Who’s Defining You?

Understanding how you view yourself is all about building awareness.  From there, you can start to modify who you believe yourself to be. And that? Is wickedly powerful.

So, on Sunday, I walked my dog. I stayed to wooded areas and then walked around a closed college campus.  On Friday, I went to the grocery store.  I wore cloth face mask, I used sanitizer before I touched the cart (to protect others) and after I returned the cart (to protect myself).   When I got home, I put the groceries on a table in the garage, I put most of the perishables directly into our chest freezer (also in the garage.)  I wiped down the milk jugs and the pack of chicken legs with disinfecting wipes and left them to dry for 4 minutes per package instructions.  I took off my shoes, went into the house, directly to the washing machine area, put my mask and all my clothes in the washer. I washed my hands for twenty seconds.  Then I put on a bath robe and went directly to take a shower.  The dirty robe went into the hamper, a new robe was used when I got out of the shower, and everything was washed.   I went out and retrieved the milk and meat, and left the rest to sit in the garage until the next day.

You could pretty much predict that I would behave like this if you knew what my internals beliefs are.  I believe that I’m a smart person, who mitigates as much risk as reasonable but doesn’t bow to fear.  So, I would definitely go shopping, and would definitely read up on how to protect myself and my family and would definitely follow through.    Basically, exactly the behavior I noted above.

Why does this matter? Our beliefs are one of the last bastions of unquestioned internal territory. 

A lot of our beliefs about who we are come from external clues we pick up early in life.  We confirm these beliefs via our preference for information that aligns with what we already think.

So what’s the upshot?

If you believe that what you believe about yourself is true and unchangeable, you’re stuck with your current behavior.

Notice the double belief there?  First you have to believe that belief itself is malleable.  You have to be willing to consider that what you understand to be true and unchanging about yourself might actually be flexible.

If you can get that far, the next step is to uncover your beliefs and question them… ask if they are working for you or against you. 

Why bother with all this? 

First of all, this is part of the tool of awareness.  If you aren’t aware that your beliefs are actually driving your behavior, you’ve got whole swaths of your life that feel beyond your control. 

Using my pandemic example – a person could look at my behavior and then presume that my behavior indicates that I’m a cautious person with a need for groceries.  That person would probably not predict that I’m also out walking my dog a lot.  If we see our actions as evidence of who we are, we’re kinda stuck.  Our actions seem mysterious and some of what we do is unpredictable.

• It’s hard to understand why a woman as cautious and obviously afraid as the woman I appear to be is also willing to be out walking her dog & willing to show up a her day job when needed.

If you start from my belief – you can understand that belief causes me have thoughts like these:

 “I’m not cowering in my house for anybody or anything.” (I don’t bow to fear.)

“Smart people research, question and never stop learning.” (I’m smart.)

“I’ve researched and I’m reasonably sure that I understand how the virus works basically; I’ll act accordingly but I won’t panic.”  (I mitigate as much risk as is reasonable.)

From those thoughts, driven by the underlying beliefs, you can guess I feel – determined, confident, analytical.   Which is exactly how I feel. Knowing that, it’s easy to predict my current behavior.  I shop once a week, I don’t stock pile more than two weeks and I’m willing to go into the office when needed, with precautions.  

Suddenly my actions are easier to understand. Nothing is random or confusing.  I’m behaving in line with my beliefs.

At work, I believe I’m a good communicator.  I think I’m mildly entertaining, good humored and smart. I really believe that shit.  

However, the fact that I believe all that doesn’t make it true.  Just like thinking I’m smart in a pandemic doesn’t make it true.   

If I don’t question my beliefs, I could be in for some serious surprises.  I might be over-confident in my communication skills, my intelligence or I might do something really stupid because of my belief that I don’t bow to fear.

The key here is to understand that your beliefs about yourself are totally up for grabs.  Even positive beliefs (I’m smart, I’m a good communicator) can generate road blocks or mistakes.  If you don’t see that belief drives thinking, and thinking pretty much causes a cascade of feelings, actions and consequences, your own behaviors can seem uncontrollable.

Trust me, that is never the case. 

We aren’t bundles of mysterious actions driven by deep-seated, unchangeable characteristics.

If you would like help with this, or coaching during the pandemic, click here for a free session.

We’re people who have built up belief systems and those beliefs are always free to be changed.

Beliefs make decision making and taking action more efficient.  I believe we’re in a pandemic.  It’s easier to move forward if I take that as a given and don’t keep coming back to question it.  Imagine if every day I had to search for more evidence that the virus was real?  Formulating plans, and taking next steps would be impossible.  Beliefs are good.  We don’t need to pull them out and reformulate them every day.  

Being aware of our beliefs and bringing them out to review and questioning them periodically, however, is useful. 

I used to believe that I was bad with money.  The predictable results were that I was deeply in debt and living paycheck to paycheck.  That result was predictable, not because thinking I’m bad with money makes that come true.  That’s just silly.  The result was predictable because learning how to manage money takes effort.  If I believe that I learning to manage money is a waste of time because, hey, I’m just naturally rotten with money, then we can predict that I will learn nothing and I’ll do poorly with my personal finances.

Get it?  Thinking I’m bad at money makes me feel hopeless and unmotivated, so I eat cookies and watch TV and never learn to manage money. 

Happily, I uncovered that belief and now? I think being good with money is a learnable skill and I’m pretty good at learning.   The results of that belief have been a lot better to live with.

So what are your beliefs about this pandemic? How do they help you? How do they hurt you?

What are your beliefs about yourself at work?  What belief might you want to change?

No matter what you believe, it’s possible to question and change it.

And that? Is just good to believe.