The definition of assume is enlightening. There’s the type of assuming where we presume or suppose something to be true without any evidence, but there’s also the taking of responsibility, to assume power or responsibility, and also, the assuming of a false face, pretending or assuming an appearance.
I want people to like me. So sue me. And yeah, I know that leads to me thinking way too much about what might be going on between their ears. My brain ( and yours too) was built to be pretty good at that – at least as a kid. I mean, I needed to know if my folks were going to feed me or not and I didn’t know a lot of words. Also, I had no car keys and no money, feel me? Our standard-issue brains are pretty OK at understanding if we’ve made our parents happy or not and if we’re about to have our desires thwarted. That’s pretty important for the preschool to preteen set.
As adults, our built-in “guess what they’re thinking” app starts to lose its shine. First of all, we’re trying to apply that process to more complex subjects and second of all, it leaves us making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. (Shout out to any fans of “The Phantom Tollbooth” out there who just imagined being tossed to an island.)
All that is to say, if you find yourself acting as if you know what someone else is thinking, well, it’s not your fault. You’re built that way.
But here’s the interesting part, when we think we know what another person is thinking, without actually asking them, we’re not only assuming facts that are not in evidence, we’re also assuming responsibility for what happens next.
Whoa. I wasn’t looking to take that on, were you?
When we walk into a meeting with a stain on our shirt and our boss eyes us up and down, we might assume she’s displeased with our poor presentation of ourselves. But she could also be looking to see if we have an extra pen with us. And that’s where we go from assuming we know what she’s thinking to assuming responsibility for what happens next.
When we hazard a guess at another person’s thoughts, we then have thoughts about that assumption. Those thoughts we have trigger feelings, deep shame about our slovenly blouse or anger at the fact we were dumb enough to wear white on taco day. Whatever we’re thinking, that thought will cause an emotion. That’s what thoughts do.
And then… we act on those feelings.
We might spend the rest of the meeting so worried about hiding that salsa stain, we totally can’t focus on the content of the meeting – not that I’ve ever let that happen. Heck, I’ve been so distracted by my own clothing that I considered taking a half-day to go home and collapse into my sweat pants. For a couple of years, I solved that by having a change of clothes in the car. But that’s just me. I’m a nut.
If we’re angry at ourselves for being sloppy or angry at our boss for being judgemental, we’re going to behave in a different manner. Maybe pointedly not backing up something she says, or not sticking up for our own position. Who knows what we’ll do.
One thing that’s for sure – how we react to those feelings, be they shame, anger, offense or guilt, is on us. And it’s based on castles in the air. Because at the root of it, we’re taking actions based on feelings and the thoughts that caused them – all related to what basically amounts to a wild guess.
You and I have no business inside someone else’s head, and that’s a fact.
On top of all that, we are now presenting to the world a facet of ourselves wholly built on fantasy. Our behavior is tied to what we think someone else is thinking. It’s not even tied to what we actually think we should be doing. As in, if we knew that nobody could see that stain because the light in the room and the angle of the fabric render it invisible, we wouldn’t be having all those thoughts about the boss, the look, the shirt and the what it all means. We’d just be opening up our notebook and taking notes. We’d be in the meeting as our authentic selves.
And that? Is just good to do.
I’ve helped many people get perspective on their own thoughts and get the heck out of everyone else’s mind. The relief we feel when we stop worrying about what other people are thinking and start to show up as the person we want to be is profound. I’m so grateful to my coach for helping me get out of my own way and I’d be honored to pay that forward. If you would like to work with me – I meet my clients over zoom – camera on or camera off- at a time that works for them. I’d love to work with you too. Book a free mini-session to see if this life coaching stuff works for you. Why not? It’s free and I’m nice. Click Here & Try It. I promise not to think any judgy thoughts.