along with the ugly campaign ads designed to frighten us, the real worries we have about sending our loved ones back to school and about what happens when grandparents and parents welcome them back into their homes, we wonder about the economics, climate change, the safety of vaccines, voter registration… all of it. And then? We have to show up at work.
This week, I cried at the grocery store because the lobsters waiting to be made into a meal were so pitiful. One of my team berated herself viciously for a small, forgivable lapse. We watch as the team pushes to hit deadlines, emails increase, tension fray. We were already overwhelmed… and the gratitude and thankfulness we started with in March are worn thin.
What’s the answer?
It’s the only answer that ever existed. In the dark, on the river bank, don’t give up.
But also, don’t just let the world pour fear into you. Ask yourself “is this true?”
The media says our democracy is about to crumble. Is that true? Really? Or do you just need to make sure you vote?
Our climate is threatened. We’re all going to fry by 2050. True? Who knows. But you can pretty easily switch your electricity supplier to 100% renewable. Lock in a one year rate, fall back to your current one if you don’t like it.
There’s more email than ever at work and you can’t keep up. So what? You might miss something? So what?
You’re starting work at the crack of dawn, stopping to home school the kids, going back to work in the afternoon, and making up time in the middle of the night and that’s the only option you can find. You’re exhausted and scared. What are you making this mean? How does that make you feel? How do you behave when you feel like that? Is that pattern serving you? What else could you make it mean and how would that feel?
Look, we’re all going to feel overwhelmed and fearful. Self-coaching is the way out of that. We can’t change the facts of our lives, we are still one flood, one tornado, one bad break away from real trouble. It was like that last year, the year before and all the way back to the beginning of time. You still have emails to handle. You have children to care for.
Here’s what you can control – the way you think about your situation. My job as a coach is not to talk you into believing things that aren’t true. My job is to help you see what’s going on in your head and how that’s impacting your world. But you can do it yourself.
Here’s how:
Give yourself five minutes at the start of the workday. Write out everything that comes to your mind on a piece of paper. Underline the hard facts, provable in a court of law. Everything else is in your control. Pick one of the controllable sentences. Doesn’t matter which one. Write it on the back of your paper. This sentence is a thought you had. Say it to yourself. How do you feel?
Write down the situation the thought is about. Make it fact. Refine it until it’s so bland that you have no emotional reaction to it. That’s your circumstance.
Read the circumstance. Read the thought. How do you feel? Imagine how you behave when you feel that way. Is that what you want to do?
Now, write down five other thoughts you can have about that fact. Try them on for feelings and actions.
Go through this, don’t just read it. Really try it out. Here’s what you learn – you can’t change the world, but you have a ton of control over how you show up in it. And when you do that, your actions change. And Actions are what drive the results we get for all of us.
Turns out, if you control how you show up – you might just change the world after all.
And that? Is just good to know.