Don’t you wish for work to feel like this? Relaxed, clean, a cup of coffee and a blank page? Fuh-gedda-bout it.
I am a little upset. Mylife isn’t neat and orderly. Stuff is happening and I’m not as caught up as I’d like to be. Sound familiar? You too? Huh.
Well, let me go you one better. My work life is that way too. What do you think of that?
You think I should take down my Life Coach sign and go home, don’t you? Or maybe you’re like many of my clients and you’re a bit relieved to learn that I’ll be spending an hour or four on Sunday getting my inbox in order.
The nature of work is to be messy. Hey, after all, we’re working in here, we’re having a life. Each of us is trying to grow, to master the next thing required of us and to find a way to balance this against all the other demands on our time.
Work is not static and it never will be.
As soon as we wrangle all the demands into an orderly state, as soon as we master what’s in front of us, something changes. A competitor comes up with a better product and we have to catch up. Our co-worker retires and we have to learn their tasks. A new opportunity presents itself and we have to learn to fit it into the puzzle of time and tasks. All of this happens and more. It never ends.
Regardless of where we are on the learning curve, the curve keeps sloping off into the distance.
Are you disappointed?
I used to be so change resistant that I let my living room sofa make me unhappy for a month. I spent hours and hours shopping for it. It was perfect until it arrived. Then it was all wrong – because it wasn’t the couch that used be there.
Now, I’m older. I know I’ve got at least three more couches coming my way before I kick the bucket. I don’t need my couch to be perfect to be happy. It’s not the centerpiece of my life.
What if you let work, be work? You know, kinda how when the cat leaves dead mice on the doormat, you have to acknowledge that Mr. Fuzzy is a predator and not a really short person?
What if you looked at work and noticed that it always comes with challenges? What if you looked at work and noticed that interruptions arise daily? That if you turn off your phone and log out of instant messager, people will show up at your door? That your work consists of both projects and changes to the projects?
If you wish work would be orderly so that you can relax, then you’re wishing for the wrong thing. If you require your situation, or your sofa, to conform to your expectations in order for you to be content, then change is going to be a problem.
When you and your work are separate, you get to be you.
Work gets to be work.
Work can stay messy. And you? You can put your feet up and be content.
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Finding out what you want in life? Priceless. If you’re in my Reboot Your Day Job Program and you haven’t reached week four yet, skip this blog.
What if I asked you to tell me 25 things you want to have in your life – in the future? Do you think it would be hard to come up with that list? My clients did. In fact, most of them were relieved when I let them stop at 20. Want to know what was on their lists?
First, a bit of back story. I’ve been busting my butt to create a new program – Reboot Your Day Job. It’s six weeks long, and it’s jam-packed with all the bells and whistles. I’ve been taking beta-clients through the program for a couple of months now. The difference with a program is that there’s more structure to the work than the normal one on one coaching. As an unintended side-effect, I’ve had a bunch of clients go through the same exercises and I’ve been able to get some interesting data.
If you would like to go through my new program, you can drop me an email at Amy@RockYourDayJob.com and get on my waitlist. You can also sign up for a free 25-minute session – Here.
In week four,most people are starting to feel better, have more free time and less stress, so it’s a good time to talk about the future life they want to build. I ask clients to list out twenty-five things they want to have in their lives. I’m always cheerfully amazed at how difficult this exercise is for them. I’m also quite impressed with how much of what we want out of life is similar across industries, age, and gender.
Here are the common elements most of us want, in no special order:
Health
Happiness
To do something outside – walk, run, sail, swim, bike, garden
Read more
Spend more time, be connected with, family and friends
Reach life stage milestones – a home, college for kids, retirement
Mental health – have peace, clarity, be guilt free
Have a dog or cat
Go somewhere interesting – travel far or near
Do something interesting – start a side hustle or have a hobby
Engage our spiritual practice – meditate, attend church, etc
Notice anything interesting about this list?
People! You don’t have to wait to do this stuff. You can take action right now to be healthier. You can start building out your personal finance plan to hit goals, right now. You don’t need to be five years older and richer before you can go for a run. All you need in order to spend some time reading for pleasure is a library card and a comfortable chair. Dogs, cats, people find ways to have pets all along the income gradient. Day trips, hobbies, startups… the barriers to entry to these are all low. You can attend church this week or sit right down and meditate.
So why are these on our “someday” lists?
Because we’re not building them in now.
And why is that?
A scarcity mindset about time. Most of us say we don’t have time but what we mean is, sometimes we’re busy. Sometimes we have to cancel things. And when we could be doing something on that list above, we’ve forgotten what the list was. But I want to offer you the idea that telling yourself you don’t have time… isn’t helping. Try this – tell yourself you have plenty of time for everything that makes life worth living and no time for the rest. Now, what do you want to do?
All you have to do to start living your dream is … start.
If your hero’s journey has gone south and you feel like this guy… read on.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.” ― Joseph Campbell
Joseph Campbell wrecked my life.
Nah, not really. But he did mess with my mind. For years, the idea that I should be following my bliss provided me with a certain feeling of discouragement. What did it mean? Was it the same as purpose? If I didn’t have one, did that negate the meaning of what I actually was doing?
What is our bliss? I’m pretty sure Mr. Campbell didn’t mean we should strive to eat donuts and drink whiskey – and certainly not at the same time. All the while I was asking this question of myself, I was studiously ignoring his other point:
“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” ― Joseph Campbell
Whaaa? I’m the answer? This is going to get messy.
Monkeying around… looking out there….
I thought a purpose was something people living the best lives had. I thought I should have one too. I tried some on – was my purpose to help other people? To … I dunno… create some big wonderful thing? Keep learning? Bake better cookies? Be a wife/daughter/mother/employee? Good grief. None of that sounded right.
I’d rather go look for meaning somewhere the heck else – like over there perhaps.
My life was, and is, banal at its core. I want to be safe. I want to spend time with loved ones. I want to share stuff and have a bit of fun, have a dog around and some music. I fritter entire days away reading genre fiction. My purpose? Maybe I just wasn’t one of the lucky ones who had a bliss to follow. I gave up. Besides, I had other problems – I was miserable at work. So, I set out to solve that puzzle instead. My search to be happy at work finally taught me how a person and a purpose come together.
Frustrated and unhappy, I decided to take the radical step to find one thing I enjoyed doing within my job – turned out it was being part of our team. I loved our team. I thought we were the best thing since ice cream. Once I found that one thing, I looked for ways to do more of it – how could I help the team? What did the team need? I told myself my work was fundamentally to focus on the well being of the team.
I decided I needed to understand what I was good at so I could use my strengths, if I had any, to help the team. I figured out how to figure out what I was good at, and then I started to do more of that.
Here’s what happened: I started to feel much, much better.
Thrilled with the results of my little lab experiment, I began trying to help other members of our team find, and focus on, their strengths too. Because, heck, I was getting good at it, and by the way, the research bears out the idea that this is a viable approach to productivity at work – which – is the name of the game in business.
Slowly, I began to view everything at work through the lens of team, strengths, happiness, and productivity. Life got way better.
I began to notice that work was better than my personal life. Huh. So I toddled off to investigate that. Here’s what I found – fear.
Fear that I would lose this job I now loved again. Fear that I would not be able to contribute meaningfully to our family if I lost my job. Fear that it would all go away.
Why was nothing just EASY?
“Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.” ― Joseph Campbell, Creative Mythology
To solve this problem, I became obsessed with finance. If I was debt free, surely losing my job would be no problem. I paid everything off. – Nope, still full of fear. If I had a certain amount of money in the bank – surely then I’d feel safe? – Did it. Still frightened as a child.What if I cut all our expenses and a professional with lots of creds confirmed that, if everything went to hell in a handbasket, I- armed with a job at the local grocery check out – could single-handedly hold the whole family up? Then surely, I’d feel safe.
Check. And no. Money didn’t cancel out fear.
Looking inside…
“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.” ― Joseph Campbell
Thanks, Joe. So, with a bit of exasperation, I chucked everything in my life except my day job, one volunteer gig and the people I loved – and started over. I listed out everything I’d have to do to finally be free of fear and feel safe. I started with the first item on the list. Physical health.
In my search to find health, I stumbled into a life coach. She said she’d help me lose weight by managing my mind. OK? That was new. I studied hard. I did everything she said to do. I pulled apart my thoughts, dissected my feelings and actions. I found at the heart of it all – I always felt – unworthy.
OH GAK. Not that Self – Esteem Shite Again. Really?
I kept working at it …and then… miracles. I started to understand that I’m amazing. I’m a mess – and – I’m amazing. Like a sleeping animal, waking and blinking in the light of the morning, I crawled out of my fear and stood, dazzled in the light of a new a day. All around me were other people with the same story – a story of – I’m a mess and I’m amazing. They weren’t saying it. They were living it – taking chances, trying things, laughing at their mistakes and full of sick-to-your-stomach, get-out-of-your-box daring. And Joy. And Compassion. So much compassion, for themselves and others.
That became my purpose. To model self-compassion and acceptance so that others can see what it looks like – in everything I do, I want to help myself and others find our strengths and see our own value. Here’s the beauty – I can do that at work, at home, alone or in a crowd. Turns out, purpose isn’t a static thing you find once and be done with. It doesn’t have to be grand, it doesn’t have to change the world. Purpose is a lens you create for yourself, through which you bring meaning to what you do.
Do I still have fear? Sure thing. Do I still want my job? You bet. Do I hit my purpose every day? Not by a long shot.
So, how do you craft your purpose?
You stop looking for one and start living.
Namaste, you messy, amazing people. Namaste.
This post is dedicated to my brave clients, all of whom are out there trying, failing, living it up. If this post resonates with you – sign up for a free 25-minute session Here: https://rockyourdayjob.as.me/free
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I’m going to tell you a dog story. Don’t get offended.
I spend a lot of time with my dogs, and my dogs, do a lot of cool stuff. So naturally, I’ll find parallels between my two big interests – dogs and, um, work. That doesn’t mean I think we can train people like dogs. But it does mean I prefer working dogs. Ba-da-bump.
If you would like to skip the story and just get to work, you can sign up for a free 25-minute session here – I’d love to show you how our expectations impact our work.
Ok – so here’s the story – I was new to dog sports and scheduled to compete in a rally trial. We got to the sitea bitlate and I was ignoring my dog – as much as you can ignore a seventy-pound Doberman attached you by a leash. I was focused on everything except my dog. Fifteen minutes before we were to go in, I stood up and rushed her through her exercises. Let’s just say, she wasn’t impressed with me. I knew in my bones that we weren’t a team at that moment.
When we entered the ring, things went from bad to worse. She made me sweat for every sit. Every turn, every command was met with excruciatingly slow responses. I was trying to count our mistakes. I kept waiting for the judge to tell us to exit and put me out of my misery. At the three-quarter mark, my anxiety turned to petulance. I was sure we were disqualified. I wanted out. My face was burning with embarrassment and I looked more like a pouting middle schooler than a grown ass woman. We finished the course and, in the ugliest win ever, managed to pull a third place that we didn’t deserve. Neither the judge nor I, wanted us to get that ribbon.
It’s my habit to always thank the judge after a match. I pulled my shoulders back and forced myself to approach her and offer my thanks. She was a stern woman, in her late sixties with a straight back. She had on a pale green suit that was classic and sturdy. She stared at me for a moment and then took me aside.
“Do you know what kind of dog that is?” She asked and didn’t wait for an answer. “Those dogs are military dogs. That breed was used by the United States Marines.” She seemed to grow a foot taller as she straightened herself. I did not inform her this was my third Doberman but I was curious. If this formidable woman wanted to tell me something, I wanted to hear it.
“When you work with a dog like that, you go into the ring and you expect a Marine!” She glared at me. “Perhaps you should get some other kind of dog.” She nodded to herself and waited expectantly.
“Yes Ma’am,” I said. “Thank you.” She clearly didn’t think I had the right stuff.
Because that dog and I were practically joined at the hip, in no way did I think I couldn’t handle her. But I did think a lot about what the judge said. That week, every time we stepped out to train, I’d remind myself to expect a Marine. I stopped trying to control her. I expected her to dog up. I expected myself to act like a person who was teamed with one of the smartest of all breeds. Lo and behold, that dog had game. She was alert, focused and on point. So was I.
Here’s the deal: What we expect to find, is often what we do find.
The belief that we are capable and can create positive change in our lives increases motivation and job performance – but not because the universe falls in line with our thinking. Beliefs impact our actions. If we believe we can succeed, we’re more likely to take actions that lead to success – taking classes, trying one more time, seeking answers. It just makes sense. If you expect that you’ll fail, why bother taking a class?
What happened with my dog and I was this: when I expected her to act like the dog I knew she could be, I walked faster, I moved with certainty. I didn’t keep looking down at her… and she had to be alert and moving quickly to keep up. She had to think for herself, so she stayed interested. Nothing magic, but man, it felt great. As we worked together, I was so proud of her, I thought my heart would burst.
So ask yourself, what do you expect of yourself and others when you show up at work? Be careful how you answer – it can be the difference between feeling like a Marine and feeling like you don’t deserve your own dog.
