The Big PP

Nothing will suck the fun out of work faster than trying to please everyone.  I should know, I attempted it for years.  My results? Phbbt.

I’m pretty excited about today’s blog because I took my time whiteboarding out the message I wanted to deliver, and guess what?   I’m going to add it to this blog.  So cool, right?  Now you can get your information exactly as you need it.  You can read the blog, listen to the blogcast, or review the diagram.  Freaky good.  AND BONUS:  I did this to save myself time.

What?  You heard me correctly there, Slick. I was selfishly attempting to figure out how to get two blogs done in the time it takes to do one.  Why? Because you all don’t buy my products because of my blog, and frankly, I have housework to do.  I want to shove my two side hustles into smaller boxes so I can pick up some personal time.   See how self-serving that is?  Does it change how you think about me if I tell you the personal stuff I want to do is exercise, eat right, and just enjoy my damn dogs before they croak?   Ahh, now you don’t think that’s so selfish, do you?  Well, you’re right where I want you. We’re going take a crack at getting you to drop your people-pleasing and start making your own darn self happy.  You so deserve it.

The Big PP (People Pleasing)

My own story about trying to please people at work goes like this – I wanted to learn new things, I wanted to help, so I figured out how to support an overnight system.  I was able to take on a rotation and give my teammates a break.  That felt great! Go, team!

Years went by, I became a manager, but I was still supporting things overnight, during the day, all the time.  My boss was new and made a big fuss about how many hours I was working, all the dedication I had.  I felt proud – and tired.  Years went by. The boss left.  I had new bosses, new systems, and I was still up at night, up during the day, working fifteen hours on the weekend to get my inbox cleared out, etc.  

I thought I had a time management problem.  So, during a coaching session with Brooke Castillo, she coached me on my time issue.  I’ll never forget it. First, she asked me why I was doing all that work.  I’ll paraphrase the rest:

“Because I want to do a good job,” I said. 

“Why do you care if you do well?“ She asked.

Insert lots of reasons, questions … and then

“Because I want people at work to think I do a good job,” I said.  I hated to admit that. I like to believe that I don’t care what people think about me, but that day, she coached me through all my thoughts, and that’s what dropped out the bottom. Bummer.

“Yeah,” she said.  “That’s your work.”

Happily, she didn’t leave me with that.  Instead, she went a step further.  She asked me this:

“Do you want to work all those hours?”

“No,” I said.

“Will they be happy if you work twenty-four seven?”

“Maybe,” I said.

“But you don’t want to?” Brooke asked.

“No,” I said.

“So why don’t you tell them, ‘I know you’d like it if I worked twenty-four seven, but I wouldn’t’ ?”

Boom.  That did it for me.  Suddenly, my wants and desires were on equal footing with my employers.  What I wanted – counted.

So here’s what happened next: I never said those words to anyone at work, but I thought them in my mind.  I met with my manager.  I said I was going to try something new.  I was going to try to get some work-life balance.   I didn’t ask for help with it.  I just said, let me know if you see a problem and then, I set about learning how to shove my work back into a standard time block. 

You know what happened?   My evaluations went up. I kid you not.   I slept more, delegated better, took myself off the rotation for overnights, and started learning how to work more proactively.  Why? To please me.  Who benefited? My employer.   

Straight Trippin’, dude.  

High-Five there, woman.

So what about you?  Where are you killing yourself to make someone else happy?  Really – get an example in your mind.

Now ask yourself this – do you actually control how they feel?   Yeah – you saw that coming, didn’t you? I hope so.  If we turn the page upside down, the answer key reads:  NO. 

Not today, not tomorrow, not in a box, not with a fox. 

You can be workin’ your cubicle sittin’ butt off, and you’ll never make anyone happy.  And frankly, you’re not paid to.  You’re paid to deliver results – and believe me, your boss hopes you’ll finish in time to get some sleep, ‘cause you know, lack of sleep causes lower performance at work.

Okay, so let’s tackle the BIG Elephant in the room – SELFISHNESS.

If you want to make yourself happy, then you’re selfish.

RUBBISH. 

That’s the worst bag of malarky ever, and we’ve all picked up our own sack of it as we stood at the cash register of our lives. 

Toss that idea out.  If you want to make yourself happy, then you’re human and maybe even enlightened.

If you want other people to stop being happy, so you can feel good, then you’re selfish. 

Get it?

Uh, uh.  Don’t go to … Well, if I don’t do this burdensome task that will make me stay up all night, then someone else will have to. 

That’s where this always bogs down.

Change that thought to:

Is this burdensome task my responsibility?

If no. Then, game over.  Go home if you want to.   Don’t stay late to make someone else happy if it’s going to make you sick, unhappy, miss dinner with the kids, or cause your dog to need a piddle-pad.

If yes, then ask this instead:  I’m not going to stay up all night to do this burdensome task.  I’m not going to give it to someone else (make sure this is really YOUR task; otherwise, give it back).   So now… how am I going to solve this?

See that?  That right there, refusing to kill yourself to do it?  That’s what drives innovation. That’s how come my reviews went up.   Each time I solved that problem, my life got better, and so did my performance. 

Meanwhile, back to people-pleasing – Your wants, needs, and personal life, your desire to grow is just as important as anyone else’s.  For you? It should be more so.  You worry about you.  Get your own house spiffed up.  You can come back and lend everyone else a hand later – after you’ve walked the dog and had a good night’s sleep.

And that?  Is just good to know.

If you would like a free 25-minute session – click here. It’s free, it’s on zoom, camera on or camera off. It’s my pleasure