Month: August 2019

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The Third Path

You screwed up again.
You just want to get out unscathed.
But what if there was a better option?

Mess up much? Me too. In fact, I make so many mistakes I could fill a steamer trunk.

And yes, I do all the things that everyone does. I indulge in shame and tie my self worth to the mistake and look for ways to avoid all that unpleasantness by eating, drinking, watching TV, reading – you get the picture. I’m not perfect – and neither are you.

None of us is, which is why mistakes are inevitable.

If you believe John C. Maxwell, and his book Failing Forward, mistakes are the way forward too. So if you’re trying to grow, then you’re going to have to make a lot of mistakes. You can read more about that in my blog Failure is not Actually Optional.

Typically, we see mistakes as a dual outcome event.

Things around us can get worse because of the mistake or we can recover from it and escape unscathed.

It’s like an evil Hobson’s choice – take a really bad outcome or be happy you got nothing.

How often do you leap from your chair and gasp “Hooray, I’ve made a mistake! Now there are new, better outcomes that wouldn’t have been available a minute ago!”

Right? Never. And yet, that possibility exists.

That third path, that failing forward, that post-traumatic growth, exists as one of three possible outcomes – not two.

  • Things can get worse.
  • Things can stay as they are.
  • Things can be better.

Here’s why we miss that third path, why we never even look to the left to notice it – during times of stress, our brains have a natural tendency to narrow our focus. To find out more about how this works and why – check out The Opposite of Chronic Stress. For now, suffice it to say, that we think mistakes are deadly, they mean that there is something wrong with us, they could get us kicked out of the tribe. All that negativity narrows our focus and we have less capacity to see a third path forward, the path that leads to something better.

We’ve all experienced it – the mistake we thought would be terrible caused an unpredicted and wonderful outcome. Yet, just when we need it most, our brains close down to the possibility.

How can we overcome this? Simple. Awareness. It’s enough to know that there are three paths out of any mistake. Write it on a post-it note and keep it handy. I might tattoo it across my own knuckles.

On my left fist – RELAX

On my right fist – 3 PATHS

And that?

Could turn your steamer trunk of mistakes into a treasure chest of wins.

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Beauty & The Beast

Uncertainty is a beast, but the phrase ‘don’t know’ can be beautiful.

Look, you don’t know everything.

Anybody can see that’s true. You hardly know which breakfast cereal to choose. At least, that’s how I feel most of the time. We all let confusion and anxiety about what’s coming next push us around sometimes. Work is full of choices. We’re asked to know which project to tackle next, which email to answer first, where our attention is best focused.

It can leave us hamstrung, standing with our arms tightly wrapped around the one or two things we’re actually certain of.

Afraid to move ahead; clearly stuck.

The truth is, we really don’t know what the end result of most of our actions will be. The way we speak to each other, our tone of voice, the time of day or location a conversation occurs in can all impact the outcome we so desperately want to control. There are so many variables and we want to be perfect. Our concern about not knowing makes us feel vulnerable and keeps us stuck, looking at one more option, one more outcome.

We think of decisions like they’re skidding cars, sliding on ice. Once we decide on a course of action, the whole thing is out of our control.

So we delay the decision.

Ouch! Decision delay and fear of uncertainty – our brains just hate both of those things. Our brains are certainty machines. In fact, we’re so aligned with certainty that we will manufacture evidence for practically anything. This love of certainty means that as soon as we decide, we get a rush of relief. ( For more information on confirmation bias, check out lessons 5 & 6 here.) So we delay decision making out of fear and uncertainty, and our brain’s discomfort with the lack of a decision makes us feel even worse. Decisions are a beast!

Ready for the beauty part of this?

Why not just tell ourselves the truth? We don’t know what’s going to happen next. Fact, Dudette.

Don’t know.

Seriously. You actually don’t know, so why not own that?

Here’s how it works. When you’re facing uncertainty, rephrase it into a question and answer it with “don’t know.” Don’t know in the big sense. The sense that NONE of us know how ANYTHING will turn out.

Will your business people need the data in the next 90 days? Don’t know.

Should you confront your staff about talking too much during the day? Don’t know.

Your company wants you to predict the cost of a project with very little specifications. What will it cost? Don’t know.

What will happen in the next five seconds? Don’t know.

Because everything in life is interconnected, even if you have all the information, still the answer is – don’t know.

And – that’s OK.

Because a decision isn’t a car on ice. It’s a car in motion.

You have a steering wheel. You have a gas pedal, you have brakes.

The only thing you don’t have is a crystal ball.

And that? Is just good to know.

Never miss a blog. Sign up here for my Monday morning newsletter – “It’s Monday”. You’ll get information about new programs and offers, links to interesting videos and books all in your inbox.

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Risky Business

Taking a chance is scary… but not taking a risk should be terrifying.

What keeps you up at night? Most likely, it’s a risk of some sort. The risk that you won’t complete a project on time, the chance that you’ll make a mistake, a problem or puzzle carries the possibility of not being able to solve it.

The future is a risky place. We don’t know what we’ll find there, and our brains don’t like it. Our brains have a job to do… they have to keep our sorry bottoms out of trouble. Our mind has to make sure we’re getting food, staying out of the rain and finding some tribe members. So basically, cheese snacks, binge-watching on the couch and social media is our brain’s idea of a good time. How about doing that for the rest of your life? You in? Didn’t think so.

The image is pretty grim.

So is the alternative – which basically amounts to taking chances.

I looked up the synonyms for risk – danger, exposure, uncertainty, peril, hazard, jeopardy, gamble. Sounds GREAT. No wonder we hide at home

When you interview for a new position – nervous city, dude. Staying where you’re at? Seems safe. Snacks, Movies, Living Room.

How about if you start changing the way you manage your work? Taking on new responsibilities, speaking out in meetings, letting everybody in the company find out what you really think and what you’re really capable of? Sound like a good time? Not so much. Better stay quiet, keep your head down, don’t fill out that employee survey. Cake, Re-runs, Standing at the counter in your Kitchen

Here’s the thing – there’s a limit on your potential. I know. Your life coach tells you that you can do anything. And you can. But you can’t do it from the laundry room. With a fistful of potato chips. You have to take a risk. We all have a limit, something that’s holding us back – and the only way past it is to take a chance on something new.

Here’s an example of one of mine. I couldn’t see the difference between what I was doing in my job and what other people who were one level up were doing. I just couldn’t see it. So, I didn’t know how to work above my level. Working at the next level is always something I aspire to, but I was limited by my ability to discern the skills that were needed, the actions that were being taken. I really couldn’t see what I needed to change.

Until I took a risk.

I looked up the synonyms for risk – opportunity, possibility, prospect, fortune, fortuity, luck. Now those, sound pretty good right?

Here’s the wickedly interesting thing: the risk seemed totally unrelated. I started a side hustle.

Starting a side hustle meant I was way busy. It meant changing my personal schedule and remaining committed to my primary employer. In no way did I want my day job to suffer. I wanted to be excellent there AND at home.

Things started to slip. Not huge, just a bit. At home, at work, at other work, with family. RISKY STUFF. Scary. I thought maybe I should get a box of cookies and quit everything. Get safe again. But I didn’t.

What happened? As things started to get out of my control, I had to look for a way to handle these new challenges. I had to start thinking about why I was struggling. I talked to my manager, who is way smart. I worked with my coach. I had an ah-ha moment. In order for me to handle all these challenges and not sacrifice my health, my sleep or my performance, I needed new skills. Now that I was neck-deep in a challenge, I could see exactly what I needed to learn. I needed to learn how to get out of the trouble I was in. I needed the skills that the people just ahead of me on the path have – and they got those skills by overcoming obstacles – like how to work smarter instead of harder – like how to get out of the way of their teammates so that they could start working on new skills of their own.

OOOOOH. Now I get it.

I couldn’t even see around the corner to understand that there was a path, never mind how it was laid out until I took a risk. Without taking a risk, you will never see the way past your current limitations.

So if you want to push your limits, you have to take risks. The two go hand in hand.

I looked up some synonyms for risk: contingency, flyer, header, openness, plunge, speculation, stab, venture, wager, and last, but not least…

Shot in the dark.

Take a chance. The couch will be there when you get home.